Five year old says "nobody would play with me today"

[shinymonkey]

Evening! Sorry about the long post! I've been sat here mulling things over for a while...

So, I've lost count of the number of times I've had a conversation with my 5YO along the lines of..."I couldn't find my friends to play with, or so and so wouldn't let me play they kept running away from me" my response: did you look for them? Did you find someone else to play with? "No, I was just all alone" Oh dear, heart sinking, things like this really hurt and I don't know how to help him without wading in to the teacher!

My DS started school in September and has had a great time, plays with lots of children and knew of them as they attended nursery together. We did a whole class birthday party and he has had lots of return invites etc. As his first term progressed he had a few trials with some of the boys in his class...hitting, pushing, excluding, running away or changing game rules in the middle so he'll lose etc. Nothing too serious or violent and I mentioned it to his teacher, the message was they have a large group of boys in his class who dominate and whose behaviour is less than desirable. They are working on it. I do expect this sort of thing..they're tiny little people and they're all learning. But of course, my priority is how it affects my dear one.

He's quite different to other children, he's sharp as a button and full of empathy, he tries a bit too hard to be a clown, the girls love to play with him because he's imaginative and articulate. I sometimes wonder if he's a bit of a round peg? The boys in his class seem like normal five year olds to me, very nice parents and homes etc. and a whole mix of personalities. Things they do and say really upset him, he's up late worrying and when he does eventually tell me what's bothering him is very teary about it. The other boys seem quite sporty and enjoy mischief. There is a friendship triangle between himself and two of them, but the naughty behaviour and giggles at other's expense are winning out and my DS is losing out. He's the opposite of your stereotypical bullied child so I'm surprised to be having this trouble...

I generally go through the details of what happened and try to pick apart what happened and make practical suggestions. When it comes to making friendships I am at a loss to advise him? When you pick apart how children make friends it's a mystery to me!

I would do play dates and will in the future but I am currently heavily pregnant and unable to walk! With a two year old and a building site house, I have no energy/ practical resources for play dates on top. Does anyone have any advice about how to react to your child's worries? What to do about friendship issues in general? - I would hate to be the mum always in the class with teacher telling them "they're being cruel to my baby!" I said to myself if it carries on for a long time I'll raise more concern with his teacher.

[Inkymess]

We have been through all of this as have lots of others. Chat to his teacher. I asked about my DD and it was monitored - she actually played with lots of others fleetingly. Lots of the 'no one will play with me' was about the particular game she wanted to play. Luckily ours is a big school so they can find people from other classes. Our teachers did lots of stuff with them about friendship and playing with everyone which worked wonders.

[shinymonkey]

Thanks Inky mess :o)

[DesertOrDessert]

My YR child says the same. I think in our case it is more "I can't exactly remember" or, as Inky mentions not precisely what they wanted to play. When I take him in in the mornings, he runs up to other kids, and plays happily. I've also seen him on occasion with 2 very close friends playing beautifully.

I'd drop a note in the reading diary or similar just saying "DS1 claims he's playing with no one, can someone please check he's not all alone all break"

[BeeMyBaby]

I agree with talk to the teacher. Dd1 was in a similar situation for two months this year in her friendship triangle, they just froze her out and forbade her from playing with other children basically. After they eventually sorted it out themselves I mentioned it to the teacher and it turns out she was completely unaware, I wish I had mentioned it sooner as I could have saved a whole lot of tears for my DD.

[Inkymess]

I agree that it's best to mention it early just in case. Yr R is a lot about finding out about friendships and where they fit in. In our class there were a few dominant girls and boys who bossed others about too, so the teacher helped sort that too. She didn't realise until a couple of parents gently mentioned concerns about the playground

[shinymonkey]

Hi all, thanks for the advice :o) I mentioned it to his teacher this morning, and she has had a talk to the whole class about making friends, being kind to each other etc, what to do if you haven't got someone to play with. One of the TA's also sounded him out about friends he would like to play with and observed him at playtimes to make sure he was joining in. Couldn't really ask for more could I!? So glad I spoke to her to keep her in the loop before it became a bigger problem.

[Buttwing]

Our school has a friendship stop in the playground. If anyone doesn't have anyone to play with the go and stand next to it (it's like a bus stop sign on the wall) and someone will come over and play with them. I think it's a lovely idea and apparently the kids really do invite them to join in. In the worst case at least a teacher could see if a child is on their own and wants to play. Maybe you could suggest introducing on at your school?

[Katarzyna79]

Our last brilliant school had playground buddy table. Anyone spotted alone paired up with them. Suggest it to ur school.

[Loveleopardprint]

Something I do with my kids when they are having a tough time at school is ask them what the best bit of their day was. It focuses on the positive rather than negative. Still do this now and they are 16/13. The nice thing is that they now ask me what my best bit was too!

[amarmai]

better for the teacher to nip it in the bud=speak up now.