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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

9 month development check coming up - should I lie?

17 replies

emkana · 09/05/2004 19:05

Dd2 is due for her 9 month check next week. I'm very much an 'Attachment Parenting' kind of Mum - so we co-sleep, breastfeed on demand... Dd2 is not interested in solids at all, she won't eat anything from a spoon, but will have finger foods, mainly to play with though. From my experience with the HV when dd1 was little I would guess that she will be quite aghast if I tell her the truth about how we do things - we didn't clash then because I was still trying to do it by the book then, whereas now I'm more confident and happy to do it my own way. I don't know what to say to the HV though - shall I tell her what she wants to hear to avoid confrontation? or be upfront about it, and just ignore any advice she might give? or shall I not go at all?

OP posts:

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hercules · 09/05/2004 19:09

Same problem i have. Dont want to lie as i am proud to parent this way but know will cause confrontation. Had the same with ds and weaning at 6 months with dd.

hercules · 09/05/2004 19:11

Did you seethe attachment p thread?

emkana · 09/05/2004 19:12

So what did you do, hercules?
I still remember the look on my HV's face when I told her that we were still breastfeeding when dd1 was about 20 months. SHe said "OBVIOUSLY it's only for comfort now, not for any nutritional benefit!" Really?
Oh, and when she heard that I was tandem feeding after the birth of dd2 she was speechless - just pretended I hadn't said anything...

OP posts:

emkana · 09/05/2004 19:13

Sorry, posts crossed. No, I didn't - will look for it.

OP posts:

kiwisbird · 09/05/2004 19:14

finger foods are solids, she likes them whther it be to eat or throw, so thus she looks forward to every meal! No need to lie!
I've always white lied a little to be honest!

hercules · 09/05/2004 19:14

I fed ds until he was 4! Imagine their concern!

DDs check isnt for another month. I know i wont lie but will find it hard not to be over defensivr.

Clayhead · 09/05/2004 19:14

OMG, you could be me. ds has his check this week, we co-sleep, bf on demand, he's a little velcro baby. He does like solids and finger foods but my dd has been poorly and has been in hospital recently, ds has had to get by onlots of bf by necessity.

At dd's 8 month check I got bollocked by my HV for:

Co sleeping
Hadn't given her meat at that point
Still bf (wasn't enough, apparently)

With ds I bf exclusively for 6 months too, which I didn't do with dd.

I am also in a quandry of whether to tell the truth and get into a war of words or lie and get out of there quick (and aviod getting things scrawled over the red book, which she did with dd).

I am also p*ssed off because dd was admitted to hospital 5 weeks ago and HV still hasn't phoned despite it being policy that she should. Luckily I don't need her help but what if someone does?

Let me know what you decide, I'm curious!!

suzywong · 09/05/2004 19:16

I can't see the HV having a say in whether or not you co-sleep or BF on demand.
Your dd2 will obviously be wieghed but unless she is significantly underwieght there shouldn't be a problem, and I am presuming you would know if she were and come on here and ask advice.

They do al the hearing and sight and alertness and fine motor skills tests at this stage and will ask you if she is babbling etc.

If I were you I wouldn't show any fear of the HV, if she asks how you are doing things answer her matter of factly and just refuse to be drawn in to any debate, you could pretend to be very vague and just smile sweetly. If the HV can see you and your family are clearly caring types and your baby is satisfactory on all of her tests then she really shouldn't be intervening at all.

You must go though, it would be a shame if you missed out on any developmental checks just in case they could see something to keep an eye on (I don't know maybe hearing or something that doesn't pose a problem or raise your concern within your family situatuion). Also I think it's at this check you get the free book bag. I'm taking my DS2 next week and we sometimes co sleep but I'm mot going to mention that just cos I can't be arsed listening to any 'advice'.

Sounds like you have a happy healthy baby so keep on doing what you are doing and if you start feeling pressured to do things by the book tell the HV to bog off.

Lisa78 · 09/05/2004 19:18

just tell her the truth emkana - what have you got to hide, you have a happy healthy daughter, therefore you are doing it all fine
If she thinks you are not, thank her for her advice and do what you feel is right for your daughter
You go girl!

hercules · 09/05/2004 19:19

here

Clayhead · 09/05/2004 19:22

With my HV it doesn't matter how well the baby is doing or whether you appear caring, she still wants things doing her way and can be quite rude if you admit this isn't the case.

Also with my ds he had his hearing tested by computer, just after he was born but we live in a different county and so our HV still needs to dingle the bell and see if his head moves beause county A doesn't accept county B's tests. Waste of time.

LipstickMum · 09/05/2004 19:24

Em, I think you should tell the HV the truth, or just be selective about what you tell her! If you have confidence in your skills as a mother (and you sound like a fantastic mum, by the way!), and your children are happy, then I wouldn't be too concerned about what the HV says, if she has a go that is.

papillon · 09/05/2004 19:31

Our dd is 6.5 months and not interested in spoon feeding. Spoke to my midwife about it who said that her baby books published in the 1930/40 all say not to start solids until 7 or 8 months!

You could query her knowledge. Does it just stem from her own philosophy or is it a broad based understanding regarding parenting?

Can you request another HV? That would put the wind up her skirt!

hatter · 09/05/2004 20:06

Haven't been in the same situation but I reckon you shouldn't lie - but if you want to avoid confrontation if she offers you "advice" that differs from your approach, you could smile sweetly, thank her, ask her if she's got a leaflet or can recommend a book that explains the benefits of her approach and promise to read it. She'd have to be a right old boot to turn that into confrontation. Good luck.

gothicmama · 09/05/2004 20:11

Do not lie - Just remeber HV think they they know it all but really their only purpose in my experience is to make you feel incapable as a way of justifying their existence. Sorry to any nice HV's out there

toddlerbob · 09/05/2004 20:17

Don't lie, unless you HV sees some happy babies coming from AP type parenting how will she ever change her mind about it?

Davros · 09/05/2004 22:24

Personally I wouldn't go, they're rubbish anyway. I haven't taken my DD (13 mos) to the baby clinic for about 11 mos and just ignored the request to go for whatever developmental check it was. I'm not an attachment parent but don't see why you should have to justify whatever you do to someone this way and also to worry about it.

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