What am I going to do? Every day we have a meltdown in our house.

[earlgrey]

dd1 is 8. Anything can set it off. I've called ParentlinePlus, who told me to 'phone my GP. The woman I spoke to was appreciative of the problem, but said to call back in the New Year.

Oh, God, it's nothing to do with food - to see dd2 with her head in her hands while it's going on is heartbreaking.

H says "If you hit me one more time, I'll hit you back". And he does, and I know that's the wrong way to go about it but frankly he's all I've got to help me now.

[earlgrey]

Anyone? She's about to wake up.

[lemonstartree]

what are the meltdowns about ?

can you tell us a bit more ? is she your only child?

[KTreePee]

Has she always been like this or has it started recently?

If recently, maybe her hormones are starting up for puberty...

If she has always been like this, maybe you and your dh could go on a parenting course to get some tips.... but basically you probably need to approach it like you would toddler tantrums, always be consistent, pick your fights, etc

[Sugarmagnolia]

Hi there. I'm not sure I understand exactly what the problem is. And who is hitting who?

[earlgrey]

LT and KT, nothing starts (as far as I'm aware) them off.

She's directed it to H, instead of me. I could have thought it was me being a bad parent, but dd2's not like it at all.

[earlgrey]

SM, it's dd1 who's hitting H, instead of me now.

[KTreePee]

Would I be way off the mark if I said things don't seem to be always great between you and your husband (notice you never refer to him as dh just h... and a couple of other threads have made me wonder - sorry if I'm way out of line bringing this up...). Is he the girls' father?

I know when I was a bit older than your dd my parents went through a bad patch, both grandfathers died close together, my dad was drinking a bit....it really affected my relationship with my dad. I was very angry with him a lot of the time.

[earlgrey]

KT, I so wondered if that might be it.

She has got little hairs growing there, and I haven't told her anything about puberty. Darker, longer hairs - ffs she's only 8 though

[HowTheFillyjonkStoleChristmas]

my kids are younger and tbh I have no idea.

can see why you would be at the end of your tether though. dd occasionally hits me and she's 18m, I know thats very different but I do have perhaps a small inkling of how horrible it is?

Whats she like at school? (am assuming she's at school!)

I think your family should be a priority for help here but dunno where. SS might help but are so overstretched.

[earlgrey]

KT, no, I wonered that too, and I don't think you'd be way off the mark.

I just wonder why it's not affecet dd2, too. They're 8 and 7, btw.

HTF, her teacher said her behaviou was absolutely fine.

[KTreePee]

EG I think you really need to look at sorting this out , with professional help if necessary. Don't know why one dd is like this and not the other, maybe your eldest is just a bit more mature and noticing things going on at home, maybe just different personalities.

I personally would be worried if my dh was hitting my dd on a regular basis (even if provoked).....

I also think if the parents are stressed it makes it harder to let things go when kids are playing up and small niggles can escalate into a full row - maybe if you and your husband could sort out your relationship it would improve things all round....

[earlgrey]

KT, I know, that's another story. XXX

[Kittypickle]

I was warned that there seem to be a lot of hormones flying round from Year 3 (which my DD is currently in) and it has been a bit of a funny term so far. Speaking to a few other people they have said you tend to get strange behaviour going on for year 3&4. All the girls in DD's year are falling out with each other daily at the moment. Are you sure that there aren't any problems with friendships ?

And I agree with KT, your DH hitting her is going to make her worse, I'd get that stopped straight away. And I would sit down with him and come up with a way of dealing with her behaviour until you get some professional advice, that you both agree with and will stick to, so whatever you are doing she sees you united on this front. I think ringing your GP to get some help with this after Christmas is a good idea. Meanwhile can you take her off somewhere for a few hours to do something as a bit of a treat, then try to get her to open up about what she's thinking at the moment ? And I would start to explain a bit about puberty, if her body feels a bit strange and she doesn't understand what's going on, I think it might stress her a bit.

[juuule]

Just a suggestion why it might not appear to be affecting your dd2. While dd1 is doing the fighting for both of your dds then dd2 doesn't need to do anything but support dd1. In fact if she is frightened by what is going on then she is more likely to be quiet and agreeable to everyone and basically keep her head down and hope the storm will pass her by.
Your H should NOT be hitting your dd1 under any circumstances.
As others have said you need to get help with this situation. Go to your GP and see what is suggested there.
In the meantime speak to your dd when she is calmer and ask her how she feels and what she thinks is going on and how she thinks things could be made better.

[HowTheFillyjonkStoleChristmas]

agree juule

though have feck all idea about 8 yo girls

but think you deserve some support from a profesisonal here

[earlgrey]

KP, there are definatly problems with friendships this term. Anna befriended - 2 years ago - a child that had come over from Prague.

Next step thing, another child (who dd used to be best friends with) has been the bossiest on earth - to the extent of wanting to be Angel Gabriel's 'helper' on the big day.

DD2 has found another friend who's just started school, from Poland, and although they can't speak a word together, and seem to get on fine, I think dd1 misses her initial chum. For all it's worth she was the one that befriended her while she was trying to learn English.

She is there, I know it, on the puberty front. Relationship with H is rocky, to say the least.

At the end of he day, dd1 is the most loving child ever. She just has these moments, and I don't know how to deal with them.

[KTreePee]

Probably won't be on MN again until after Christmas but I hope you all have a good Christmas without any rows!

[emsiewill]

earlgrey, I can so empathise with you. I have posted many threads over the last 5 years about my dd1 and her terrible temper / meltdowns / tantrums (call them what you want). In fact, only last night I posted this thread about last night's meltdown. Or you can do a search on my name and see what I'm talking about. I, too, have a dd2 (also 7) who just stays quiet and looks worried when dd1 kicks off, and often tries to mediate...

I am lucky in that my dh is 'onside' with me, and we can present a united front. Mostly her violence is directed towards me though. I think it's because we are so similar, and I find it hard to walk away...

dd1 is nearly 10, and I am convinced that her meltdowns are partly hormonal (but she is 2 years older than your dd, so not quite so disconcerting).

I don't really have many words of wisdom to offer. What I have learnt the hard way is:

• walking away is the best way to deal with it - gives me and her time to calm down

• if I get physical with her (not hitting / smacking, which I don't do if I can help it; I'm talking about things like trying to restrain her), it enrages her even more, and makes the situation escalate

• we have talked about things when we are both calm, and talked about how she should deal with her temper. Not really made much progress on this one - it's really hard for her to stop and think when it comes on.

As I say, I don't know whether I can offer much helpful advice, but it has been good for me to know i'm not alone, and I hope it helps you.

People outside the family look at me as if I'm mad when I tell them she has such a strong temper - at school she is a model pupil, she is polite and well behaved everywhere...I guess she feels 'safe' to let go with us.

She is in yr5, but dd2 is in yr3, and I, too, have been told that it is a 'funny' year for girls - indeed our school has brought in a programme of extra pastoral care for the yr3 girls this year.

Feel free to keep talking with me - us mums of strong willed daughters need to stick together!

[sunnysideup]

lots of good advice here and I wanted to add that your relationship with your husband is going to be really important here. I think next year prioritise sorting that out, and an awful lot will follow.

not least that you may be able to, as emsie says, present a united front to your dd, which helps HUGELY. And your husband will hopefully be able to stop hitting her - at the moment she is able to 'bait' him like she would an older brother; he needs to be able to step up next to you and be seen to be adult. Your dds will respect him SO much more.

Best of luck, I really think you and your H are the key here - and you deserve for things to feel better than they do now.

[Harkthefubsyangelssing]

I wish some of the dads could have discussions like this. My 5 year old DD also has meltdowns, less frequently than she used to, but had one this week. But DP (her Dad) seems to think that just telling her to stop should work, and then gets really wound up if she doesnt - which of course is usually the case. He thinks shes defiant - Ive told him that he hasnt seen defiant, and I have - or takes it personally that shes ignoring him. Sometimes its like having two 5 year olds in the house.

How can we get some of these dads to see that their children are not unusual, but that there are ways to manage them?

[earlgrey]

Thanks so much for those posts - it's made me feel I'm not completely alone in this.

KP, I'm almost certain the friendship thing has something to do with it. As does my relationship with H.

juuule, I know that, not meaning to slam you down but there's nothing else we can do at the mo.

Anyhow, thanks for all your advice.

emsie, can I CAT you?

Happy Christmas, [fhmmm] OK, it didn't work, but you know what I mean!

[emsiewill]

earlgrey, of course you can CAT me. If I can help, or if we can help each other by having someone to moan to who understands, then that will be great.

Were you really up that early, by the way? Or are you in another time zone?

Happy Christmas, hope your day is going OK. We had what I thought was going to be the start of a kick off this morning, but dd managed to control it, and I managed not to exacerbate it...so far, so good!

[earlgrey]

emsiewill, I tried to use the CAT facility but it wouldn't let me. Just off to find my email confirming I did pay!

And I was up that effing early, it gives me a bit of 'me' time to MN and to be me!