2.5 yo keeps taking clothes off - outside!

[Moomin]

My friend is at her wit's end woth her 2.5yo dd who has started taking her clothes off when they go out. Getting her to put clothes on is a struggle in the first place with lots of negotiation and cajoling needed. She is very strong-minded about what clothes she will and won't wear anywaqy. And now she has started taking items of clothing off when they get outside on their way to somewhere. My friend knows her dd is doing it as a control thing (she often makes sure her mum is looking and laughs when she does it) but will have a huge ab-dab if she's challenged (screaming, crying until she's sick, etc).

They've had to go back home a couple of times as she can't go to wherever they're off to in just her vest. My friend is 6m preg and feeling very tired and worn out and has been in tears a number of times in the lst few weeks about it all.

Anyone got any experience / advice?

[mrspoppins]

Right...Firstly, no negotiation ever with a young child. You are asking them to do something because it is necessary not because you fancy it! Once they realise that they have this powerful position, you are making life difficult for both of you as children like to have an adult in charge. Bounderies are what makes a child happy...you rarely see tantrums over such basic things with children who know who is in charge and consequently those children spend less time crying and more time being smiley.

This would be my plan...it may take up to two weeks but your friend needs to allow time for this and rearrange her days accordingly.All days must be kept free of commitments that can't be broken or she must have friends on stand by to come over and stay with her daughter if necessary so she can go somewhere.

1. All negotiation stops immediately over everything...that is mealtimes, bed, dressing, toys being cleared away etc...Mum and Dad are the bosses. Reasons are given for why something should be done but no apologies or bribes given...Say, " We are going to get dressed now so that we can get on with our day. We may be able to go to the park later if we have time. That will be fun!" ...or some such thing. You have not said..."We will go to the park if you are good"...you have stated it will be if there is time. That is in your control...not hers.
   
   It is vital this is in every area of the child's life.It is key! She needs those secure bounderies and to have the responsibility taken away from her to have to make the decisions over her behaviour.
   
   
   
2. In the evening before bed, offer a choice of a couple of items of clothing to wear the next day. You decide on the jeans or skirt etc... but she can choose the top..but only from a choice of two that you have made. Any more is too much for her to take in.
   
   
3. lay everything out nicely. Put it on a special hanger perhaps and then they are her next day's clothes. Decision made. Give masses of praise for choosing so well etc...
   
   
4. Prepare a chart...one sticker for every item put on nicely...a huge sticker if all items are put on at the end.Let her help with the making of this chart and explain what it is for and how it will work, Let her choose the stickers she will use. Decide that if 2 days (initially) are done well, she may have a treat...it could be a magazine or felt tips etc...not expensive stuff...a few crayons bundles together with a bit of ribbon would be great.This gift is wrapped ready for her and she sees it being wrapped knowing when she will get it.
   
   That is getting dressed in the morning sorted.
   
   PRAISE PRAISE PRAISE when you have a good morning. Lots of cuddles and kisses. What a clever girl...etc... NOT " see how nice it is when you are good" or another favourite " this is making Mummy happy" That gives control back to her, not you.
   
   Now for getting undressed...Don't take her out until you have done this for a couple of days inside. Play in the garden instead.
   
   
5. Ignore the fact that she has undressed in the house.Simply pick up the items of clothing and calmly say, I'll pop these back on the hanger for you. When you need them, let me know and I'll help you pop them back on.Don't raise your voice or show annoyance or humour. You must be casual and then carry on with whatever you were doing.
   
   She wants a reaction...don't give it to her.
   
   Don't praise her either for putting her clothes back on. Simply help matter of factly and then carry on with what you were doing before.
   
   OUTSIDE..The most obvious thing to do is to put on clothing she cannot easily remove. tight buttons too difficult for little fingers...no overly loose clothing that can be pulled down etc...Don't put on hats and gloves for a while. These are too easy and she will use them to throw off. Likewise shoes...laces are better...velcro is easy to remove as are wellies etc...
   
   Give a sticker on her clothing when she comes back home if she remains dressed and tell her that you are proud of her.
   
   If she undresses whilst out,you need to not react and simply let her do it with no discussion at all. This will be almost impossible for you but it will only need to be done once or twice as she will not bother if she receives no reward from you in the way of attention. Make sure that you are round at a friend's house playing outside for the first trip out and keep trips out very short for the first few times until the habit is broken.
   
   NEVER NEVER react. Seem calm and undisturbed to ANY behaviour that you don't want.
   
   ALWAYS ALWAYS react positively to any kind of behaviour that you DO want. Smiles, kisses cuddles..." aren't you a good girl" " what a lovely time we're having" " who is proud of you....MUMMY!!!" etc...
   
   
   Finally, She needs to know that she is not in charge of anything.She will only learn that if you are consistant. Every time you are not and give in, you will have undone all of the good you had achieved and are starting back at the beginning again.SO DON'T DO IT!!!!
   
   As she gets older, you introduce responsibility but not until she is mature enough to accept it.
   
   Sorry this is a long post....but there is no quick answer!!
   
   xxKaren

[COPPERfeelunderSantasTOP]

Just as a different perspective, are there any particular kinds of material that your friend's dd doesn't like wearing? I ask because ds2 was always a nightmare when it came to being dressed and if he was ever angry about something he would strip off. It turned out that he had sensitive skin and didn't like the way certain clothes felt, eg woollen clothes, clothes with itchy labels etc. Even now he still hates wearing clothes with long sleeves, particularly jumpers. I'm not suggesting for a single second that your friend's dd is anywhere on the autistic spectrum like ds2 is but a lot of NT children have a similar sensory problem with clothes. If it's a sensory problem then there are various things that your friend could try.

[terramum]

Maybe she is hot! How many layers & what kinds of clothes is she being dressed in. DS often strips off his coat, hat & gloves after hes been running about for a bit, just as I do after Ive walked up the big hill to the shops! He has always been a hot bod - only ever wearing a t shirt & cardigan even in the winter . He will often refuse to put his coat on until he is actually outside (because its far too hot to wear it inside - kids logic! )

I find letting DS choose what he wears (even if we have to go through his entire wardrobe ...which takes a while ) helps. He only wears clothes when we go out so maybe that helps as well - he knows if he is going out he has to put clothes on! Putting him in similar clothes to me & DH helps as well - "Dont you want to wear jeans like mummy" etc makes getting dressed a little quicker. Weve started putting our pjs on when he gets ready for bed to persuade him that putting his on (so he doesnt wake up cold half way through the night) would be a good idea!

[hannahsaunt]

I'm really impressed with the phrase - "we'll go out to the park if we have time, not if you are good so that control remains with the parent and not the child".

I think I need to remember that one for future use.

[mrspoppins]

Tee Hee !!!!!