They do not listen to me

[BetteDavis01]

I'm at the end of my tether, DD is 6 and DS is 4, nearly 5.

I am finding them very challenging at the moment because neither of them do as they are told and they constantly back chat me. It's constant wilful defiance.

It's now bedtime, I'm telling them to go up to their rooms, where I will read them a story and they are ignoring me! They do not care!

They steal treats from the cupboard when they are told not to. They do not respect me or DH. They treat him the same way as they do me.

I'm looking for helpful strategies please. I need to pull rank and regain control of my house. At the moment the kids are calling the shots.

[BetteDavis01]

Desperate bump!

[Wolfiefan]

For a start put the treats out of reach.
Be clear, calm and consistent.
One warning then consequence. Not listening to story? No story? Rude? No going to x activity later.

[AskBasil]

No screen time.

[Owlytellsmesecrets]

Mine are 8&5.... Naughty step after 3x warning. ..... It continues then screen time loss, iPad, play station.
Then still no notice , electronics loss.

Stealing would result in loss.

Screen time is limited to 1hour weekdays and 1&1/2 hour weekends. For good behaviour can earn extra weekend screen time .....

This has worked really well and stop our kids feeling like they are 'entitled' !

[SnotGoblin]

What do you already have in place? What happens next now that they've ignored you?

[BetteDavis01]

I raise my voice but they continue to just ignore me

[BetteDavis01]

It's bedtime now, just done their stories, I've come downstairs and they have both just crept downstairs giggling

[BetteDavis01]

It's really getting me & DH down. When I talk to friends I realise that their kids are not half as naughty as my two.

They just don't listen to me

[fitzbilly]

Does their behaviour have consequences? Are you consistent with these consequences?

You need to be firm and clear, you need to give them a warning before you tell them to do something, e.g "five more minutes till e tidy up" or" five more minutes till we start getting ready for bed".

Don't ask them to do anything, TELL them, so not" please can you our your pyjamas es on" but " now put your pyjamas on"

You have to be the boss, and be firm and clear with what you want them to do. Also instead of telling them to go up stairs to bed give then small manageable tasks, break it down into little things for them to do until they are in bed, so one task a time.

[Wolfiefan]

Raising your voice won't do it. You need clear consequences like Owl said. If you just yell and then give up why should they listen.

[fitzbilly]

You need to make them listen to you, you need to be firmer.

Shouting won't work, have real consequences.

Just firmly tell them to go back to bed now and then count back from five, and accept no alternative.

[BetteDavis01]

Ok thank you. I've told DD she will lose screen time & DS that I will confiscate his cars. They think I'm joking but I'm not, I'm exhausted & completely fucked off

[fitzbilly]

Sometimes children respond well to a visual consequence, like the sun and cloud or behaviour ladders that are used in schools. I know lots of my parents have copied my behaviour ladder at home(I am early years teacher) .

What does your DC's school use?

[fitzbilly]

So go and take the cars now!!! Don't just threaten.

[Acopyofacopy]

Make sure you follow through and only ever threaten consequences you are prepared to see through to the bitter end. Nothing like not following through to lose control.

[KipperTheFish]

So, we have had phases of this. Two things have helped us. The first is aha parenting - there is a website which I have found really helpful. It just looks at their behaviour in a different way, and suggests different ways of approaching it. There is a book but I haven't read it yet!
Second was reading a book called how to listen so your kids talk and how to talk so your kids listen. I found it really helpful - it has also changed the way I talk to them, and somehow coming at things from a different angle with them makes such a difference. And using humour.

For example, telling ds2 'put your shoes on' will not ever work. It just seems to offend him. However if I say 'right, now we're all going to put our shoes on because it's time to go out' and I get a completely different response. Obviously it's not all that simple, but it really has worked for us.
What doesn't ever work is me shouting or threatening losing screen time etc
Incidentally though I have cut screen time down to just an hour at the weekend and it has made a difference to their behaviour too. (By screens I mean devices/ tables, but they rarely watch tv either, but that's their choice)

[KipperTheFish]

But I do agree that consistent and clear boundaries are also very very important.

[ImperialBlether]

Are you and your DH both there at bedtime? It's much easier if there are you two of you actively involved.

[BetteDavis01]

Thank you everyone. Wow! They are both in bed, we had tears but they have stayed upstairs. I think they were in shock! I opened the front door and went to put the cars in the boot of the car!

I hope once the shock wears off they won't go back to their normal, naughty ways. Fingers crossed & touching wood!

[fitzbilly]

Good, well done!

Now you have to stick to these same consequences every bed time, you have to be charge.

They will want to test you tomorrow so see if today was a one off, so be consistent! Propose them for bed time, last down your expectations and what will happen if they don't fulfill them, and praise them if they do.

[uhoh2016]

Yep my 9 and 6yo are exactly the same, it's like I speak a foreign language. They have to wait till I'm on top note shouting and removing TV I pads etc to respond with a "what are you shouting for" look! Grrrrrrrr😠

[ChocolateHelps]

I second 'how to talk so kids will listen'. Gives really useful ideas on what to say and treat the children like small human beings without needing to threaten or punish.

[SnotGoblin]

They will go back to normal if you don't keep up with cause and effect consequences for actions. It's not a one off mate, it's what you have to do from now on. If you don't do this, this will happen. Rinse and repeat.

Good luck.

[NannyR]

123 magic is a book that I recommend to parents quite often
The actual counting technique works well if you are consistent with it, but it also gives loads of advice on how to talk to kids so you can establish who is in control. For example stating what you want them to do in a clear, concise way ("5 minutes, these toys need to be tidied away"), rather than asking or suggesting that they might like to start thinking about tidying up (for example).

[backtowork2015]

Another vote for magic 1,2,3. Also, as you may not want to do time out, confiscate toys at bedtime (to avoid the ensuing tantrum and even more worked up child at bedtime ) how about "if you're 10mins late to bed tonight you go 10mins earlier tomorrow " and stick to it with reminders in afternoon to evening the next day so it's not a surprise