My son is horrible to me

(10 Posts)
ID1984 Mon 23-May-16 17:18:13

My son is 6 and a half. He has been having trouble at school and is working with the SENCO and has been seen by the educational psychiatrist. I am really struggling with his behaviour at the moment as he can be so mean. For example about a month ago I deleted YouTube from our Wii and explained that it was because he had been typing inappropriate words into the search and I was trying to keep him safe. He has been brooding over it for a month and I came home today to find that he had deleted my Netflix account from the Wii (including the extra one on the SD card.) He knew that I couldn't download it again because I had told him that the download channel was broken (this is true.) He told me, smirking that it was because I had deleted YouTube. I know that this seems trivial but I am amazed at how he has carefully planned his revenge over such a long time and he is 6! He does things like this a lot and he is cruel to me. He told me to get my "yucky" hands off of him when I stroked his hair. I don't understand where he gets this from, my husband is kind to me and our 4 year old son is well behaved. Does anyone have any thoughts?

ID1984 Mon 23-May-16 17:33:56

Another thing that he does, or has done at least four times, is to wait until a group of people are walking past and then trip himself up saying "mummy pushed me!" Or "Why did you push me?" I feel terrible and some people have reacted badly when he has done this.

Frusso Mon 23-May-16 18:20:42

What has the ed psych said/advised?

FerkTheeesSheet Mon 23-May-16 18:58:10

Firstly, I feel like you come across as scared of him, you need to take control back off him and stand up to his behaviour. If his behaviour is allowed to flourish, you may have a very abusive teen on your hands one day.
Don't make any empty threats, if you say you're going to X, Y & Z if he misbehaves then follow through and get DH on board. You have to be united.
It does sound like he has issues and worries. Sit him down and talk to him, listen to what he says and try your best to see from his point of view.
Try to instil in him the importance of not lying to get people in trouble. Try to get across the consequences of lying to get you in trouble, obviously in an age appropriate way - don't scare the crap out of him by telling him the police will take him away or anything!
Don't brush off his concerns as silly and childish as he IS a child and small things can be massive to him.

ID1984 Mon 23-May-16 19:07:09

The school think that he has Asperger's syndrome and he has been referred to the autism team. We are not sure he does seem to display some of the behaviour traits and scored highly on a GAD assessment.

Frusso Mon 23-May-16 20:37:33

I would say it's always worth looking at some of the techniques for managing behaviour with asd children, and if they don't work look at PDA strategies.

(PDA will not respond to some rigid asd techniques - can't often make the behaviours worse, as the behaviours are anxiety driven, and giving controlled control back to them can help them feel calmer)

Whatever the cause of his behaviour try to not take it personally, even if it feels personal and deliberate, something like the Netflix may not be as thought out as it looks to an adult, and more he saw an opportunity and remembered, than held a grudge for a month. although equally it is possible as my dd held a long grudge at about the same age.

ID1984 Mon 23-May-16 21:14:24

Thank you I had not heard of PDA but looking at the PDA Society I can see a lot of my son's behaviour could be explained if he had it. I will bring it up next time we have a meeting at the school. I try not to take it personally it can be hard when he seems to be constantly rejecting me. However recently he's been asking to spend Sunday afternoons with me. My dh has been taking our other son out so that we can spend time together which is helping.

WombOfOnesOwn Mon 23-May-16 23:26:00

Asperger's sounds ridiculous, for a child who understands VERY well how his words affect people around him. A child who'd think to say that you'd tripped him but only in front of other people, for sympathy and for them to dislike you because of it, is obviously a rather sophisticated observer of emotions and behavior. He sounds more like a sociopath in training than a child with an autism spectrum disorder -- ASDs don't usually manifest as an uncanny knack for understanding what will make people upset or sympathetic.

CocktailQueen Mon 23-May-16 23:28:13

I'm afraid I agree with Womb.

Frusso Tue 24-May-16 07:30:57

Wow womb.
You've serious over though the actions of a 6 year old. Have you considered that the thought processes could be slightly less complicated. Perhaps- Child does it once, gets a reaction, gets attention, thinks it's funny/interesting. So repeats the action.
Not dissimilar a smaller child that bites because they like the face you pull or the way you say ow.
To presume that some children and adults on the autistic spectrum do not have the ability to be socially manipulative or engineer social situations is a misunderstanding of the broadness and complexities of the spectrum. It's not just limited to autism and aspergers.

I'm not saying OPs child is on the spectrum, he may be he may not be, that's what OPs referral is for. but that some of the strategies for managing behaviours may work where the typical parenting techniques don't.

ID it can be hard not to take it personally, you're his safety net, you're safe, he trusts you, and you're always there for him, that's why you'll often feel it the worst.
but trying to start each day anew, wipe the slate clean with a hug and a kiss and an I love you, at bedtime and start again in the morning.
it is good that he's asking to spend time with you, this may initially have the opposite effect, but keep at it and he will improve.

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