I can't do this

(32 Posts)
Pyjamaface Sun 19-Jun-16 18:12:29

I want to leave.

DS is 7 and his behaviour has broken me. I'm sitting in the garden crying again while DP baths him.

He is such a lovely, sweet, smart, kind boy but I can't remember the last time he has never been those things with me.

He tantrums, rants and raves, takes whatever he wants, throws things, says he hates me and I'm awful, slams doors.

I have tried everything I can think of, love bombing, reward charts, quiet time in his room, grounding. He has had all electronics removed, an hour of TV a night. Days out, trips to friends, time alone with me, playing games and reading and lots of time outside running around. We have sat down with him and made house rules together.

Nothing is changing.

This morning he went into my bedside drawers and ate a Club biscuit I was saving for myself (sounds stupid but last straw and all that). I spoke to him, explained about personal space/things and told him he was not to go in my room without me.

This afternoon he went back in my room again and smeared lipstick over himself. That is why I'm crying in the garden.

I don't know what else to do, GP has said that I just need to find a way to deal, school have no problems with him bar the odd silliness, he is getting on really well.

And I can't even namechange cos I'm on my phone

meowli Sun 19-Jun-16 18:21:20

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, Pyjama. flowers Is there anything in particular which triggers his outbursts? Have there been any big changes for your family - moving house, losing someone close, changing schools, and how long has he been behaving like this?

Pyjamaface Sun 19-Jun-16 18:30:03

No changes at all, same house for 5 years, same school all the way through etc. He's been like this for at least 6 months, was only occasional bad behaviour before as expected with a small child.

There is no pattern to it that I have been able to see. I have cut the vast majority of sugar out of his diet the last couple of months with no change.

I cannot go on like this, I can't sit and sob every night. I love him with everything I have but I can feel myself putting walls up to try to protect myself and I don't want him to have a closed off mother

bigboypants Sun 19-Jun-16 18:36:01

flowers Op, you have my sympathy, your house sounds like my house.

My DS is 6, we had tried everything you mentioned BUT we were not consistent and did not persevere with any tactics long enough for them to have any effect as we would always end up backing down for an easy life. I have just finished the 5 week Incredible Years course and I have to say, even though I haven't learned anything particularly ground breaking, the main things I have taken away from it are the importance of being consistent, whatever your approach, as well as an enormous amount of strength and confidence that I can help manage these situations better and help him recognise when the outbursts are coming and teaching him how to calm himself, most of this has come from the support of the group. Even just finding out that other families were in the same boat was a weight off my shoulders.

Don't get me wrong, it's hard and takes a lot of stopping and thinking on my part and he has definitely gotten worse because he's waiting to see when I'll crack, but I can see an end to it as he's starting to recognise his behaviour has real effects on others and he is becoming more aware of the feelings of others.

If you can find a course near you, I really really recommend it.

Also, if you don't regularly take time out for yourself, please make that your first step. I never have and now realise that my building stress didn't help anyone.

It will get better. flowers

bigboypants Sun 19-Jun-16 18:38:52

Also, as in your case, my son is doing very well in school and we always get glowing reports from his teacher and other members of staff. That's the really hurtful thing as it feels like we're not important enough to get his good side.

I know that isn't really the case, but it has made me feel like we're the failures as everyone else seems to get the good in him.

Kariana Sun 19-Jun-16 18:42:15

This morning he went into my bedside drawers and ate a Club biscuit I was saving for myself (sounds stupid but last straw and all that). I spoke to him, explained about personal space/things and told him he was not to go in my room without me.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Regarding the behaviour above what was the consequence you issued for this behaviour? You don't mention one but he is old enough to know it was wrong and there needs to be an immediate consequence, not just a speaking to.

Also you have tried lots of techniques there. Despite what tv would have you believe these things take time to work. How long have you tried these for (each one separately I mean)? Did any of them cause the behaviour to get worse?

Pyjamaface Sun 19-Jun-16 18:42:50

Incredible Years. I'll have a Google now. Some sort of course was why I went to the GP but no help from there. Maybe I haven't been consistent enough, I have been flailing about to find something that will give me a glimmer of a breakthrough and it hasn't happened so far.

I can't really take time for me between DS and work and general life although I did have a night away last week (to look after my sister after an op) and I felt like I didn't want to come back! But at the same time I don't want to leave him.

It just feels like constant rejection

Badders123 Sun 19-Jun-16 18:45:35

Ok
Put a lock on your bedroom door
Ditto fridge and kitchen cupboards if stealing food is an issue
He is only 6 and you need to crack down on this behaviour now.
Absolutely agree with previous poster - consistency is key
My own parenting mantra is;
"When you can, say yes but when you say no, mean it!"
Good luck

Pyjamaface Sun 19-Jun-16 18:48:52

No consequence for the biscuit as I'm trying the gentle, love bombing thing, treat them as you would want to be treated etc. There are no sweets/treats in the house apart from fruit as they went in the sugar clear out a couple of months ago.

The grounding was probably the only thing that had any sort of effect (a week) it clamped him slightly but the day the grounding was lifted he went off again

Pyjamaface Sun 19-Jun-16 18:50:27

I have considered a lock on my door/cupboards but that just makes me feel worse. How bad a mother am I that I have to lock everything away from a 7 year old?

Badders123 Sun 19-Jun-16 18:56:30

You aren't a bad mother!
A bad more he wouldn't be on here asking for help X

Pyjamaface Sun 19-Jun-16 19:01:28

DP has now gone upstairs with a load of cleaning stuff and is refusing to tell me why so I presume he has been in my things again sad

He tipped away all the shower gel and shampoo from the side of the bath earlier this week because he 'wanted to play with water'. He could have had his paddling pool filled or a bucket in the garden if he had asked but instead he wasted stuff.

It's like he has no impulse control at all. Except he does everywhere else but home

Wolfiefan Sun 19-Jun-16 19:05:04

Each thing needs a clear and immediate consequence. Stick to a plan and follow it through. Changing strategies will only confuse.

Lymphy Sun 19-Jun-16 19:45:13

If you came to a dead end with GP contact your school nursing team, they should be able to help with first level behaviour intervention and support and potentially refer onwards if needs be, xxx

CoteDAzur Sun 19-Jun-16 19:51:18

Sugar in his diet is unlikely to be the culprit if nobody else is having this problem with your DS - rather, it sounds like he thinks he can take the piss (with you) and get away with it. How is it that he does something expressly forbidden (go through your stuff), damage your property (lipstick), and you are the one left crying? The balance of power seems to be in his favour, although he is 7 and you are his mother.

"No consequence for the biscuit as I'm trying the gentle, love bombing thing, treat them as you would want to be treated etc."

Sorry but I don't think that will be effective. Would you not expect there to be consequences if you went through a friend's drawers (after she told you not to, no less) and stole something she was keeping for herself?

insan1tyscartching Sun 19-Jun-16 20:07:30

Clear and immediate consequences every single time is what is needed. I'm with Cote, he's behaved badly, taken your stuff,disobeyed your express instructions and you are the one that is crying hmm He needs to see you are cross, he needs to feel your disappointment and he needs to be left in no doubt that it's unacceptable and he has earned himself a consequence. If the gadgets have gone then you dock the TV time ,you send him up to bed earlier, you stop his sweets you do whatever it takes for him to see you mean business.
For taking the biscuit I'd have stopped his sweets,for the lipstick I'd have stopped the TV today and for whatever dh is cleaning up I'd have sent him to bed 30 minutes earlier.Start afresh tomorrow but for every time he is out of line you give a consequence, it will sink in and when it does and he behaves better towards you the love bombing will come naturally. flowers for you.

IveAlreadyPaid Sun 19-Jun-16 20:12:26

I have a child l like this and it is such hard work. Unless you have one you don't have a clue! So loads of sympathy from me cakebrew

Miloarmadillo1 Sun 19-Jun-16 20:45:54

Sympathies pyjama as my middle child age 6 is similar and is driving me up the wall. I think in his case a lot of it is for attention, he is finding competing with 'golden boy' older brother and little sister with SN difficult. I have tried my best to give him one on one time and extra attention, and I get it all thrown back in my face. He steals regularly, particularly small electrical items, and leaves the batteries lying around which is so dangerous with DD at a toddling and sticking things in the mouth stage. We are confiscating a toy every time he takes something that is not his, he is practically living in a bare cell. He has no money left in his account after paying for things he has deliberately broken. We are at the end of our tether, DH is ready to pack him off to boarding school. School have no complaints at all.
We had a serious talk yesterday and agreed to start again with a clean slate, return all his stuff, allow TV/computer time again, and wrote out his agreement to 'the rules' ( no stealing, no messing with batteries) and within 24 hours he had taken something else. He is also a complete drama llama about every little thing, having an arm inside out on an item of clothing is enough to trigger a meltdown. He makes me really angry, I sometimes end up threatening overly major consequences, but I do always follow through. He missed two birthday parties at half term because he had stolen batteries and refused to admit it or show us where they were hidden. We've tried to be very clear, every time he takes something, one of his things will be confiscated, every time he breaks something, he will have to pay for it. I find it very hard not to be constantly simmering with resentment towards him, if he was in the least contrite it would be easier to take, he just bounces back all smiles and questions.
Following to see if you get any good advice!

Pyjamaface Sun 19-Jun-16 21:03:44

I was crying because it is constant and has been for months. I obviously know I am getting this all wrong. He has had no sweets for a couple of months, he had had no electronics since the beginning of the year, all consequences and has made no difference. When he was grounded he didn't leave the house for a week unless it was to school or to my DM's so I could work, he didn't watch TV either

Yet, here I am with a raging headache and sick to my stomach at how easy some people find all this but I am sinking and failing

Badders123 Sun 19-Jun-16 21:05:11

I find parenting many things...but easy?
Nope!

Miloarmadillo1 Sun 19-Jun-16 21:13:49

It's not easy. We seem to have done an ok job with DS1, but DS2 is a whole different ball game! I go for furious rather than crying, but I'm with you totally on being worn down by it, we've had over a year and no end in sight.

insan1tyscartching Sun 19-Jun-16 21:40:17

Well it's better to start every day with a clean slate so only remove the devices, the TV, sweets for one day because if they have all gone for extended periods of time he has nothing left to lose.
So make a list of the things that matter to him most in order, so if the Nintendo ds is most loved that is the first thing removed.For every incident you remove one thing for the rest of the day and if you run out of things to remove you move bedtime forward by fifteen minutes.
Next morning you chat about what he needs to do better at so as to keep hold of his stuff and return everything to him removing again as needed in the same order.
If there has been any improvement at all so if he has kept one of his privileges you notice and praise him for trying hard and remind him of how nice it was when he kept TV time for example the following morning.
It will work consistency and routine is the key,I have five dc and they have all grown up to be pretty wonderful people and without exception they have all had their moments.

Wolfiefan Sun 19-Jun-16 21:43:35

When you give consequences they need to be given calmly. They also need to be proportionate. No electronics for 6 months.
If my 6 year old plays up it is not TV TODAY. If the punishment just carries on and on they figure "well why not play up I'm being punished already!"
And praise. Anything good. Putting his shoes on. Saying thanks. Doing HW nicely. Being kind. Tidying.

CocktailQueen Sun 19-Jun-16 22:04:05

Sympathy.

I think I'd be looking at some professional help for him. This is beyond normal 7yo naughtiness/not listening. If he can behave at school but is horrible to you? So hard for you to deal with.

Pyjamaface Sun 19-Jun-16 22:11:00

Sorry, I'm being snippy and a lot bit defeatist. I am just so tired but not sleeping cos I'm constantly stressed and upset.

Thank you trying to help though, I feel like it's the first time anybody has actually listened and heard what I'm saying.

Tomorrow is a new day, I'm gonna have a think while I'm at work and try to find if there is a parenting class near me that I could afford/work around shifts.

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