Really worried my daughter is becoming emotionally damaged due to not having a father

[TheMaddestHatter]

Yesterday after school, we were standing in the queue for the Post Office and I noticed her go all quiet. Once outside, she burst into tears and began whining "Why don't I have a Dad?"

She's almost 8, and this type of behaviour has been happening more frequently over the past few years. Every few days, she'll make some remark about being the only person in her class not to have a dad (yes, there are children of separated parents in her class, but she's the only one not to have contact with hers) and how it makes her feel odd. She gets upset when she reads books with dads in them. Or watches films with dads in them. She frequently pleads with me to get married so she can have a step dad. It's turning into quite an obsession and I'm concerned about the impact on her mental health now - and as she gets older, too.

Her dad moved away with his family when she was a few weeks old (he is on her birth certificate, so has PR) and has never made contact since. I tried to trace him up until she was three, but was told by his sister via email that he doesn't want to be involved. He will pay what he has to through CSA (a whopping £25 per month) but that's all the input he wants to provide. None of his family have met my daughter so she has no links to him at all.

I have tried everything to help my daughter and I'm now feeling at the end of my tether.

*I've explained in an age appropriate manner that her dad just didn't think he could be responsible enough to be a parent, and decided it would be best to go away.

*I've answered all of her questions about him - his name, what school he went to, what movies he used to like etc

*I show her pictures of him whenever she asks (i've kept some by of him holding her when she was a baby)

*I have explained that there is no 'normal' family set up. e.g. some children don't have any parents, some have two dads, two mums, don't have a mum, live with their sister etc. So she has nothing to feel embarrassed/ashamed about.

*I have read her books/selected films that don't follow the traditional family set up.

*I've spoken to her school over the years who just say they'll keep an eye on her during the run up to family events etc.

*I've recently asked for an Ed psychologist assessment who said after a brief visit she does not need intervention as she's a bright girl and it has no impact on her school work, but gave me some tips to use at home (mostly all of the above, which I've been doing for years).

My daughter has plenty of males in her life - she has 5 uncles, a grandad, cousins, drama teacher, our priest - all of whom she has regular contact with.

I don't even think it's her own dad that she's pining for. It's just ANY dad.

I've never had a relationship since she was born (it's pretty hard to date when you're a single parent with no evening childcare, nor have I had the desire to enter another relationship).

She gets angry with me when she begs me to give her a step dad when I explain that it's not as simple as all that, and I don't want to have a relationship right now anyway. I'm perfectly happy as I am.

I really lost my temper yesterday after dinner when she started again with the step dad nonsense. I told her firmly that there are plenty of children in the world with no family whatsoever, so she should count herself lucky she has me. I told her I give her everything I can, I work extra hard to be a mum and a dad to her, and that i have no plans to get married in the near future so she better get used to and stop nagging.

Sullen silence for half an hour after that rant, then she was back to normal.

Of course that rant made me feel even more guilty, but also relieved. I'm now wondering if the nice, calm explanations I've been exercising these past few years are making her worse? Maybe she needs me to start being firm on the subject from now on? But then won't that just be encouraging her to keep her feelings inside and shut herself off from me? At least just now she is very open and wears her heart on her sleeve and tells me exactly what's on her mind.

I just don't know what else I can possibly do. Surely this is only going to get worse as she gets older and enters her teens? She came home a few days ago and begged me to find her dad on Facebook! Apparently a girl in her class told her that you can chat to anyone on Facebook. I told her that I can only chat to my own friends on there, and she doesn't need to concern herself with internet messaging while she's a child. I think that once she's older and her internet use is out of my control - she will search online for him. And my heart is already breaking for her because i am 95% sure her father will still reject her.

She has a lot of anger and sadness about not having a father. And I just don't know how to help her through it.

[BarbarianMum]

[MissM]

This sounds really tough for you. From where I'm standing (which is with no experience of your situation), it sounds as though she's going through something very normal and probably very healthy. She's at an age where she will be aware of being 'different', and children start to not like that. She's probably starting to look for an identity (I mean subconsciously rather than knowingly), and this is part of the jigsaw. Plus she's probably read about dads in books, seen her friends dads, seen all the messages that we're bombarded with about 'real' families, and she just - wants a dad.

I would say that you're doing all the right things. You sound as though you've been working really hard to help her but I also agree with Barbarian that acknowledging her feelings, perhaps sitting down and letting her a cry about it while you say 'I know, you really want a dad, and you feel so sad about it' could be a really good thing.

This isn't the same at all, but my son keeps asking me to have another baby. He would LOVE me to have another baby. But I'm 45, H is more than not keen, and we've missed the boat. So there will be no other baby. But when he asks me 'But COULD you?' and I reply, 'Well, yes, technically I COULD, but I'm not going to', I can see him harbouring some hope. What I'm very clumsily trying to say is that I think your daughter's feelings are entirely normal, and the more you normalise them the better. Sorry if I sound a bit rambly and confused.

[TheMaddestHatter]

Thank you both so so much for the replies/advice.

It's such a relief to hear someone say this is normal! And you are completely right. I don't think i've ever sat with her while she 'cried it out'. I'm always quick to try to make her feel better by reminding her that our family can be complete without a dad etc, I never just sit and listen with an occasional 'I know. It's not fair at all'.

And Miss M, that's exactly it with the 'giving them false hope'. It's just tricky to get around. Technically, I could go and search for a potential step-dad for her, but I just have no desire to right now. And in her eyes, this makes me selfish. It really is all black and white to her.

Next time the subject crops up, I'll be sure to just sit and nod and listen rather than doing all the talking. Such a simple strategy, but one I had completely overlooked!

Thanks, both, once again.

[MissM]

The problem with situations like this is that one day she will understand why you didn't 'find' her a dad. But right now she's not old or mature enough to do that - to her finding a dad is as easy as it would be in Disney films. The other struggle for her will be realising that her father has basically rejected her and her mother - which is a really tough thing to acknowledge. That will probably cause her a lot of grief further down the line.

For what it's worth you sound like you're doing everything to build her confidence and self-esteem and that you really care about her feeling ok about her dad not being in her life. I hope I'm not talking out of turn to say maybe you could talk to someone as well (if you don't already) as it must have felt hugely rejecting to you when this so-called man left you and possibly part of the reason why you have no interest in being with anyone else.

Good luck.

[Tillytoes14]

I can totally sympathise with your daughter, I was 9 years old, when my mother walked out on me, my father and my sister and moved away with her new partner. I mourned my mother for years, I used to miss having her around growing up, like all my other friends who had mothers around, it had a huge impact on me as a child, I also developed habitual tics as a result, I didn't have counselling, but in theory I think I should have. Although my mum has never lived close by, or been a big part of my life, I do have a very supportive and loving father. Although your daughter will miss having her father in her life, she will eventually adapt to living with just you and when she's mature enough to understand, you can explain to her the situation as best as possible. I agree that acknowledging her feelings will help, I remember crying to my father many nights, he just used to listen and it helped me.

[tessiegirl]

I too have been in a very similar situation. My dad left when I was 6 months old and I never had any contact with him. I remember having feelings your daughter is going through as I realised I was 'different' to other kids at school. I have always been extremely close to my mum and maternal grandparents and they were all very honest with me about the situation and let me cry and get angry. I remember going to the cinema to watch Miracle on 34th Street and when they get married at the end the little girl gets a Stepdad. I came home in floods of tears because that is what I wanted. As I got older, the anger really set in, I couldn't understand why he hadn't wanted anything to do with me or to even contribute to my growing up financially. I would get upset on Fathers Day especially. When I started having relationships of my own around 16 my fears of being rejected again created issues of trust. The best thing for me to do was go to counselling, which I did and it was a great way for me to realise it wasn't 'me' he had left. Fast forward to when I was 21 and I decided I wanted to contact him which I did. We met, I asked questions and got emotional and very angry. He was extremely remorseful over what he had done. We now have a relationship but to this day I have never called him 'dad' to his face. It feels like an alien word to me. I got married last year and I couldn't face him walking me down the aisle, in my eyes he hadn't earned that right. What I'm trying to say is that there may be difficult times ahead for your daughter, or you may find as she gets older she gets better. Please, always be honest with her and just listen.

[wotoodoo]

Hi op, without diminishing what your dd's going through please can I also mention that at her age it is very normal to go through phases, quite long ones, of really wanting what you don't have; it could be a pony, a dog, a brother or sister and therefore I feel it is normal part of growing up, and listening sympathetically culminating with a cuddle and hot chocolate without offering advice or solutions is possibly your best bet x

[tobysmum77]

I took a minor double take at your post because it mirrors the situation of a friend of dd's (only about 90% btw although the age is the same) I wonder if one issue is that she is being asked about it more as she gets older and is struggling to cope with the details. I know dd was asking questions of this other little girl yesterday because she told me. She isn't trying to pry but she's 6 and can't get her head round the situation. I find it hard to explain also as I don't know the details of why he doesn't see her (and boy is he missing out).