I can't cope with my 6 yo

[icantcope]

He really is hard to get along with. I just can't do it anymore. He is highly strung, bossy, screams in his siblings faces and impossible to reason with.

I have just lost my temper with him and given him a smack and now I feel like shit. Although to be honest I feel like throttling him at the moment.

He has been having problems at school and I have stuck my neck out and made myself unpopular with other parents and the teachers and now I'm just wondering why the hell I bothered. If he carries on at school like he does at home, he must be a nightmare.

I feel so disloyal saying this and it's crap and nasty but I really do feel at the end of my tether with him. I don't feel like I can talk to my friends or family about this, because I know he can he irritating and it annoys me when they get fed up with him, I don't want to give them a reason to say anything negative about him iykwim. I might be moaning, but I don't want anyone else to.

I don't know what to do anymore. He has been like this for years and i'm obviously incapable of dealing with it. I'm a single parent btw.

I'd appreciate your advice, just off to do bath time.

[Kaybeee]

Could it be that this is more than behavioural? Can you not have him assessed as he is having problems at home and school?
It must be so hard for you

[NorksBride]

It is worth discussing this with his teacher to see if he does behave like this at school. If so, they might have some useful advice/contacts for you.

Are your other DCs younger or older? I'm assuming they don't behave in the same way or you'd be wanting to throttle them too!

It may be useful to have someone else talk to him about any fears, worries etc he has - my DD has long phases of this sort of behaviour but she rarely opens up and tells me about it. And if I suggest what might be causing her bad behaviour, she immediately agrees and then tends to make something up to fit with what I've said (so I no longer 'lead' the conversation).

I know it's hard and I do sympathise, but you will have to resolve this one way or another as you have to give him house room for at least another 9 years ! Good luck!

[icantcope]

Thanks for replying. I feel even worse now, my other ds just managed to bash me on the nose and I was nearly in tears. Ds1 burst into tears as well and said he wants his dad and I to live together again. Apparently his dad's house is posher and he wants us all to go and live there. He also thinks I should start doing the lottery.

Tbh, he is probably picking up on my fears about what is going to happen when the kids are older. Either that or he's been eaves dropping on conversations. My exp is in a much better financial position than me, he has a nice house in a nice area and we now live in a prefab on a not exactly desirable housing estate. I do worry that the kids will be embarassed to bring friends back here when they are older, I feel ashamed myself.

Dd2 asked why ds1 was upset and I said it was because he wanted to live in his dad's house and dd2 then said she wanted to go as well. I then got upset and have probably made everything worse.

I have often wondered if he has some sort of problems, i'm not sure what though. His teacher seems to think he is pleasant and quiet, although he will not concentrate during lessons. She agrees that he is highly emotional, although it seems that I am now the cause of this, as I was upset about him being bullied.

I really want to sort things out once and for all, I just feel overwhelmed with everything though. I am obviously screwing my kids up in the most spectacular fashion but I just can't seem to find the strength to change.

[Skribble]

Many of us get like this sometimes and get stuck in a parenting rut, yes he probably is insecure due to ongoing problems around him.

Age has a lot to do with it too, they are starting to take more notice of what goes on around them and can be quite surprised that it doesn't in fact revolve around them. They can start to worry about the bigger picture.

Perhaps not reason with him so much, easier to get into arguments if he thinks he can debate everything, sometimes it can feel better for them to be told what to do rather than trying to cajoel them. Praise praise prasie when he is doing well and keep it short and simple when he is not.

Wtihout becoming a dictator you might need to re establish who is the boss, that might take the pressure off him a bit. COnsistancy can also be a big thing at this age as they are very good at picking up on how your reactions can differ according to your mood.

I think they do improve with age my 10 year old is much more plascid and aimable.

[NorksBride]

I'm sorry things are so tough. The split with ExP and your financial situation do seem to be causing the DCs some problems.

I guess you have to be positive about what you have, how much you love them, how well you look after them, how much time you give them, all that jazz! And hope that things settle down and they stop being jealous of what ExP has.

Don't let what the DCs say get to you. You know they don't mean it nastily. Children can be kings of spite when they want to be. Sometimes it takes all my strength not to be mean back to them! I usually resort to blowing a raspberry at them. Then they tell me off for being rude

By the way, how come ExP is in such a good house whilst you and his DCs aren't?

[icantcope]

Thanks for replying last night. Things were a bit calmer this morning, but ds was still moaning and whinging.

Exp and I weren't married, he ended up with the house and the kids and I ended up in a HA property. I decided to go to bed early last night, only to hear the police shouting outside. Generally all of my neighbours in our little area are very nice, there is one family that is a bit suspect, but I never really see them so they don't cause me any problems. Anyway the police decided to break their door down for some reason.

It just reinforced my fears that this isn't really a very nice area and given a choice, I'd rather bring my kids up somewhere nice. I feel guilty that I've bought my kids to this when they could have been living in a nice house in a nice area.

Anyway this is turning into me wittering on about my situation, when really my main issue is with ds. I think I need to find a complete different way of dealing with him, I'm just not sure what though. Will read your replies again for inspiration.

[blossomhill]

icantcope ~ you could always try fish oils for your ds.
If I was in your situation I would sit down with his teacher and ask exactly what the problems your son was having and if they felt he needed to be assessed.
I think the problems you are dealing with are hard to do on your own iykwim

[funkimummy]

Sounds a bit mad - but have you tried a good boy chart?

My 4 yr old is lovely, but very very demanding. I accidently found a way of keeping him in check, and that is, if he has a good day without any tantrums or trying to beat his sister up, he gets a big smiley face on his good boy chart on his bedroom door. If he's naughty - he gets a sad face. I reinforce this throughout the day, and lo and behold - he hates getting naughty faces!!! It's worked so well I now only have to threaten a naughty face and he behaves himself!

At the end of each week, if he has more naughty faces than good - he gets a treat. Obviously the idea being he ends up with smiley faces every day of the week!

Worked bloody wonders for me - give it a go if you don't think I'm too bonkers!

[sunnysideup]

sorry to hear things have been so stressful.
FWIW, I think your ds is picking up on some adult stuff here; your worries about where you live and the comparison between your ex's situation and yours, doing the lottery...tbh, I think most kids of six don't worry about this stuff, I think he is picking up on your dissatisfaction and that may be increasing his insecurity.

I think it's a case of putting on a hugely positive, brave face and finding the positive in where you are. I was brought up on a council estate and went to the rough local school but felt totally happy as a kid because my home was loving and happy....kids don't really judge the surroundings in the same way and they don't look forward like adults do to the future and wonder whether they will still be there in however many years!

Just go back to basics - you're lucky to have each other, lucky to have a roof over your head. That's all your kids really care about.

With your ds in particular, he is coming to an age where some people (like steve biddulph who wrote 'raising boys') say that fathers become really important to boys so some of his behaviour may possibly be down to that in some way.....

I would say he needs a strict routine to his day so he feels secure. Make sure your parenting is consistent with all of them as boys this age seem to HATE any perceived favouritism or unfairness, and though it's the last thing you feel like at the moment it's important to keep telling ds that you love him, and keep praising him up as much as you can.

Contact with his dad? Is it consistent? If not this really wants addressing.

Consistency and positivity are your keys here I think....though I do REALLY feel for you, it's soo hard doing this alone.

[icantcope]

Blossom - we were trying fish oils but it seems to have gone by the wayside, must start using those again.

Funki - we have tried pasta jar rewatd scheme, but he doesn't care enough about it to try and earn extra pieces, maybe I should give it another go.

Sunny - I do think you are right about consistency and routine, I do think this is the route I have to go down. I just find it so hard to get these things working properly. I've tried setting up some sort of timetable but invariably something goes wrong and it all falls apart, without another adult to back me up things quite often descend into chaos.

It is my fault really, I need to get on top of things for everyone's sake, I just don't know where to start.

[sunnysideup]

I don't wonder, it's so hard on your own. How many kids do you have? How old are they?

Could you get any help from sure start locally, I believe they can supply workers to help lone parents and they can work on things like routine and support you a bit...

[Elasticwoman]

When you hear from school about ds's behaviour, please don't take it as a criticism of you. The school wants to work together with you and could really help you. After all, the teacher knows your child, and has a vested interest in improving his behaviour. That's what you both want, isn't it? It is not the same as another parent complaining about him - the school wants to help you constructively.

I am sorry for you being a lone parent - I find it difficult enough to control my children even with the support of dh. Do you have any relationship at all with ex-p so that you can agree some strategies together? Just because you don't live together, doesn't necessarily mean you can't co-parent.

Sure-start is a vg idea, and is there a Family Centre in your area? I remember getting v helpful advice from one of those about potty training, many years ago.

[Elasticwoman]

ps Steve Biddulph has written a good book on raising boys.

[icantcope]

I've obviously given the wrong impression about ds at school, apart from the fact that he doesn't really concentrate, he is very quiet and no real problem for them. The issue is that he has been picked on by a few boys. He does get very upset at any slight injustice at him and when I saw the teacher, I was upset and they now think that he gets his highly sensitive trait from me.

I have asked my ex for help in the past but nothing is forthcoming and although he sticks to the contact arrangements religiously, he doesn't really put in any other effort. In fact, any request for help from me, is quite often thrown back in my face and used against me at the earliest opportunity.

I have 4 kids - 8, 6, 5 and 2. Probably totally given the game away who I am now, but I'm hiding from a friend who lurks more than anyone else.

I am waiting for homestart to come out and see me. I have had help from them in the past but unfortunately my volunteer hardly ever turned up and it wasn't a great help. There is a newly built family centre near me, I am currently seeing a counsellor there, there main interest is in the under 5's though, although I will keep my eyes open for any parenting courses they might run.

[Pitchounette]

Message withdrawn

[funkimummy]

Icantcope - I think you are absolutely marvellous for looking after 4 children on your own.

I have two, and they're both under 5 and hard enough!

You actually sound pretty positive in the things you are doing. Things will begin to improve wiht your son, it'll just take some time, especially seeing as things are all still a bit unsettled.

Do you have any other family members who can help out? Maybe someone who can look after the other three whilst you take DS 6 to the park for half an hour or so.

Don't be so hard on yourself anyway. You know better than the rest of us that it's all trial and error being a Mum!!

Have you spoken to the health visitor about son's behaviour?

Don't bash yourself up about rigid routines either. Kids like routine, and I'm sure yours have a routine - get up, go to school, have lunch, come home, have tea, get bathed etc? See got one already!
It's hard to keep everything on the straight and narrow all the time!!!! Relax and don't try so hard. it sounds like you need a little TLC yourself darlin!!

I tell you what - go on my website -www.funkijunkjewellery.co.uk and choose something from one of the ranges (perhaps not the bridal range tho!!) lol!! See something you like and I'll send it to you - my treat XX

[MejustMe]

icantcope,
I have an 8 yr old DS and he has major anger as his father and i are not together anymore,
difference is he only wants his father to want him....not a lot to ask really.
I know how you feel...it does make you feel like shit, All i can say is hold your head high, keep smiling and pray along with me that things improve

[duvet]

I have just finished reading 5 love languages of children by Ross Campbell (i think), it's really good and helps you get perspective of things again. I find reading a book not only relaxing but helps get back on track too with a plan of action. It cant be easy for you or your kids with the split etc.

I'm praying for you too.

[Elasticwoman]

Sorry I got hold of the wrong end of the stick, icc - but it's good news if he behaves himself at school, one less thing to worry about. I hope the bullying issue has been resolved and I don't think you have to be oversensitive to be upset about that. I had to deal with that one once when dd was 5 or 6 and I was surprised at how strong my feelings were on the subject!

It must be v hard work to have 4 children even if you have a partner, but at least the children have each other.

[tamz06]

Hi i have a 7 yr old daughter that has a really bad attiude to me her dad walked out 6yrs ago and then i had a son who is 2 and she will have days where she will be ok with him and then days where she will kick and slap him and be really nasty to him and to me what can i do to make things change please help

[Skribble]

Pasta jar might be a bit obscure and not totaly understood by some kids ( I haven't understood the concept of them yet ), sticker charts might be more obvious.

Any chance of giving him time on his own with you without other siblings, to make him feel more special. Could do baking, crafts, games or what ever.

[Elasticwoman]

Tamz06, have you spoken to your hv about this?

In the meantime, you can tackle it on 2 fronts:

1. make time to devote to your daughter on her own regularly - when ds is asleep or with his dad or playdate with other toddler (you may have to have other toddler round to play to reciprocate). In that time, talk, read, play, do an activity such as cooking - anything you might not tackle when ds is around.
   
   
2. make it clear to dd that slapping, kicking, indeed violence of any sort will not be tolerated and let her know what the consequence will be. Eg time out of some sort, loss of tv/computer/playstation time. Also insist she says sorry and gives him a hug.
   
   In our family I tell my children how lucky they are to have each other, and I believe it.

[tamz06]

Hi Elasticwoman thanks for your help i will try and c wat happens and i will book a appointment wiv hv thank u again

[icantcope]

Sorry i didn't come back to this thread, I really do appreciate everyone's advice. After reading the terrible news of ggg's loss, my thread felt stupid and insignificant and I didn't feel I could post again.