Violent 3 year old!

[Lyndsaylou84]

My DS is 4 in August. He's very bright but he is so aggressive. I'm at the end of my tether. He hits, punches, pulls, head butts mainly me but does do it to DP, his grandma and grandad but I take the brunt. Me and his dad split up when he was 1, he does go there 2 nights a week. He also, due to my shifts at work sometimes stays over at my parents house, I'm wondering if that's the problem too many people with different boundaries. I was in tears the other day due to it. We were just sat watching a film he asked to sit on my knee which I thought was lovely then he just all of a sudden without a word head butted me in the face then turned around and punched me. When he does these things I put him on time out but he just laughs, I've tried reward charts he's just not bothered and he knows it's wrong. He goes to nursery he's had a couple of incidents but nothing major and they say he's developing brilliantly. When he's not hurting me he can be the most loveliest little boy then he just all of a sudden turns into a monster any advice what can be causin it or how to cope with it? I feel like the worst mum ever! 😪😪

[greatscott81]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds as if he knows you feel guilty and upset about the way things have worked out and is aware that he has the power because of the way you feel. You are probably not as firm with him as you could be (I know I'm not a lot of the time). How long is he on the naughty step for? Do you reward good behaviour? I am in a similar position in that I separated from DD's father when she was 18 months old but she doesn't really seem to have been affected (thank god - she'll probably be a hideous teenager), however, she's always been with me Mon-Fri and her father for the weekend so that's helped. Have you spoken to her other carers about formulating a structured co-parenting/guardian routine? Your parents, and your ex all need to be on board with a proper plan for discipline so that he doesn't think you're the pushover. I really hope this gets better for you xx

[Lyndsaylou84]

Thankyou. I agree I'm definitely not firm with him. Yes I think that stems from the guilt that I couldn't keep his family together and I feel as if he's pushed pillow to post. I can't give work up though but I'm looking into working better hours. I suppose sometimes I threaten things I can't really keep like I'll say "you won't have a birthday party when you're 4" even though I know I couldn't do that to him. My mum very rarely punishes him I know that and his dad just says he doesn't have any problems with him but I think he must. We do need to decide how we're all going to discipline the same way. He has time out for 4 minutes then he's all apologetic but does it again. I'll over emphasise when he does good things. The one saving grace is he sleeps brilliantly but I'm finding I'm counting down the hours he goes to bed. I feel like I've been in a wrestling match somedays

[greatscott81]

Ha, I think every parent counts down the hours till bedtime! You're not alone in that. No point in threatening things you're not going to follow through with . It undermines you and confuses them. You need to get your grandparents/ex on board with this and specify how you're going to punish/reward. Is it only you he hits?

[Lyndsaylou84]

No he does it to his grandad sometimes his grandma but he does it to me the worst probably because I spend the most time with him though. They told me at nursery he pushed someone over the other day but that was both of them fighting, but that's the only incident he's had there. time out obviously doesn't work bit lost how else to discipline him. I asked him if he's happy when he's hurting mummy he said no he's sad

[insancerre]

Talk to him about feelings
Give him the words and the language to express how he is feeling
Use every opportunity you come across in books, while watching TV, out and about, juyjuyst every situation really. Ask had m who other people might be feeling, ask him how he woujld feel in that situation. Tell him how you would feel
Aggression is normally unexpressed emotion
Give him some emotional literacy and definitely ignore the bad behaviour and praise the good
Talk to him about what he can do instead if what he shouldn't do.
When he hits, just very calmly say we use kind hands, show me your kind hand, then hold his hands and say yes you've got very kind hands
Remind him what kinds hands do all the time

[TrulyTrulyTrulyOutrageous]

My ds was similar and it was horrible. Beautiful moments amongst being punched in the face etc.

Mine has asd and the breakthrough for us was occupational therapy. Don't remember the word but he's extra sensitive to some things which would trigger him/ start the day heightened etc.

From the first session I saw him becoming calmer (with her) and I'm thrilled with how he's going. The OT even went to his daycare and gave us all strategies.

[Lyndsaylou84]

Insancerre thanks a lot, some great suggestions there. We've got a book called sometimes I feel sunny I use that to show different feelings and that its ok to get angry sometimes but we don't hit. I will try your suggestions.

[Lyndsaylou84]

Truly it is terrible isn't it. Glad the OT is working for you. I've spoke to my HV about him she just said quite a few boys can be like that I don't think I went to the full extent of it though.

[Footle]

Go and talk to your GP without your son. Explain the 'full extent' of your little boy's violence. What you're describing doesn't sound like normal behaviour to me, and it may get worse as he gets bigger and stronger.

[TrulyTrulyTrulyOutrageous]

Yes I agree, I was fobbed off for far too long and really regret not pushing for support earlier. I wrote down behaviours so I could be factual and specific (I often generalised when talking to people "he's so aggressive" and they must have misinterpreted it).

[Lyndsaylou84]

Are you thinking he could have some behavioural problems that needs diagnosing? Like I say he can be the best person ever. He goes to bed at 7.30 perfectly. Everyone he meets adores him, no problems at nursery. It must be something I'm doing maybe I should go on a parenting course or something. I would never and have never hurt him but obviously when someone is punching, head butting me I'm scared one day I might snap!

[TrulyTrulyTrulyOutrageous]

No I'm not thinking that, I instinctively knew that there must be more to my ds' behaviour, he also had regular meltdowns which were horrible and upset us both and had started biting and hitting himself.

Basically, you don't want to be hurt, you don't want him to feel bad enough to hurt you. I'd be looking for support. If you knew a good paediatrician she'd be able to point you in the right direction about who could support you best, I was very surprised at the level of knowledge ours has (I expected to be told boys will be boys).

[Footle]

What trulytruly said. You want him to feel better, and to stop wanting to hurt people.

[Lyndsaylou84]

Thankyou all for the advice. I've just been sweeping it under the carpet I think and hoping he'd just grow out of it. I'll have a word with my health visitor again first tell her how extreme it really is this time see what she advises.

[insancerre]

Talk to the nursery too
I work in a nursery. I know my methods work because I do it every day
The nursery staff mnmnay be able to help you by suggesting some stratagies that you can use at home