Nursery have concerns about social development

[OhNoWhatAmIGoingToDoNow]

I'm sat here in tears. They want to have a meeting to discuss this. I want to hold DS tight to me and never let him out of my sight again :(

[Buttercup27]

Please don't worry too much (I say this as a parent going through very similar and as a teacher who specialises in eyfs).
Everything nursery will do will be to support your ds. Everything that is put in place will help when he starts school.
Just because they have concerns doesn't mean they will leap into labelling him. He may just need more time or minor interventions.
It's very scary (even for me who knows the procedures well and have had many of these conversations but from a professional pov).

[Jackiebrambles]

Don't panic. It's good that they are being proactive. How old is he?

[OhNoWhatAmIGoingToDoNow]

He's 2.5. Both DH and I are autistic. DS is so happy and chatty and out going I thought he'd dodged the bullet. Now I'm terrified that he hasn't. I don't want him to suffer like I have.

[StarfrightMcFangsie]

OP, have you had your meeting with the school yet? Does the school know there is a history of autism in the family?

[MissTriggs]

but did you or your DH get useful support from 2.5 onwards? I'm guessing not....

[OhNoWhatAmIGoingToDoNow]

No not had the meeting yet. It's on Monday. Apparently the headteacher is also attending, so not just an informal chat type thing then.

Yes the school do know that I have autism. They are so nice and supportive and go out of their way to make sure I know what's going on. I have no doubt that whatever the issue DS is in the very best place he could be.

MissTriggs I got no support in school as I wasn't diagnosed until my 30s. DH doesn't officially have an autism diagnosis because he was assessed in the 1970s. He was diagnosed with 'an as yet unidentified developmental disorder', . He received a lot of support from an academic perspective but none from a social perspective.

[MissTriggs]

Well with the right support suffering is not an inevitable part of being on the spectrum.
Of course even with a great school most of that support will come from you/dh so you need to try to avoid making predications/having reactions that are based on your own experience.
This, I know from bitter experience, is easier said than done. But his path isn't yours even if he is on the spectrum. There is potential for his to be a happier and easier one. I look at my brother and my son and I see how much of my brother's suffering could have been avoided.......:( but :) too.
good luck xx

[ItsAllGoingToBeFine]

Honestly, it may well be nothing (it was in my DDs case).

If it is something it is great they have picked it up and can start the process of getting extra help early on.

[MissTriggs]

"I want to hold DS tight to me and never let him out of my sight again "

this brings back memories. I wanted to relocate my nuclear family to the top of the mountain outside our town and just stay there together.

anyway, whilst it is an extraordinary bonding experience to hear DS2 explain sensory experiences and think "oh my goodness that was me!" it's also a real discipline to wake up each morning and say "I'm lucky I have some insight but he's not me, he's not my brother, his story isn't written".

[HopLittleBunny]

OhNo I'm going to try and say this gently and tactfully, but that isn't a forte of mine, so please bear with me and try to take this with the good wishes it is intended with.

Your DS may be NT, he may not. Its too early to definitively tell right now. I suspect that you have been keeping an eagle eye for 'signs' because of your and your DP's history, so you are best placed to know if there is likely to be any medical justification for assessment.

But this isn't assessment. Not yet, and it may never need to be. This is discussing potential intervention and a bit of extra help. Lots of kids benefit from a bit of early intervention, and the vast majority never need anything further than that. This isn't necessarily the start of a lifetime of difficulties for your son.

All that said, I do think you should seriously consider grabbing any and all early help that is offered (this is where the lack of tact may come in, sorry).

Your son may well be picking up social difficulties from your partner and you. In the same way that he's picked up your accent, your turns of phrase, the family terms ('doofah' for TV remote, that sort of thing). That's not a bad thing, any more than the accent or anything else (apart from maybe 'doofah', any fool knows it is a telly bug ) but it does mean that your son may benefit from a bit of more focused work on his socialisation skills to help counter what he is picking up intellectually from you and allow his innate skills to come through.

I'm trying really hard to make sure it doesn't sound like I'm saying this is your fault, because it isn't. Its one of those things. Some kids inherit a double crown, some get wonky teeth, some get social processing difficulties. It is what it is, but teaching coping strategies to a kid with a social processing issue is a hell of a lot easier than changing a double crown, and cheaper than fixing wonky teeth.

Both DP and I are at the milder end of HFA and have social difficulties. Our DS so far appears to be completely NT, but when he first started nursery, they flagged a few of his quirks as potential indicators of HFA. His quirks were family quirks he had picked up by copying the behaviour modelled by me and DP. Nursery incorporated a bit of extra social situation work in their group sessions, so DS wasn't singled out at all, but it just gave him that little bit of an extra nudge in the 'right' direction towards societal norms.

We are now about a year on from that first quiet word that nursery had with me. I dropped him off this afternoon and almost tripped over all the kids who came over and mobbed him, wanting him to play with them. He has some quirks still, but they are just one facet of his personality, not an overwhelming difficulty for him to surpass.

[OhNoWhatAmIGoingToDoNow]

I understand what you're saying. That's was one of the main reasons behind him going to nursery from when he was 1. I wanted him to be able to socialise in a way that he wouldn't be able to if he stayed home.

Now I've got over the initial shock I can think clearer. I do not believe he's autistic at all. I don't see any traits of autism in him (and I think I'm fairly well informed). Quite the opposite. He's very charismatic and can charm birds out of trees when he wants to. My gut instinct is that any difficulty he's having is because I think he's hyperlexic and also the other children don't speak English (we're not in the UK).

But I'll see what the school say and take any support they offer.