Don't know if DD is being a bully. Upset and not sure what to do. Any experience/advice?

[WonderingAspie]

I do have this in chat as well but thought after it could get lost there quite quickly.

DD is 8. She has a friend (X) in her class who she has often clashed with from about year 1. Sometimes they are friends, other times they just don't get on. In some ways I think it's because they can be similar.

It's been apparent for a while that X's mum has an issue with DD. X is constantly telling tales on others and it's not always accurate or certain bits are omitted. I put the mums issue down to X telling her stuff about DD. DD has told me things that X has said to her in the past, quite mean stuff all picking on DDs favourite things but I told her to just ignore it. I suspect there is an element of jealousy (the mum certainly has the same trait).

A couple of weeks ago X told another child Y (a good friend of DDs) that DD had said something particular nasty. DD wasn't even there at the time this was said, it was out of school. DD is pretty loyal to her friends (the ones that she doesn't clash with which is most of them) and I've questioned her and she is adamant she didn't say it and I do believe her. X has been saying nasty things to Y for a little while and the mum is having an issue with it and is considering bringing it up with X's mum. Again it seems like jealousy is at the root.

Since I asked DD about that incident, she has been very angry with X (she doesn't like being 'wronged' in any way and will take it quite badly). I told her absolutely that she was not to go saying stuff to X and she swore she didn't. However it turns out that this isn't correct and she has been saying things. She is due to go to a friends this week (Z) and Z has been saying she doesn't want DD to go because she is being nasty to X. Z doesn't know about the out of school incident.

We have had this issue before. If anyone wrongs DD she doesn't seem to get over it, unless it's her best friends, then they can walk all over her, if it's someone she isn't keen on then she will take it badly. She also cannot own up to a single thing. We've had many chats about it and how important it is to just hold your hands up and not to lie as that makes it worse and the truth has a way of coming out.

I'm at my wits end with this. On one hand I (and DH) think she is retaliating to the event a couple of weeks ago and to stuff from the past when X was being mean (this was about a year ago now) but on the other hand I don't want to bury my head in the sand if DD is being nasty and I want to stamp it out.

I genuinely don't know what to do and I feel quite upset over it. DD has a lovely side to her, all the other parents (apart from X's mum) say how polite, lovely and well behaved she is and they have never had an issue with her. But I can't ignore what I'm hearing about her behaviour in school. The teacher pulled me aside once when X was being left out of the whole group but this was because I had had to go in the previous week because DD was being left out. Again it's like retaliation but then is X retaliating. It's hard to know!

I feel we need to come down hard on DD because I won't have her being nasty to other children. Especially when her own friends are picking up on it. And this issue of not owning up is a problem. Z also said they were all in trouble in school before for something they all did and they all owned up except DD who was adamant she didn't do it.

Sorry for the length, just wanted to try and get it all in.

[MattDillonsPants]

I say this kindly, but stay out of these spats. Unless another parent contacts you directly or the school do, then do not listen to closely.

Do not be drawn into discussing the crappy little spats with the parents if it's in the form of "X, said that Y said that Z said..." because that's nothing but gossip.

Repeat "Oh dear it's so much better when they all get on isn't it?" and change the subject.

Micro managing the friendships of 8 year old girls can only lead to trouble.

It's normal for this to some extend and unless it's the same child being picked on regularly, then you have to butt out.