5y old punched me in the nose and gave me a nosebleed

[cojmum]

As title says. He had just came out of school and had one of the schools toys in his pocket. I asked him to give it back, he resisted at first, but then gave it back.
As we started to walk out of the school toward the bike shed he started to whine and push against me as if he wanted something, so I bent down to tell him to speak to me calmly so I could understand what he was saying and he thumped me really hard on the nose and gave me a nose bleed. I told him that wasn't nice and turned around and started to walk the other way home so that he could not ride his bike home and he hit me all down the street.
Dp thinks I am being harsh by not going back for the bike. It's locked in the bike shed so it's safe.
This is not the first time he has lashed out like that and I don't know what to do. I have had concerns about his behaviour, school have said he is fine there.
It sounds silly but it's really upset me, and I feel like a failure because I don't know how to address his behaviour. Any advice much appreciated

[DextersMistress]

He punched you in the face and you told him that's not nice? And your dh thinks you're being harsh?

Blimey. I'd be going apeshit if my 5yo did that, what exactly is his punishment aside from the bike thing?

[cojmum]

That's exactly it, I don't really know.

He absolutely loves his bike and rides it to and from school and I also take him out for an hour or so in the evening on it, so he will miss it tonight and tomorrow.

I suppose that is part of my question, what realistically is punishment for that sort of behaviour?

Our eldest son loses screen time, wifi ect but 5yo doesn't have them things anyway

[DextersMistress]

If the bike is his favourite thing then he should absolutely lose it for a few days, until his behaviour improves. Id also be having a stern chat with him about how unacceptable violence is.

What would your dh' punishment have been? He doesn't sound very helpful tbh.

[Hypotenuse]

You are not being hard on him, he does need to know you are angry and hurt by what he did and that you expect him to never do it again.

When he is calm, I'd ask him how he thinks you felt when he hit you, and if someone hit him and hurt his nose what would he want them to do to make him feel better. Your goal could be an apology, and then you need to work out what consequences sit right with you for what he has done.

I'm not a fan of a naughty step, or a shaming/guilt style punishment. I would probably say something like no play dates or trips to public places until he can show he has gentle hands, that to me is a natural consequence of being too rough, he is not allowed to be near people he could hurt.

I'd then encourage him by saying 'a whole day of gentle hands well done!' 'Three whole days, keep going!' Then day 7 take him somewhere simple and say it's because he has such gentle hands now and you know he can go to the park/cinema/whatever and trust him to be gentle with everyone.

[cojmum]

Dp thinks an apology is sufficient.

We don't really agree on parenting issues. I think he is far to soft and he thinks I am too harsh.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

Crikey, your DP thinks you're harsh?

I think that's great advice above from Hypotenuse although maybe 7 days is a bit long for a 5 yo. I'd probably go for 4 days of gentleness before I gave up any of my time to do nice things with him. As well as a very stern talk about hitting, hurting and feelings, followed up with some books and other types of follow-up.

But I suspect your real issue is DP and that your DS is already learning to play you off each other. You're going to need to find a way to discuss that (well out of hearing of the DCs) and soon.

I hope you're OK and your nose isn't too sore.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

BTW have you got How to talk so children will listen? I really recommend it and use it a lot with DS.

[Canyouforgiveher]

An apology is sufficient!

If you go back and get that bike for him after he deliberately hit you hard enough to draw blood, then you have years of misery ahead of you -and he won't always be a small cute 5 year old. He has to learn to control himself, starting now.

He needs a conversations which isn't in a

"hey buddy you know how important gentle hands are, right?"

tone but in a

"hitting me was absolutely unacceptable and that behaviour makes me very angry and disappointed" tone.

You need to be cross. If my child hit me like that "that is not nice" would not have been the words out of my mouth "how dare you hit me?" would have been closer.

He is 5 and in school - he has to understand that not hitting when frustrated is not a choice but an imperative.

Agree with keeping him off the bike for a day or so (wouldn't do more than 2 days at that age and more likely just tomorrow), and rewarding him for being gentle.

[cojmum]

Thank you for all the suggestions. I will definitely have a talk to him and praise gentle hands. I will also take a look at the book

[NickyEds]

I'm with Canyou on this one op. Maybe there's a time for "can we talk about gentle hands" but punching your mother in the face is not it. I don't really adhere to a parenting philosophy as such but shouldn't a 5 year old feel a bit guilty and ashamed for smacking his mum, repeatedly?? I'd definitely go with "how dare you hit me" in my most cross mum voice.

I think you did exactly the right thing by making him walk home. It seems like a good and immediate sanction to me- no way is it too harsh! If he behaves and doesn't hit then he can have his bike back in a couple of days. I think it's really tough on you that your dh isn't supporting you- a stern talking too from his dad might have helped too. In any case he should always support you in front of your ds otherwise your ds will get confused with the mixed messages.

[cojmum]

I was so shocked, I didn't really know what to say. I didn't go back for the bike and I think it worked. He's been really well behaved since.
Its also difficult as my eldest has ASD and can sometimes lash out and he has seen it, but he obviously has to know that it is wrong!

[toffeeboffin]

Are you kidding?

If my son punched me on the nose he would get the biggest bollocking of his life and wouldn't ride his bike for a hell of a long time.

You need to address this now OP, or he'll be 15 and still punching you. He needs boundaries, and pronto: punching people is not acceptable, ever!