HELP!!! Out of control 5 year old

(8 Posts)
Rollinrollingrollingrawhide Wed 13-Jul-16 23:32:54

My 1st post so please be kind, me and dp have a 5 year old ds he has always been a demanding child but now his behaviour is out of control he hits and swears and no matter what we do it doesnt make any difference he can take a screaming earth shattering tantrum at the drop of a hat and it can last all day im starting to get really worried about it and its wearing me down any advice on what i should do next??? Has anyone any tecniques on calming a child like this i am at the end of my tether with him

MrsHathaway Thu 14-Jul-16 10:43:06

How is he at school? Do the teachers have any concerns?

I would say he doesn't sound very happy. You might like to look into love bombing and ways of praising him for anything at all.

I would also say that sounds pretty extreme for a 5yo and it might be worth talking to your HV, school nurse or GP. They might be able to signpost local resources for you.

imjessie Thu 14-Jul-16 10:45:38

Yes to asking school if he behaves this way there . If he does ask for referral to see a developmental paediatrician . It could be how he is or it could be something else . Either way it wouldn't hurt to ask .

Rollinrollingrollingrawhide Thu 14-Jul-16 12:02:28

Thanks for the replies the school says he is behaved inside school doesnt hit or swear ect but he can take tantrums in school but not as bad or as often as he does at home, when he is good he is good but when he is bad its hell on earth i have tried all sorts of punishments rewards ect... it just doesnt work anymore

Rollinrollingrollingrawhide Thu 14-Jul-16 12:03:01

Mrshathaway what is love bombing?? X

BeMorePanda Thu 14-Jul-16 12:31:05

Something I picked up from MN is to see tantrums as kind of mini emotional breakdowns. Rather than being bad behaviour, they are cries for help.

Changing they way I think about them has helped with my 2 esp DD2 who is now 5 (and more prone to meltdowns than DD1 ever was).

So I deal with them in 2 different ways:

1. Meltdown outside the house i.e. as I asked her to carry something very small from the car to the house (I was loaded down with shopping). I talked to her calmly but repeated that I wanted her to carry the corn chips and I needed her help. I wasn't going to back down.
When she threw them to the ground and screamed ranted shouted kicked thngs etc, then I just restated I need you to carry the chips, and waited her out & eventually, 20 minutes later we made it inside. Once she calmed down we talked about what happened.

2. If we are indoors I will try to hug it out. I stay calm, don't give into demands (which can vary with the wind) and say things like, "I can see you are upset/angry" etc. If I can get her to come for a hug she will soon be sobbing and we can talk calmly and I support her. Sometimes she will not want to be hugged and I kind of leave her to it, as much as I can.

Going head to head with a raging tantrum just makes everything much much worse. So I avoid that if at all possible.

And I make a point of always talking about what has happened, how she was feeling etc and having hugs afterwards.

If she is violent to others then there will be some much more serious discussions, and something taken away - she is always very indifferent to any kind of punishment. Talking with her, once she is calm & recovered, about her behavior is more effective.

This does work for us, I'm not saying its always easy for me to be calm and cool and collected. But it is really worth it for everyone if I am.

MrsHathaway Thu 14-Jul-16 14:10:11

Ok yes it sounds very like emotional overload - and he waits until he's safely at home before he can explode.

That's kind of flattering because it shows he feels safe at home. But obviously you need to give him better outlets for his emotions.

I recommend the Pixar film Inside Out to help a 5yo name his emotions. The film explores how each of our different feelings has a valid role to play. It's ok to be angry, or sad, or afraid, when that emotion is appropriate.

On Bing the children "blow the angry" into a cloud. That's been a good thing for our 5yo because it has a similar effect to screaming and yelling (physical exertion) but not directed at people or furniture!!

Naming and validating feelings is really important: "you want to have Haribo for lunch, because you really like Haribo, and you're cross because I said no". Think how much better you feel when someone acknowledges your feelings and puts them into words - it's just the same for our children. They are not always intellectually or linguistically sophisticated enough to put their feelings into words: we have to help them.

Google love bombing but essentially it's taking the opportunity to squeeze and kiss them and say "I love you because". Lots of unconditional things (not "I love you if/when") like "I love to hear you laugh - your laugh is brilliant" or "I love your nose, you've got the same nose as Daddy and Grandad" or "you're so good at jumping" and again validating all the little loveable things that add up to make him him.

Rollinrollingrollingrawhide Thu 14-Jul-16 23:35:14

Thank you so much ladies for your replys x

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