I'm concerned about my son & would appreciate some help from parents of school-aged kids :(

[Lsmum]

Hi. My ds is 6 1/2 and is in his first year of school. For most of the year, things have been going well - good report, group of mates that he plays with every day, etc etc.

He has seemed a bit down lately and hasn't been trying as hard at school, eg. every week the kids can earn stickers and points toward receiving an award, if they do good work & display good behaviour etc. Ds was doing this with lots of enthusiasm and earning regular points, but lately he hasn't had any and he doesn't seem to care about it anymore - I think he's generally feeling down. I found out a couple of weeks ago that one of the boys in his group (who appears to be a bit of a troublemaker) has become quite possessive of my ds' closest friend. As a result, this boy and ds' friend have teamed up together and when they feel like it , they will pick on ds by coming to look for him at lunch time and trying to fight him. This has turned around completely from a few months ago, when this group of about 6 boys were all friends. Now ds appears to have been singled out, and some days they will play with him and some days they won't - all (seemingly) because of this kid who wanted to muscle in on the friendship. I regularly see this boy kicking other children in the playground, and apparently he's been told off a few times for kicking/hitting my ds when ds can be bothered complaining about it, but nothing else seems to have been done.

No major damage has been done in the sense that ds is not coming home with cuts or injuries, but they taunt him and push him down to the ground, that kind of thing. Then other days they will be nice and 'let' him play with them. I know it's upsetting him that this group don't seem to be as friendly with him anymore and I don't think he understands it at all - he said he doesn't want to fight them and he just wants it to stop. I've now made an appointment with his teacher on Thursday to discuss it with her and I absolutely don't want this kid in the same class as ds next year.

So basically my question is - what would you do? Are these 'normal' kind of playground antics?? I know kids tend to be fickle and can be friendly one day and nasty the next, but I just want to hear whether this kind of thing has happened to other people's children and if it has improved with time, etc. Ds is a lovely kid, he has his faults like most children but is the type who just wants to be friends with everyone. He really likes this group of boys and probably shows it too much, which is perhaps why a couple of them have turned on him. He's a more sensitive type than a rough time, IYKWIM. I'm really not sure what to do, but am hurt on his behalf. Thank you.

[Lsmum]

That was meant to be 'rough type' in the last sentence..

[admylin]

My ds is also more the sensitive type than therough type and although he hasn't had it so bad as your ds he has good days and bad days. I have always told my kids that fighting isn't good but since last week when he was in a fight where the other kid headlocked him and punched his head I've been telling him to stick up for himself and I've enrolled him in a sport club where they do Aikido twice a week and he asks the trainer how to get out of certain situations.
The school teacher was useless, I tried with her but she isn't very good.
Sorry not much help but if the teacher visit doesn't help then maybe a sport club would do your ds good.

[WideWebWitch]

Not normal imo, no. I'd ask the school to help you and I'd ask to see their bullying policy. Your poor boy. and if you can, I'd do plenty of inviting the other boys over to tea/to play football so he gets some time with them which isn't at school. Have a look at kidscape too

[WideWebWitch]

I don't think you should demand re class next year though, I think they need to tackle this other boy's behaviour.

[curlew]

Oh, isn't it awful when this happens? My dd went through something very similar and it is hard to know what to do. The problem is that too much intervention can be counter productive unless you can trust the teacher to be very sensitive in the way she deals with it. FWIW what we did was mention it to the teacher so that she was aware, and we talked a lot to our dd about making friends with other people. Whenever she mentioned someone else we invited them to tea - just did everything we could to broaden her circle of friends. She was still very sad about the girl she wanted to be best friends with and the other little madam who was controlling the situation, but she learnt some strategies to deal with it. The controlling girl- let's call her L - hasn't changed much and they are now in year 6! but the others have learnt to treat her with a pinch of salt. The trouble is, she is very bright and mature in lots of ways (older parents PreciousLittlePrincess) and is very good at manipulating adults (including teachers!) The children are a bit more cynical. It will get better. Give him huge amounts of support, invite lots of children round (perhaps even the ringleader boy to see what he's like out of school) ~ Try to encourage him not to rise to provocation. That was my dd's problem - she would always cry , so L knew she would get a reaction. Sorry, I've gone on a bit, but I do feel for you and your ds!

[mytime]

Similar happened to by dd - I encouraged her to make other friends in the class. She now has one very close friendship and no more probls with bullying. I has considered asking the child she had problems with to tea - as in know your enemy! children who bully tend to play to an audience - on his own he may forge enough of a friendship with your ds to carry over into school.

[doobydoo]

No words of advice but i don't think it is normall and i feel so sorry for you and your ds.I really hope hope you get it sorted.

[NikkiH]

I really feel for you and your son - it's awful when kids pick on another like this. You're doing the right thing by making an appointment to speak to the teacher but I'd try to make it as factual as you can and try not to become too emotive. You want her to see that you have just cause for concern and that you're willing to work with the school to sort the situation out. Our school has a playground buddy system whereby older children are on hand to help those feeling left out.

Inviting other boys home for tea or meeting up to do things with them - bowling etc - sometimes helps. Making new friends by joining clubs like Beavers can also help broaden interests and help him to see that the boys at school are not worth the hassle he's getting from them.

It's good that he's talking to you about this and that he sees you're taking it seriously.

Hope this helps and the school takes the situation seriously. Let us know how you get on.

[busybusymum]

FWIW I don't think this is normal in boys, it is very very normal for girls to act this way but boys usually seem to just get on with playing in a group rather than just with a best friend.

My DS is a quiet sensitive type but we are lucky that he is in a class of lovely boys who since starting school have all played together (they are now year 5) occasionally an odd fall out but it never spills over into school work or home. On the other hand my poor DD has had it just like you describe for your son, one little girl absolutely hate seeing my DD happy and will be best friends at morning break and be so cruel by lunch time. She is very manipulative with the other girls. She is also very tiny and is excellent at turning on the tears, and , of course, gets the desired reaction of "aww poor little xxxxx" its infuriating.
We asked for a class change around this year when they went into year 3 and it has given my DD alot more confidence at making friends.

Speak to the teacher and explain that its effecting his work and his happiness. Ask what they can do to help? If you are able ask another "new" friends around for a play after school or one saturday morning just to help your DS to have some fun away from the other boys.
Hope you sort it our soon.

[DimpledThighs]

If you do not feel reassured after speaking to the teacher tehn I would ask to speak to the head - it may seem like overkill but you need to make sure they are taking this as seriously as you are. Or you could ask baout their bullying policy - it may not be percieved as bullying but it could go that way if the school are not on top of things.

I would not recommend approaching the boy's parents, but you could perhaps invite this boy over after school, maybe if they had some one to one time they could find some common ground rather than just see each other as competition for this other boy.

I would echo the martial arts advice. My ds was having problem of a different order, but someone suggested martial arts. I sent him to white crane kung fu and it has worked wonders. His self esteem rose, he learnt about respect (which was the prob;em ) and you would not believe how much kudos being good at kung fu carries with boys!

[curlew]

Can I share a guilty secret? My dd continues to have problems with L on and off. When she was in y3, she was given a little doll who bore an uncanny resemblance to L. And sometimes [ looks over shoulder uneasily} {and whispers} we used to drown the doll in the bath. {slinks out of thread never to return}

PS. It cheered up my ds amazingly and does not to have harmed her psychological developement at all.

[PeachysAreNotAChristmasFruit]

Once I would have said this isn't normal boy behaviour, and I wouldn't have commented from experience with ds1 (SN) but DS2 (as NT as they come) is in Year 1 now and I am seeing this sort of thing happen a lot to him. He doesn't play a certain game they do (I think because he watches over his brother but not sure ) so they seem to have ganged up on him rather, wanting to- as you say- play fights all the time. He's a gentle sould and doesn't like it one bit.

Any behaviour that upsets a child in the playground is wrong and needs to be discussed with the school and hopefully observed / stopped by them. All children should feel that they can go to school safe, and free from fear. That's an incredibly basic right, yet one many children don't have.

On a more philosophical note I do notice that at the boys school girly behaviour is seeming to tkae over- not the nice kind stuff we imagine but the bitchy in fighting I remember all too well from my wn childhood.

[kslatts]

Hi, my dd had a few problems earlier this year in the playground with a few girls in her class, but one of the biggest problems was she wouldn't tell the teacher what was happening, one morning she was crying and said she didn't want to go to school so I went in 10 mons before school and asked to see her teacher but her teacher had called in sick so we saw the headteacher who was really nice and asked my dd to explain what had happened, later that day she spoke to my dd and the 2 girls which were causing most of the problems and once they had talked it through they were all friends again. I think you should see the teacher and if you are not happy with the outcome you should see the head as once aware of the problem they will probably be able to sort it out. My dd head called me a few days later to update and for the couple of weeks following our meeting often asked my dd how things were.

[Lsmum]

Thanks for all your advice - I have just had a good sob over this I'm having lunch with a friend too so I guess this means I'll have to go with red puffy eyes..

It is so hard to say exactly what is going on. He has been so friendly with these boys up until recently, I can hardly believe it's turned out like this. I agree with you Peachy that this type of behaviour is probably becoming a bit more common among boys - ds told me a couple of months ago about another little boy who was deemed unfit to play with this group one day, and apparently he walked away crying. Ds ran after him & told him he would play with him, so I suppose that is where the difference lies between ds and these other kids. Anyway - I will talk to the teacher and then take it further if things continue. I will also make an effort to invite more kids round, I suppose I've been a bit slack with this because of a busy life and we also tend to see a lot of ds' cousins & other kids that we've known for a long time, rather than school friends. I will have to make sure I concentrate on this more.

Peachy the 'play-fights' you are talking about - I think it started out as play fighting with my ds but like your son, he doesn't like it and I'm wondering if this has had an impact. Perhaps these kids are seeking him out now, because they know he doesn't like it and runs away.

Anyway thank you for all your posts, I just hope that it takes a turn for the better soon. Can't believe how much it hurts, this is much worse than any of my own silly problems

[Twiglett]

I haven't read what others have said but from your OP I would say you should go into school and talk to the teacher .. because this is nascent bullying and there will be a bullying policy

the teacher should address this .. and explain to you how she'll address it

[PeachysAreNotAChristmasFruit]

Hope you feel better after lunch.

Have you looked at the thread on here about highlt sensitive children? there is a specific movement to identify these kids, and indeed celebrate them and there is also a very good book on the subject the title of which I can find if you want.

Your little boy sounds adorable and you should be exceedingly proud of the way he went to play with that child- gorgeous.

[Lsmum]

He's got a good heart..

Thanks, I wouldn't mind reading the thread on sensitive children if you could steer me in the right direction. Don't think I can take many more years of this kind of thing!

[DimpledThighs]

I hope your friend cheers you up. I know it is no help but I have been through the morning in tears over my son and he is a happy popular boy now.

These things go in waves and I hope the class settles down soon. This term is a very long term, dark evening, xmas excitment all seem to make this a difficult time (it was this time last year I had problems).

I really feel for you. Your ds sounds lovely and his attitude will get him much further in the long run.

[fireflyxmasfairylights2]

Curlew

Lsmum, speak to the teacher, chances are she knows what's going on & is dealing with it.

[PeachysAreNotAChristmasFruit]

the thread

the author of the book (titled simply highly sensitive children iirc) is mentioned in the first post, and most libraries have it.

HTH

[ginnedupmummy]

Message withdrawn

[fullmoonfiend]

peachy, thanks for that link, was trying to find that thread t'other day as have just finished the book and although have fouund no maguc answers, wept with relief at finding my ds so accurately identified therin It's so lovely not feeling alone, sometimes innit?

[helenhismadwife]

Hi Lsmum

so sorry to hear you ds is having such a hard time, one of my ds had a very similar thing happen to him when he was about 5, I approached his teacher about it and was assured it was going to be dealt with and the two boys were going to be spoken to, anyway a few days later ds came out of school in tears saying that they had pushed him over and kicked him when they were supposed to be lining up I rang the school straight away and spoke to the head teacher I was furious anyway I went to see the head the next morning and had a list of things that had happened and told him that the school had a responsibility to protect my son and they werent doing it. I was angry and very very upset on ds behalf that I told him that I would go to the local LEA if some action wasnt taken.

they did sort it one of the boys was excluded for 3 days a few days later for a similar incident with another child.

so my advice would be;

speak to ds teacher (I think at this age it doesnt have any impact on the bullying etc)
keep a note of what is happening and what the teacher does about it
if it doesnt improve go to the head teacher

as a parent it is very upsetting when this happens to your dc but keep your chin up and reassure ds that you will sort it out, and good luck

[Lsmum]

Thanks Helenhismadwife. I can't believe schools can be so apathetic about stuff like this - it really makes you mad, doesn't it.

[helenhismadwife]

it did make me mad, but also very upset because I couldnt stop it and be there and protect him.