My daughter has just started secondary school and has always been hard work but, lately, she has shown some very challenging behaviour. I'll give you an example, which is just the tip of the iceberg, reallly - yesterday, she'd been out all day with neighbours and then decided that, just for fun, she'd spit at her 6 yr old brother. This is the fourth time she has done this this week. The first 3 x, I did not overreact but made it clear to her that it was wrong and that it was disgusting and did deliver a consequence (no friends from school back until behaviour improves).
However, the fourth time, I did react big time and, to cut a long story short, I told her to spend the rest of the evening in her room and to keep out of my sight. The problem is that, every time I try to punish her she resists. If I send her to her room, she won't go and will just sit there defiantly, if I take her ipad away, she'll fire up the computer, etc, etc. It's as if she's letting us know she is staying in control. I find punishments counterproductive but even if I try to balance things with positive praise when being good, it doesn't actually impact on the bad behaviour. And, even when she is good and doing what she should be doing, she seems to need constant attention.
I know some of it is stress related. She admits that she is worried about the work - she fell very behind at the last school and there was some teasing going on - but the school are aware of this and are being v supportive and they are letting her know that, too. She has very quickly made a set of new friends. Her teachers say she is one of the popular ones and appears very confident but I told them she remains very insecure about not being one the brighter ones and feels judged by that fact. I believe there were kids like that at her school but she'd blown it up in her head as everyone.
My husband and I find it difficult to agree on the right approach, which I know is common. I've always thought he was overly harsh and he has always thought I was overly soft. Now I'm beginning to see what he means...
The main flashpoints are when I am busy with something - usually when I am trying to cook or have a shower and it is always directed at her brother. It is honestly like having a three year old in that I still cannot leave her in a room on her own and I am finding it beyond frustrating. It sounds like a new teenage stage but, tbh, she is very, very immature for her age and is the size of and eight year old so I don't think it's puberty yet.
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.
Behaviour/development
Challenging 11 year old girl
5 replies
gandalf456 · 12/10/2015 10:25
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.