Challenging 11 year old girl

[gandalf456]

My daughter has just started secondary school and has always been hard work but, lately, she has shown some very challenging behaviour. I'll give you an example, which is just the tip of the iceberg, reallly - yesterday, she'd been out all day with neighbours and then decided that, just for fun, she'd spit at her 6 yr old brother. This is the fourth time she has done this this week. The first 3 x, I did not overreact but made it clear to her that it was wrong and that it was disgusting and did deliver a consequence (no friends from school back until behaviour improves).

However, the fourth time, I did react big time and, to cut a long story short, I told her to spend the rest of the evening in her room and to keep out of my sight. The problem is that, every time I try to punish her she resists. If I send her to her room, she won't go and will just sit there defiantly, if I take her ipad away, she'll fire up the computer, etc, etc. It's as if she's letting us know she is staying in control. I find punishments counterproductive but even if I try to balance things with positive praise when being good, it doesn't actually impact on the bad behaviour. And, even when she is good and doing what she should be doing, she seems to need constant attention.

I know some of it is stress related. She admits that she is worried about the work - she fell very behind at the last school and there was some teasing going on - but the school are aware of this and are being v supportive and they are letting her know that, too. She has very quickly made a set of new friends. Her teachers say she is one of the popular ones and appears very confident but I told them she remains very insecure about not being one the brighter ones and feels judged by that fact. I believe there were kids like that at her school but she'd blown it up in her head as everyone.

My husband and I find it difficult to agree on the right approach, which I know is common. I've always thought he was overly harsh and he has always thought I was overly soft. Now I'm beginning to see what he means...

The main flashpoints are when I am busy with something - usually when I am trying to cook or have a shower and it is always directed at her brother. It is honestly like having a three year old in that I still cannot leave her in a room on her own and I am finding it beyond frustrating. It sounds like a new teenage stage but, tbh, she is very, very immature for her age and is the size of and eight year old so I don't think it's puberty yet.

[Ferguson]

At 11 she could be starting to take some responsibility for HELPING her brother learn, supporting his reading, writing or maths. Teaching someone else can be therapeutic, and help with her own understanding of subjects, and of other people.

What is she good at? Try and emphasise the positive things, and if there are specific difficulties or subjects she struggles with, maybe MN can come to the rescue!

In raising our DS thirty years ago, fortunately DW and I were always in agreement with each other. Maybe she senses your discord, and that unsettles her because she doesn't know how to deal with it. And if she is smaller than her peers, that can't help.

See if you can find an area she can really excel in, to boost her self-esteem.

[gandalf456]

Yes, I think that helping her brother would boost her confidence massively. She loves it when she gets to read him a bedtime story and likes nuturing him, generally - however, he often doesn't want her to because he wants me. Sometimes he will go to her if I'm busy with something, though. Maybe I'll just try to be busy a bit longer?

WRT to what she's good at, she's very good at making friends. Teachers describe her as popular. She is also good at Art and Drama and enjoys sports. I keep telling her that there is more to school than just Maths and English, which she struggles with, and that there will be more to life than that when she's left.

The school seems to be very supportive so far and I'm hoping they'll work with me on this one. The last wasn't, really, and I hadn't realise how it had affected her until now.

Anyway, yesterday, I decided to allow her to have a friend over and I found it improved her behaviour yesterday evening even though I could see she was massively stressed over her work again.

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

Does she have social media accounts? DD would get wound up about those.
Turn the wifi off, or reset the password she has to earn.
Be consistant, one warning thats it, she knows you dont want to punish her.

[gandalf456]

No, not yet. She has a phone and texts and emails friends but, so far, that is it. Many of her friends do, though, but I'm still reluctant to let her have one yet.

[Ferguson]

Children CAN survive without 'social media' (and long-term it will be interesting to see just how much damage is done with this unnecessary and possibly destructive phenomenon) so I would hold off from that as long as you can.