my 3 year old pushes & hits her cousin

[Mumofone181]

Hi, I'm growing more & more concerned about my 3 year old hitting (mainly her cuz who's the same age) it's caused friction between our family's especially between me & my brother. We thought she had calmed down as the girls really love each other & play really nicely until something comes over my one & she will viscously scratch her! Today was the worst event because if I hadn't been sitting Infront of my niece on the stairs, she would have fallen down them
due to my LO pushing her with all her strength! When we asked her why she did it she just said "because she was in my way" A brief description on my daughter:- She has amazed teachers with her vocabulary & ability to express herself since before she turned 2, she whizzes through 24 piece puzzles,She loves to learn & she's been helping a little girl in her class with a disability, she apparently makes sure that she's ok and really looks out for this little girl so why she hits her cousin & anyone else that's "In her way" and how she thought it was ok to push her cousin at the top of the stairs is beyond me!
Today could have had a very different turn out and I thank god I was there!! But I feel like doing the "calm approach" with her is not working! If that was me as a child I would have got a smack and never done it again, which I would never do! Instead I called a child psychologist and she was so laid back about it as she says that at this age some children are not as emotionally intelligent as others..
Has anyone had any experience with this and ideally I'm interested in knowing if they do grow out of it or if this is something more serious that I'm not seeing.
She goes nursery and I'm rarely called in for things like this, apparently it's the right amount & they are not concerned at all!'she plays well with children from her nursery in & out of nursery but it saddens me that I can't just go round my brothers without having to hover ontop of them! The strangest part is that on our way there today, my LO said "I'm not going to hit my cousin today mummy" and everything was going so well for the 2 hrs that we were there but she had to end the visit like this. I'm now looking at other schools because I'm worried that she may hit her cousin at school & it will cause more problems.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

How do you discipline her when she hits other choldren OP?

[Mumofone181]

I turn to the other child to comfort them before anything else and then I turn to my one & tell her off without shouting but am very firm. She always looks shocked before Iv even told her off, it's like she doesn't realise what she's done. I tell her to say sorry and she tries to cuddle her but as it's happened so much, her cousin is not interested in a cuddle not a sorry anymore! Today's punishment was not taking her to a friends house after as planned & also no tv, no bedtime story, no desert (not that she cares for desert as her diet is every woman's dream!) to be honest i couldn't stop explaining to her over & over again what could have happened if I weren't there to stop her cousin from falling.
I kept quizzing her on what we never ever do whilst at the top of a staircase.. I don't know what else to do as we haven't seen them for a few months now after my sil & bro went crazy after my LO scratched her cousins face - not far from her eye.

[Mumofone181]

I thought having the break would have made her realise that this is what happens when u hit etc.. I can't believe after what seemed like a lovely play date, could have turned into a tragic nightmare.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

At 3, her attention span and memory won't be great wrt actions and consequences, so it is best for the consequences to happen straight after you have comforted the other child. She may not have noticed the break from seeing her cousin, much less connected to scratching her.

When DS was that age, I used Time Out which was immediate and worked well for us.

[Mumofone181]

I useto always use the naughty step straight away but she didn't care, she would calmly wait til her 3 mins were up. I even packed all of her favourite toys away when somwthing happened at my house, but she didn't care! She even helped me pack them away!

[DioneTheDiabolist]

It's fine for her to sit calmly until her time is up. As long as it is immediate and you explain why what she did was wrong. Multiple punishments through the day and into bedtime are not the way to go. Nor is "quizzing" her. She is too young to understand your questions.

When her time is up go back, tell her what she did wrong. Tell her to say sorry. This is probably what they do in nursery and that's why she doesn't hit when she's there.

[Mumofone181]

Quizzing her has actually proven to be very affective as the ladies at the nursery witnessed a child hitting my LO today and instead of hitting her back she went and told an adult. Telling her once immediately after an incident has not worked in the past as it was easily forgotten, so I will keep doing what I'm doing but thank you for your advice.