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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

If this phase lasts much longer I'm calling social services myself.

23 replies

choosyfloosy · 20/12/2006 00:01

There's a big sign up in our house saying 'End of Tether This Way.'. I'm sitting on such a load of fury and I'm not sure how to control it. I'm so close to hitting ds so often, I'm terrified.

Has anyone ever actually contacted social services themselves for help?

ds is 2.11 and an absolute sodding nightmare at bedtime at the moment. He's completely rejecting bathtime and it sounds daft but I'm not sure what the minimum amount of washing for physical health is! - where should I draw the line? He seems to have a thing about the bathroom itself - i tried just a standup wash in his bedroom but ended up with poo and wee everywhere which is normally not him at all. He knows that if he shouts and screams enough either me or dh will crack, so he tries it with absolutely everything. I make lots of battles when I shouldn't, and dh is much better at not doing so, but IMO lets himself be got round too often. He's also pretty hard work in the morning.

This has all come to a head since dh went missing for five days, but I do think it's more about me being tired and stressed than ds being insecure, not sure though.

I'm so petrified of hurting him, he is such a trial at the moment. My poor ds.

sorry this is so long.

OP posts:

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Tortington · 20/12/2006 00:36

i did when my son was a teenager - came to nought.

my first instinct is to ask HV

if nothing else hope this serves as a bump for you

choosyfloosy · 20/12/2006 00:37

thanks custy

OP posts:

Tortington · 20/12/2006 00:41

your more than welcome

Kristingle · 20/12/2006 01:04

choosy - dont contact social services. they will either do nothing or be a pain in teh a* to you and your family. you dont need more stress now. if you really feel you need outside help try one of the charities than work with young families. Tell them you are under stress becuase of Dh's health ( or whatever). DONT say you are scared you are going to hit DS.

The minimal amount of washing for a 2yo is much less than you think. if he is still in nappies then you need to keep his bits clean. The rest of him will probably be fine for a while with washing. you coudl always take him swimming once a week

you knwo yourself - you need to not sweat over teh small stuff. like what he wears or washing hair. I know its easier said than done but try not to get into control battles with him

we have a 2.7 Ds and I could cheerfully kill him sometimes. he has battles over food and going to bed. i tried to sell him on ebay but got no bids

VeniVidiVickiQV · 20/12/2006 01:29

What have you tried to deal with this? Is it just bathtime/washing/dressing?

Does he like strict routines/everything to be the same?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 20/12/2006 01:37

I think - for Christmas - you need to get him a really fun big bright colourful bath toy.

Maybe something that he can splash you and DH with and you collapse in mock shock when squirted.

Maybe even take him with you to buy it. Explain what its for. When you get it - ask him where in the bathroom he wants to keep it. Suggest trying it out there and then....doesnt matter what time of day he has a bath - or shower??? Make it as fun as possible. Dont worry about soap or washing. Give it some time to get used to the fun bit.

Bed time. In the hours leading up to bed time - keep explaining the bedtime routine ie

"DS - after dinner we are going to give you your warm milk/whatever and then we are going to go upstairs.

When we get upstairs, you can pick what pyjamas you want to wear and then we will get you changed. If you do that nicely - Dadddy will read you a story when you get in bed.

When you have your pyjamas on, then we will brush your teeth.

Then we will put you in bed and Daddy will read you a story if you are good, then, we will count to ten for a cuddle, and sing Twinkle Twinkle/whatever. Then you will stay in bed and go to sleep"

Obviously abbreviate it to suit, and adjust depending on what you do, but keep reiterating it throughout the afternoon adn evening.

Try and remain calm (difficult I know), but make the cues for certain routines/procedures - fun - but pronounced - like going up to choose the pyjamas is the cue to start getting ready for bed, counting 10 elephants for a cuddle (to stop "one more cuddle mummy" etc), and then Twinkle Twinkle as the cue that you are about to leave the room.

juuule · 20/12/2006 07:43

I wouldn't worry too much about the bath thing.
At bedtime would it be a problem for you to let him fall asleep on the settee and carry him up when he nods off? We have done this and it's less hassle all round.

LRWG · 20/12/2006 07:55

Choosy - contact HomeStart - fantastic charity who help out families in a variety of ways. Their website is www.home-start.org.uk

I really cannot recommend them enough. They have helped me - and still are helping me - through PND. They don't interfere - they offer you different levels of support and you can take up what you want!

Good luck, am thinking of you!

colditz · 20/12/2006 08:00

Let him watch you or daddy have a bath, but tell him firmly first that he is NOT having one today, in fact is Not allowed to have one today.

Agree that SS would be spectacularly unhelpful.

You need some child free time to yourself, why don't you see if you can get him into nursery a bit? It would be worth the money!

pantomimEdam · 20/12/2006 08:01

Not surprised you are at the end of your tether, anyone would be with what you've been through. I wouldn't rule out ds being disturbed by it either, he must have picked up on all the anxiety. Maybe he's pushing you to see if you (both) still love him even when he's horrid? Agree with contacting Homestart rather than social services as a starting point.

LemonTart · 20/12/2006 08:17

choosy - you have been through so much. Is there any family or friends who can help you out? Sounds like you need a bit of time off for yourself to wind down, relax etc and then get back to coping with your toddler. He and you both need you to be healthy, relaxed and able to be there emotionaly for you both, Give yourselves a break and have time out.
He sounds pretty normal to me tbh, just prbably feels thousand times worse atm as you are feeling so low. I know when I feel crap, the tiniest misbehaviour from mine seems like they have turned into devils, poor girls Both mine went through anti bath phases, never worked out why (despite plenty of hours wasted "analysing" it - are they frightened/delaying bedtime/exerting authoritiy over me/just being difficult blah blah Also been there with the poo on the carpet thing! DD2 will poo when angry or stressed (3) and has little control over it..
Get some time out apart and then recharge so you can both get some time back together. If all fails and you have no-one who can have him for an hour, I would even consider a creche in a shopping mall/leisure centre/soft play centre where you can watch and have a cuppa while he plays.
Good luck xxx

Jimjams2 · 20/12/2006 09:18

I wouldn't bother with SS - we get support from them (disabled child) but it took over a year to organise and was stress in itself. Still is! You would be better off invetigating behaviour support teams, pre-school advisory or even clinical psychology (long wait for that though). If you see your HV,or nursery if your ds goes to one- they should be able to refer you to behaviour support or pre-school advisory (pre-school advisory may just work in nurseries am not sure). My friend saw behaviour support and was referred onto clinical psychology through them- it was helpful.

Chandra · 20/12/2006 09:33

The only thing that I can add to this thread is that maybe you have one of those children who react badly to see a parent get angry.

DS just finds it hilarious, as soon as he perceives a change in our tone of voice that indicates we are getting annoyed things get far worse.

In the short term, the book by Super Nanny have good, easy to follow, basic advice.

HTH

deckthehillswithboughsofmummy · 20/12/2006 09:35

Try asking your hv if you have support any childminders in the area sometimes you can get 13 weeks of up to 15 hrs per week respite care if you have a difficult situation.

deckthehillswithboughsofmummy · 20/12/2006 09:36

that should by any support childminders

drosophila · 20/12/2006 09:41

Had this with both DC and still do a bit with dd. What worked with DS was using a big bowl I had that I used for wet laundry in the kitchen and then in the bathroom and then suddenly one day after months he wanted a bath.

I took DD into the bath with me and she was nervous but stayed there. I kept it very brief. DOn't worry about the lack of bathing DS hardly ever had a bath.

TinsellyRhino · 20/12/2006 09:45

Haven't read all the answers but in answer to the OP

I have asked Social Sevices fro help myself and to be honest I wouldn't bother. I was in a complete mess, not washing the kids, screming at them, forgetting to feed them and completely losing the plot in my head.

Ut took them 6 months to give me the family worker they promised me and now she comes once a wekk to sit on the couch and do sod all. She was supposed to help me find some routines to help me get the house into a usable state and strategies to help me deal with the kids. She basically sits there talkiong about the weather.

On the other hand I would reccommend talking to your HV. know that alot of HV's are shite but hopefully you have a good one. Mine is excellent and she arranged for funded childcare places fro dd2 and an after school club for dd1 so they were getting stimulated outside of the home environmentr and I was getting a break (SS said they would sort it but didn't so HV stepped in to help me)
she also has started visiting me regularly, sorted out a counsellor for me and another HV to come and help me practically, with the cleaning and sorting of clutter and establishing routines, for 2 hours a weeks.
All this should have been done by SS but after 5 months of wauting my HV could see that I was near to breaking and stepped in to see if she culd help. I couldn't have coped without her. I don't put much faith in SS but there are others ways to get help and I think you should try those

Hope things get alot better for you soon

Oh and BTW I actually contacted SS saying that I was scared I was going to hurt my children..... you would have thought they would have been in a more of a hurry to help me wouldn't you?

busybusymum · 20/12/2006 09:58

Dont worry about the bathing issue, I had a friend who had very limited hot water for over a month and the kids didnt have a bath in that time. (and you wouldnt have known if she hadnt gone around telling everyone)

Try and get some toys for the bath, it doesnt have to be toys labelled as bath toys, my DS used to have an action man (which we kept in the bathroom just for bathtime) some plastic animals and a tea set.

Also let him pick a bottle of bubble bath (like matey if possible as it looks fun) and let him put the bubbles in.

If you can manage to get him in the bath dont worry about washing any part of him, just let him play and splash about if he wants.

If my DC arent in the mood for a bath I promise them that we will light one of mummies special candles, obviously under very close supervising and out of reach and they love it.

I have the opposite problem to you now, its getting them out that the difficult bit

sunnysideup · 20/12/2006 10:07

choosy, I would second the suggestion to contact homestart, they should be able to help you.

From your post it sounds like the adult stuff in your house has been pretty horrible lately - your ds seems to be doing the classic thing that children do of 'acting out' the stress that they feel in the house. Doesn't make it easier to cope with I know but it does explain where he's coming from....

I also agree, don't bother with washing at the moment, so long as he's not getting sore bottoms then he can be as unwashed as you like I reckon!

It's just a case of breaking this negative cycle that things are in at the moment and I hope someone from Homestart could help here.

I thought VVV's post was brilliant, it should really help to go right back to basics with him and explain what will happen next with his routine so he knows where he is, and so that the nice bits like stories will come if he complies with getting ready for bed, etc....

deckthehillswithboughsofmummy · 20/12/2006 10:18

My homestart volunteer is rubbish, she hardly ever turns up and then just sits there bitching about dtuff not related to me which is why my hv has stepped in and got a support childminder for us. I have to call and speak to the cildminder today to sort it all out. I will be able to have 1 day to try and get ontop of the hswrk etc and 1 day to relax a bit iyswim.

steffy1 · 20/12/2006 10:34

havent read the whole thread

has your local sure start/childrens centre got community nursery nurses?
mine helped me tons when everything was difficult.

good luck

singsalot · 20/12/2006 10:52

hello

I hope you are finding a way through this, it is so hard to deal with a defiant toddler, my ds is so strong and nappy struggles can be bloody hard work, trying to avoid flying feet etc, I tell my ds a couple of minutes before we do something, e.g time to pour a bath, stopped washing his hair more than once a week, dh takes him in the bath sometimes and lets ds wash his hair, well pour water over daddy, he now loves a bath, though through the summer we gave up and just bathed him in a plastic box

when I get too angry with ds I just have to leave him, in his room, out in the hall, or get outside for a walk, it is distraction or exclusion here, not "naughty step" exactly but similar

I know it is not for everyone but I started taking rescue remedy too, which I think was good for my mind even if it didn't work it distracted me and got me to recognise and try and deal with my anger, still am a bit of a grumpy mummy

please don't give yourself a hard time, you remember the good points of the day with your ds and try and get some extra cuddles in the day, that can help too

choosyfloosy · 20/12/2006 13:14

so amazing to have so many responses. i'm going to print this off and have a good read through

we all ended up oversleeping this morning - a good break in itself

it's a blanche dubois moment - thank you

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