BLIMEY, IVE JUST BEEN PULLED INTO SEE MY 5 YR OLD SONS TEACHER.......

[TenaLady]

I am truly shocked that she has told me that he has been hitting (more like poking) other children when sitting on the mat over a period of time which came to a head today with a punch in the eye to a boy in his class.

my ds is and always has been a kind, caring sort and we certainly dont have this carry on at home. We are loving, caring parents and dont show violent tendancies at home.

We do have a carry on with him in other ways but who doesnt? When I say carry on, I mean he doesnt always respond to what you ask him to do which is frustrating but quite normal from what I gather.

I just dont know what to do with him. Its easy to say take away privelages but it has never worked.

Teacher says to give treats if he makes it through the day but my dh says that this isnt real life. We all dont get rewards just because we made it through the day behaving normally.

He is a bright spark academically and I cant think of any other reason why he should behave this way other than he is bored and maybe the pace is a little slow for him.

Anyone been in the same boat and got any solutions that worked for them?

[TenaLady]

just been called in for dinner, be back later>>>>>>>>>>>

[mamalocco]

Sounds like he's bored at school and in that case it's something for the teacher to address. If he's fine at home (and non responsive is v. normal - or at least it is in this house!!). Did the teacher say that it was only whilst sitting on the mat? If so, and it's not at any other times like in the playground or whilst engaged in an activity in the classroom, then I don't see why it is such an issue (for her to mention it I mean). Has she said what she is going to do to avoid this in the future?

[TenaLady]

No she has kind of passed the buck i guess. She said it has been progressive and even when he is told not to do it, after a few minutes he is at it again.

I tend to agree with the boredom factor just wish the teacher could pick up on it for herself. I cant stand the thought of having to push him forward as bright and therefore needs something a little more taxing to keep him occupied. Oh the shame of being seen as a pushy mum!

[purpleturtle]

Dd has been complaining about carpet-time over the last couple of weeks. It's boring, apparently. Plus, it seems that her teacher pulls them all to the carpet at times when the class is not concentrating on individual tasks very well. Dd seems to resent that the behaviour of others means she's often called away from 'her work'.

So far, this has not manifested in bad behaviour at school, but a serious reluctance to go to school in the first place. Maybe your ds is dealing with similar frustrations, in a different way. Agree that it may be for the teacher to handle, though, not necessarily you.

[PanicPants]

Could it be more to do with WHO he is sat next to? Some children poke and prod friends for a laugh, others do it to children who they clash with.

Has he been given a carpet square to sit on? A TA to keep an eye on him? Reward system in school? Sanctions in place in school?

[southeastastra]

he is only little, sometimes their first reaction to things is physical rather than asking for help. they're still learning how to act socially too at that age.

[PanicPants]

If he is in reception then carpet time will be quite short anyway.

[whoopsfallenoveragain]

Do you have my son? What you say is exactly like my ds!
I had to have a long chat with his teacher yesterday as he has been punching and drawing over other childrens clothes
They are talking about implementing a ladder system where he has 3 steps of a ladder and he has to move a peg up a step when he misbehaves if he reaches the top he has to miss 5 minutes of playtime. If he is on one of the steps at the end of the day the rest of the class have to decided whether he stays on that step or gets to go back to the bottom. I was told that it was something they have used previously and been successful.
My ds is also a bright lad and the teacher admitted that he could be frustrated that he couldn't read/write the things he knows in his head.
my ds is also 5 in reception

[PanicPants]

Have you actually asked your ds if he is bored? Perhaps a chat with lots of cuddles might help you get to the bottom of the problem.

at purpleturtle though - can't believe a teacher would regulary do this - more disruptive than disruptive children.

[Miaou]

From what you say TenaLady, I think it's worth speaking to the teacher after the weekend and saying to her that you fail to see how "sanctions" at home are going to help with a problem that (seems to be) limited to a specific setting within the school day. That is for her to sort out, not for you. At the age of 5 I think that he is too young to be told by you that he must behave during carpet time - whenever you tell him it will be too far from the time of the "incidents" to have any impact.

Why don't you suggest that she sits him at the front/among the girls/on a special "quiet place" cushion etc?

(I am not a fan of carpet time, especially for children this small, unless it is kept very short - it's like an invitation to misbehave IMO)

[singersgirl]

I feel your pain and can really only empathise.

DS2 (5 and in Y1, but only 5 in August, so very young) was sent to the headteacher on Wednesday for biting another child. He's never bitten another child before! Apparently the other boy was grabbing him and wouldn't let go. We've obviously explained biting is never acceptable and you go and tell an adult if you have any problems.

He's also been kept in at playtime twice this week for not finishing literacy work. He is also a bright little boy and I think is frustrated that the physical process of writing is slow and laborious when his mind is racing ahead.

I also think he is sometimes bored (last week the teacher was apparently teaching the days of the week!) but of course this is entirely a separate issue from the biting.

Actually I think a reward system for breaking a bad habit is a good idea, even if it is not real life. It worked for DS2 last year in Reception when he went through a 'silly at playtime' stage. I think sometimes these patterns become established without the child really knowing why.

[purpleturtle]

Oh yes. Apparently, it's a very difficult class. All the teachers think so.

Seemed fine in reception. This teacher seems to keep them pushed down so hard all they can do is rebel. There are 20 boys in a class of 29, and she keeps them sitting on the carpet for 45 minutes at a time. And PE lessons are cancelled for bad behaviour too (although I only have that from dd, and I suspect she may exaggerate!)

[mummydear]

Did he punch the boy whilst sitting at carpet time or did it happen elsewhere ?

[Miaou]

45 minutes is absolutely ridiculous PT!! I couldn't sit still for 45 minutes . Honestly, 10 minutes is a max IM(not very)HO.

[TenaLady]

not sure where or when he punched the other child (although secretly I would punch him too, he is a bit of a so an so) I can see how they perhaps wouldnt get on. However, saying that he has been to tea at this lads house and as I understand it the lads mum said my child behaved impeccably which confuses me further.

I think maybe he may of been provoked but of course I cant be sure.

Still doesnt get over the problem of the poking at carpet time.

I do think sitting him away from his usual gang may help ( i think they all have to sit in their colour teams) I know the missing out of playtime would definitely sort it as he loves his footy with the older lads at this time.

Hmm couple of good suggestions which has stirred the old grey matter. Thanks for that

[parade]

Yes but I'd be surprised if she's ringing you just because she has nothing better to do than tick off parents unreasonably.

I'm a teacher, & we really don't have these conversations for fun.

Maybe he just doesn't like not getting his own way - hence he doesn't always respond to you at home, & if he has to sit still for what he considers to be a long period of time (45 minutes IS ridiculous) then he subverts the situation by bopping the nearest kid - well, it's a diversion & the attention's focused on him!

I'm not saying he isn't a lovely, bright young man, but maybe you should discuss strategies with the teacher rather than going in all guns blazing & assuming it's HER problem. Not for her sake - she doesn't sound brilliant, tbh - but for your son's future relationship with authority?

[PanicPants]

45minutes is ridiculous. Noone can sustain concentration for that amount of time, let alone a child.

I'm a teacher too, and I do agree with Parade, perhaps go in and discuss ways both you and the school can work together to help your ds.

[mummydear]

Your son is poking children at carpet time thast one issue to sort out if he is bored, but if he punched the child away from the carpet area I dont think boredom can explain that away .

More talks with teacher I feel to find out exactly what happened.

A reward system for good behaviour can work , I suggest more talks with your DH aswell

[TenaLady]

Panic and Parade, being teachers, I can understand your need for some re-inforcement from home when a child is playing up. I have to say I dont think the children in his class of 15 have to sit on a carpet for more than 20mins (assembly) or literacy and numeracy.

He does seem to be able to concentrate when given a task and excells in reading and numbers and another language (french)

At home he is never a happier boy than when sitting concentrating on something, puzzle, reading, educational cd roms on computer etc.
He was socialised from 6m onwards in toddler groups and friends and went to nursery early so his social skills seem to of been taken care of.

His nursery teachers and also his recent reception class parents evening we were told that he was a caring child and liked to help others.

So with all this you can see why I am aghast!

What do you make of it as professionals?

[PanicPants]

I think you should have ago at trying to talk to him, even if it only rules out an underlying problem.

Sometimes children act in a way that isn't always obvious to the cause (iyswim).

Could be frustration, but could be other reasons including social or emotional.

[PanicPants]

Class of 15!!!!!!!!!! Only just noticed that bit. Well in that case, the teacher should be able to cope just fine with him!!!!

Very very very

[TenaLady]

AND she has an assistant and SOMETIMES a parent helper to read!!!

[snowleopard]

"Carpet time"!!! Even its name is making me want to fall over with boredom. It sounds awful. It does sound as if he's a child whol likes to make his own amusement and likes being alone, and this kind of enforced group suppression must be difficult for him - and/or it could be that someone else is deliberately winding him up.

I'd focus on going over with him why you can't hurt other people, why it's not on and how we can't behave like this, or what would life be like for us all? If punishments/rewards don't work it might be better to appeal to his understanding and intellect.

[parade]

Um, well, class of 15 AND with assistance does sound relatively unchallenging - I take it all back!

I think I'd ring her back & ask for a face to face meeting to discuss strategies. Ask questions like: What is the normal daily routine? Does he behave well during more challenging activities? Does he respond well when you praise him? What has he been praised for this week? Is it a specific child he doesn't interact well with, & how have you addressed this?

She ought to be able to give you clear answers to all of these & together you should be able to come up with targets for ds. Not necessarily a rewards system (I half agree with your dh tbh) but 3 achievable daily targets: eg. don't choose to sit next to Fred if he provokes you, try to get one good comment in your diary, try to do one kind thing to help someone else in the class...

Teacher to make a point of telling you if he meets these targets, you then praise him, you both report back to daddy who also praises him for being a good boy?

[frances5]

I think you should go along with what your teacher suggests and reward him for days when he does behave himself.

Maybe a starchart if you dont want to give a reward everyday. I think star charts to represent the real world. For example maybe your son's teacher doesnt want to get up in the morning to teach, but she is paid a salary as a reward.

It is unfair to put 100% of the blame on the teacher. A child should not poke or punch other children however bored they are. It is the parents job to make sure that their child has some idea how to behave when away from the home.

Parents have a huge influence over their children and your teacher wants your help and support in stopping this behavior. If you and the teacher work as team then things will get better.