How to deal with a needy, controlling best friend?

(10 Posts)
BackToWorkIGo Tue 23-Feb-16 14:49:33

My dd is 10 and has had the same best friend since her first day at preschool. She has many other friends too.

The best friend comes from a complicated and chaotic home. I won't go into it but she's clearly very very much in need of reassurance and I suspect I don't know the half of what she's been through.
(She cries great it's time to leave a sleep over.... :-( she asks if she can live here.... All very difficult)

She sends dd card after handmade card - intricately decorated and covered in bff bff bff and then great declarations of love and requests that my dd will 'be with her through thick and thin'

Recently she's become besotted with several boys in her class and is trying to drag my dd along - she's genuinely not interested yet and finds it all rather odd. She gets regular text messages about 'not needing an immature boy' and 'wanting a real man' which is, surely bizarre at 10?

The selfies she's sending are deliberately heavily posed and not appropriate.

These are all her family's things to cope with and none of my business, so I've simply kept a keen eye on dds iPod communication and tried to keep things age appropriate at our end.

But it's getting hair raising now - last play date she spent 2 hours talking in an American accent, dry humping a pillar (!) , making insane truth or dare type demands and talking incessantly about which boys 'fancy' her. I had to wade in several times to stop her belittling dd2, which is new.

Worse, she's started demanding that my dd cuts off other friends because she 'hates ' them and sending pouty, moany videos via text if dd says anything along the lines of 'but she's my friend'.

A group of 6 girls were chatting online last week and it really kicked off - ddbf on the one hand sulking that dd wasn't exclusively talking to her, but then, frankly bitching about one girl abd asking others to join in.

It's rapidly got out of hand in the space of a month.

What do I do? She is dds best friend, but part of that comes from the fact that she is labelled it excessively and is showered with gifts daily that we have to take back because the poor girl is giving away all her personal possessions to try and win over my dd.

It all feels deeply troubling.

Can anyone help?

Pancakeflipper Tue 23-Feb-16 15:37:45

Oh that's worrying.
What are the teachers/deputy/head like at school?
if you have an ok relationship with them I would go and ask for a private word with one them about the social media stuff. And mention the overt sexuality that is being to occur. They very well have worries about her too. And they will no doubt have had social media stuff kick off before/.

Also keep monitoring and logging the events that worry you.

Does your DD have other friends and doing activities not with this friend?

BackToWorkIGo Tue 23-Feb-16 15:58:12

Hi - thank you for the reply - I'm grateful. She has several other friends who visit regularly and so far none of these bonds have been broken, but it doesn't bode well.

I daren't isolate dd from all social
Media - I think she would be genuinely an outcast but dear me, I wish it wasn't here so soon. It was harmless cat pictures a month ago!

I might well talk to the teacher - it's a good idea. I do wonder if I'm abdicating my responsibility if I don't do something myself that nips this in the bud.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Tue 23-Feb-16 16:02:30

TKe away the BF label - you are doing nobody any good with this reference - surprising how many kids feel they have to be NF because it's been labels that way - tell her she has to be a good friend to everybody

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Tue 23-Feb-16 16:05:29

Sorry interrupted - screen shot any evidence and take it to school - let them handle this their way -

Try and distance DD from this girl so it's not so full on and she relies on DD all the time - this girl also needs to extend her friendship groups but doesn't have to is DD is always there

BackToWorkIGo Tue 23-Feb-16 16:17:01

Thanks Sally - strong advice, you're quite correct of course. I'll screenshot the lot and take it in - I can't police this girl but someone needs to. I see no sign of any help from the parent.

SavoyCabbage Tue 23-Feb-16 16:19:05

There are two issues her. The first is the fact that the friend may be in need of some outside help with regard to her home life. I would make an appointment with the school to talk to them about that.

The second is the friendship with your dd. It's not healthy and it's not for your dd (or you) to be responsible for the friend or to feel pressure to be friends with her because of her home life.

Your dd should have other friends and other interests at this age. She needs to feel some freedom from this relationship and if this were my dd, I would be helping her get it.

Make sure she does things after school with different people. HVe a couple of months where you take her to all different after school activities to find something she likes
Roller skating
Climbing wall
Gymnastics
Ice hockey

Help her see other children out of school. Offer to drive her and a friend to the cinema or somewhere on a Saturday.

SavoyCabbage Tue 23-Feb-16 16:21:53

And yes to what Sally said about calling her dd's best friend. She needs lots of friends. From all different sources. This girls happiness and wellbeing can't be your dd's responsibility.

BackToWorkIGo Tue 23-Feb-16 16:33:50

Thanks savoy - I wish I the BF thing had never started - it's a label coming freon the girl rather than our end. Incessantly too. It feels rather like brain washing. She's 10 and regularly 'cared for' by her not much older sibling for long periods - I think she's horribly lonely. She's also bored to tears with unrestricted (time) access to the Internet, so spends hours watching dreadful YouTube nonsense. Scares the hell out of me.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Tue 23-Feb-16 17:10:30

Get rid of the BF label - start talking to DD about other friendships - she's nearing high school I presume - and start going out straight after school for a while - nans swimming another friend for tea - park - friends house - get them on board - libirary - make DD unavailable - change the wifi password and give DD a break (whoops internet broken)

Ask at school about DD joining lunchtime clubs - or helping around school - changing tables or work groups -

Lots you can do!!

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