3 yr DS behaviour with other children - please help need advice(10 Posts)
My DS 3 years has started pushing, knocking, shouting, growling, stamping on toes/hands and charging at other children. He does this to bigger older children and younger children. He's not scared of even the older children, he has also done this to adults just walking by.
DD arrived 3m ago and before that he was fine. He's so so at home, loves the baby most the time (has his moments). I feel so stressed taking him out to the park, soft play or seeing his cousins because of his behaviour. He goes to nursery 3 tikes a week and is an angel there, or so I am told!
When he does something to another child I tell him off, give him a warning not to do it again and say a consequence of what will happen if he does it again depending where we are eg we are going to leave the park. I probably give a few too many telling offs/ warnings before following through on consequence e.g actually leave the park. Just because I feel sorry for him and want him to be able to play in the park or soft play.
My husband and I are guilty of maybe giving him too much attention when he was younger in relation to playing with him and him not having much independent play. For example going around with him at soft play as he would want us to and him not going off exploring and playing by himself.
What can I do to nip this behaviour in the bud? I am worried an older chd or someone is going to hurt him. Other parents are giving me evil looks too. He's such a lovely boy really (honestly) and he looks confused and gets upset when I tell him off. I explain why eg he's hurt someone etc.
I see all other parents sitting chatting at the parks and soft play whilst their children are off playing. I'm constantly running around or on standby at the edge of the soft play with horrendous nerves feeling sick keep telling him off or watching he doesn't get hit back. What do I do? Should I sit back and let him learn the consequence of his actions? Eg someone push him back so he knows he can't get away doing it? I don't want him to get hurt though.
Please help, I feel so upset for him
Stop giving all those warnings! ONE warning, and then you follow through on whatever consequence you warned him about.
Don't sit back and wait for someone to hit him back!! It's your responsibility to teach him that this behaviour is completely unacceptable.
Wel he might get hurt. And as you've said it may help him better understand the consequences of his behaviours.
However I would not suggest you 'sit back' and let it happen. It might happen anyway if you can't intervene in time.
I would say keep doing what you're doing. Perhaps less warnings and a bit more follow through??
Even if he's only removed temporarily if you tell him he's leaving if he hits out again, then you must take him and leave if he does so.
Endless threats and warnings are ineffective and pointless.
I would suspect this is a phase caused by age and possibly the arrival of his sibling. Have clear expectations and be consistent. Both parents need to be on board.
Thank you for all of your helpful advice and I will take everything on board and put this into action right away.
I must stress he has never hurt anyone (although this is no excuse). It's more done in a cheeky way! Also, I think it came out wrong about him being pushed back, I would never want him to be hurt of course, but was thinking maybe eg at his football club when he's with other boys the same age, instead of intervene straight away giving it a minute so that the other person reacts and he can see that's he upset them or if he does get a shove back he might not do it again. Is never put him in any harm.
Thanks for all advice much appreciated.
If he pushes and stamps at feet it is only a matter of time before someone is going to get hurt. I would give him one warning; if he does it again you take him straight home, ignoring his crying or tantrums.
Leaving him to get on with it when he is with boys his own age is not fair on the other boys: it assumes that you can know that no other 3yo would find it intimidating. You can't know. My ds at that age would have stopped wanting to go if there had been a boy like him there. He would not necessarily have said anything at the time, but he would have been upset afterwards at home. Still remember ds' sad little comments at the dinner table hours after he had been repeatedly bitten by another child.
Try to see it from the other parents' pov.
If this was another child who did it to your ds, maybe a bigger child (you did say he does it to smaller children), would you really want the other parent to just let him get on with it so that he can see that your ds reacts?
I wonder whether it's an attention thing. It must be very hard with a newborn but are you able to spend any 1-1 time with him (or even if the baby is there, perhaps asleep, time focused on him). Even 10 mins a day could help.
I also agree on the warnings. For something like this I'd do one and then follow through. For something more minor I might start more gently e.g. A reminder like 'use your quiet voice' and then introduce a consequence the second time, but I'd always follow through on the consequence the next time.
That's only my approach though and may not work for you.
Oh and I would ask my DD (also 3) what had happened and why and try to support her to work out a better way of dealing with it. She surprises me often!
Thanks for all of your replies and helpful advice. He has lots of 1:1 time with both me and dad, we make sure we praise and reward good behaviour etc. Will start just issuing one warning and then following through with the consequence. Thanks for taking the time to reply to me x
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