Every single trip out with my 15m old ends in a tantrum

[bumbleweed]

My 15 month old dd started walking outdoors about a month ago. She never particularly liked being in the pushchair and now wants to be out walking as soon as we get anywhere.

But she REFUSES to hold my hand when walking(or if she will its only for a few minutes - she INSISTS on walking in her own direction, which suprise-surprise is always the opposite to where we need to go. When I offer her two options either hold mummy's hand and come this way, or sit in the pushchair, she flops to the floor or goes super-rigid in my arms and begins to carry on.

I am trying to be sooooo patient with her. She is exercising her new found independence. She cant properly understand why she should follow an instruction. I try to let her wander around freely as much as I can (eg if its quiet in a shop I let her toddle around and just follow close behind).

Today I deliberately took her to the park so she could wander in many directions. But she still did it - she insisted in going back towards the gates and main road rather than towards the ducks / playpark.
Last week - huge tantrum in marks and spencers because she wouldnt come with me out of the store.

I am fed up now. What am I doing wrong? Have tried reins but she just goes round and round trying to get them off and just sits down in protest.

How the bloody hell am I supposed to go anywhere/get any shopping done/ teach her that in some places outdoors she simply has to either hold my hand or be on reins and go in my direction.

[NappiesGalore]

there are people here who will express this better then i, but:

1 - its a phase and will improve, so try not to get too down

2 - you are right to give her space, as you say she is learning and doesnt understand instructions an all.... but, she also needs to learn that there are boundaries and times when you will require that she hold your hand, no arguments. if you are calm but firm, and consistent, she will learn this really quite surprisingly quickly.

you seem pretty sensible, so you have it in you to sort it.

[NappiesGalore]

oh yes - pick your battles. you cant be saying 'no' all the time, so only say it when you need her to cooperate, no questions asked, like in situations where safety is a factor.

[QueenEagle]

I would reiterate what NG has said. It is a phase but just seems to go on forever!

Keep firm, give her space and freedom when it is ok to but insist every single time that you cross a road or need her to hold your hand that she does. It really will improve very quickly if you stick firm to your guns.

Good luck!

[NappiesGalore]

yes. it all seems to be going on forever - every single new 'difficult' stage... and then when its over, you look back and, if you can even remember it at all, you think; 'what was all the fuss about?'

tis one advantage of sleep deprivation; memory haze for the hard stuff

[QueenEagle]

Do you take a pushchair with you when you allow her to walk? If so, every time she starts to go into a tantrum, put her in it for 10 minutes. Then take her out and start again but warn her that she will go in the pushchair if she doesn't hold your hand or the side of the pushchair perhaps.

It worked with mine, so maybe worth atry?

[bumbleweed]

thank you for saying its just a phase - I keep hoping so, but its difficult to get that perspective when you are in the middle of it

I am gutted that so many of our outings involve huge amounts of tears and distress and also are so short-lived. I work part-time so all my days with dd are valuable. The only word I can think of to describe her on some days is 'contrary' as she seems to do everything in frustration to my wishes, resisting everything from getting dressed, to nappy changes, to every object she gets her hands on that I dont want her to destroy. It upsets me I worry its all eating away at our relationship.

Yes I am quite calm. If we are walking near cars (eg at retail park) I put her straight in the pushchair as soon as she refuses to hold my hand. It has meant on last 4 occasions physically restraining her while she screamed the place down, became hysterically upset and didnt calm down until I took her back to the car and offered to bf.

[nightowl]

oh no bumbleweed, im sure i posted somethng almost exactly like this about a year ago. It was a horrible time, a trip to the local shop (5-10 mins walk max) would take us an hour sometimes, i felt like tearing my hair out. Unfortunatly i dont have any advice but it isnt anything you're doing wrong. DD did grow out of it, but nothing i had tried really worked. She too would go rigid, throw herself on the ground or into the road. You have my sympathy..sorry i cant help.

[PanicPants]

You have to INSIST she holds your hand. Give her the choice 'hold hands or push chair' and then calmly follow it through.

[nightowl]

its not always so easy though panicpants. i tried that with my dd and this would be the point where she would throw herself to the floor. so then i'd have to put (force!) her into the buggy, oh eventually i'd be able to strap her in but it would be another good 15 mins on our journey..the child was like an octopus!

[bumbleweed]

thanks nightowl - 'octopus' describes it exactly - and it pretty much finishes your shopping trip because you cant concentrate on looking at things in shops once they are in that state

[nightowl]

ive found the thread bumbleweed, just trying to link it..i havent linked a thread before..

[nightowl]

here

think it may work! this must have been about the time when we had just mastered the 5 minute walk and were looking towards better things

she was older than your dd then though, she would have been about 26 months.

[bumbleweed]

yes very very similar nightowl

my dd wont push the pushchair either

I could try the backpack but I'm not sure she knows what one is - its not something she would have seen much of.

Did anything you did help things improve or was it just passage of time and maturity of dd

[PanicPants]

Ds (17 months) won't push the pushchair but is getting better at holding hands for a while. When he won't we tell him either hold hands, or it's the pushchair. And we do put him in the pushchair regardless of the tantrums which are very short lived.

We have got reigns which we use occassionally but I do like the look of the bear rucksack thingies. Might have to try them!

[PanicPants]

Bumbleweed - let dd play with it and have fun with it at home before trying out and about, we did this with the reigns and ds sees them as a bit of fun (bless him)

[NannyL]

i wouldnt dream of letting my 16 month okdcharge walk around M&S, he HAS to go in the buggy beacuse I say so, so he is strapped in and can cry and scream all he likes...

(once strapped in and we are walking he rarely cries for longer than 10 seconds!)

otehr times he can walk... cause i say so... in which case he ALWAYS has reins on regardless... he is very good at holding my hand as well, and normallly walks where we are going nicely. if he doesnt though its straight back in the buggy...

again he can scream all he likes, and stops within a few seconds of us getting going again

there is no way i will be letting him walk around shops for several months yet!

[RachelG]

I read in Penelope Leach's book (my childcare bible!) that toddlers are actually incapable of following an adult. Here's what she says:-

"Holding hands progress will be slow and jerky. The child will keep stopping; you will yank him on again. He will steer off in the wrong direction, you will pull him back. A few minutes of this will probably be enough for both of you. The toddler will keep getting in front of you, almost tripping you up; holding up his arms, begging for a lift. You may lose patience and drag him along by the hand or you may decide to let go and leave him to follow at his own pace. He will not, because he cannot.
Left to his own devices while you move slowly on, the toddler will lag, stop, go off on side tracks and probably sit down. His behaviour looks like teasing and most people would describe it that way and tell you to keep walking because "he'll follow soon enough when he sees that you mean it". But your toddler does not know how to follow you."


I know it's not much help, but it's quite interesting to know that it's something that developmentally they can't actually do until they're about 3.

[bumbleweed]

NannyL - you are lucky you have such a compliant charge - dd does not stop screaming after 10 seconds, and she doesnt just scream in anger she gets quite upset

dont see whats wrong with letting them toddle round a shop if its quiet to be honest - why not experience as many aspects of the world as possible

[bumbleweed]

RachelG I agree that is very interesting, in fact I am fascinated with the developmental stages

Its just frustrating because I see other toddlers who are holding hands or trotting nicely beside adults or sitting calmly in pushchairs. So I think, are all the other strong-willed physically active impatient toddlers (all of which I know are totally normal traits) at home because their mums simply cant be doing with the hassle and go to the shops without them on a weekend

[DontlookatmeImshy]

We let ds (15 months) have his first toddle round the supermarket yesterday. It was exactly as the description in Rachels post,but he had a great time exploring the shelves and carrying tins of beans around. It wasn't busy though and if it had been he would've stayed in the trolley.

Any other shopping trips (town centre in and out of shops type of trips) he goes in the buggy and stays therelike it or not.It's just not a realistic option for us to let him walk around. The longest walk he can manage without trying to escape is from the backdoor to the car ~10metres

[Bodkin]

God this post reminds me of DD at that age, but as someone else has said, as she has got nearer to 3, she just magically started walking alongside me, and very occasionally willingly holds my hand now!

She used to howl constantly when put in the pushchair, so the only way I could do any shopping was either a)lots of snacks (dried fruit, rice cakes etc or b) pop into charity shop and by a (v. cheap) toy or book to engage her for long enough to get round supermarket (old toys from home didn't seem to buy me enough time!)

Backpacks are also great - they love being up high and being able to see faces rather than legs. Not so good if you have heavy shopping to carry as well.

But I think you are doing all the right things - especially taking her to places where she can roam free - it's more fun for both of you that way.

[Walnutshell]

Bumbleweed, I know exactly what you mean. My 15mo ds is just the same... Today we went to Wollaton Park knowing there is a vast amount of safe, open space and even a little kid's park. Ds, being ds, of course wanted to walk in the opposite direction constantly (towards car park naturally) and howled at everything we did even when it seemed to be facilitating something he wanted to do. "Organic wotsit ds?" (looks keen, reaches out) "Here you go" WAAAAHHHH!!! "Play on the slide?" (heads in the right direction) "Down we go!" WAAAAHHHH!!!

He is also the master at throwing himself onto his back on the floor, turning into Mr Square Mouth with rage and banging his head on various surfaces to, well, make a point I guess. He's a little darling, can't you tell?

[Walnutshell]

(Of course, I actually do think he is a little darling but I'm not convincing any onlookers... )

[bumbleweed]

thanks guys at least I know its not just me doing something wrong and many others have been in the same boat