DD has recently come to live with me and is pushing the boundries

(14 Posts)
AndyDUK Mon 03-Aug-15 13:20:25

Hello

My 15yr old daughter has lived with me for the last 8 months and regularly I get told I'm not fair and other parents are not like this. So, rather than keep listening to this, I'm going to call her bluff as ask the questions on the forum!

So is it;
1) Acceptable for a 15yr old to be on the Internet at 1am in the morning during holiday times ? - Dad Says No.. DD says other parents are not this strict ?

2) If shes rude to me, is cutting off the internet acceptable ? Dad says YES DD doesn't like it.

3) Bedtimes for 15yrs old. She has to be in bed for 10.30, unless its a weekend or special occasion but she has to always be in bed before me.

4) Being rude and not giving me her mobile phone for a punishment, was it acceptable for me to change all her passwords so she couldn't access facebook / instagram / snapchat ? These were returned to her once her behavior improved.

5) Last one maybe contentious, but we're on a water meter and she wants a bath everyday. Normally this means the only bathroom in the house is out of action for 3 hours. I don't mind a couple of days a week but every day ? Ladies what are you thoughts on this ?

Am I being overly harsh ? I don't believe in shouting as it makes the situation worst. So I tend to tell her the consequences, and go through with it .

What do you think ? Anyone else have any hints or tips for teenage girls ? I have already agreed to a face-pack to keep her happy !!

gymboywalton Mon 03-Aug-15 13:26:42

right i have a 15 year old boy-here is my take

1) no not acceptable- not in my house

2) Yes acceptable
3) during the holiday, we don't have bedtimes BUT i wouldn't go to bed and leave ds up so i agree on that point.
4)i like your style..how rude was she though? have you learned to pick your battles?
5) do you have a shower? if so then you are fine to say no to baths everyday but if you only have a bath then she does need to have a bath everyday sorry.

i think you need to learn the most important rule of living with teenagers which is pick your battles. Really-it's not worth sweating the small stuff.

i was also taught by a wiser more experienced parent that if you tell them to do something and they do it but bitch and moan at the same time..ignore! they are doing what you have asked!

it sounds like you are maybe being a little bit confrontational in a my way or the highway sort of..way! easygoing gets better results i find

FrizzyPig Mon 03-Aug-15 13:28:58

Most of your points are okay but the bath one?!

She's 15 and wants to have a bath every day. You would be very unreasonable to deny her that (unless you have a separate shower that she is otherwise choosing to not use in favour of leisurely baths).

thornrose Mon 03-Aug-15 13:33:06

The only one I disagree with wholeheartedly is the bath. Dd is 15 and will have 2 baths a day quite often. I only shower though so I figure that makes up for it.

Regarding the rudeness, I tend to agree but I put up with a fair bit of eye rolling and backchat. I actually find it amusing and respond with humour. I do believe it's part of growing up. (Seriously offensive rudeness clearly a different matter!)

I have let dd stay up and on the internet late in the past but it didn't sit well with me. I think you need to stay firm on this one. I didn't and regret it. It's hard to go back once you've been too soft on this one.

FinallyHere Mon 03-Aug-15 13:35:45

While everyone has to get washed every day, Im not convince there is a human right to occupy the bathroom for three hours every day. How many bathrooms are there in your household?

Id expect some rules about sharing facilities and not getting in each other's way.

Hassled Mon 03-Aug-15 13:41:38

1. Not acceptable. There has to be a cut-off.
2. Sort of fair enough but it depends how rude - don't underestimate the importance of the internet to a 15 year old. It may be a disproportionate punishment.
3. 10.30 in the holidays is bordering on early for the average 15 year old, I'd have said. My 13 year old goe sto bed at 10.30 in the holidays.
4. Again - how rude? Pick your battles - be wary of doing something really obnoxious to her just to make some sort of a point. 15 year old girls are often just bloody rude - they grow out of it. And sometimes no reaction is the best response.
5. Yes of course she has to wash every day. She has periods, she sweats. 3 hours is taking the piss though.

My DD was the 15 year old from hell and she took every ounce of patience I had. But it's really important that you take the time to try to have fun together sometimes - the cinema, bowling, swimming, whatever appeals. But there has to be some quality time in amongst the strops and the rudeness. And it gets better, I promise.

heyday Mon 03-Aug-15 13:48:01

I think 15 is a real crossroads in a young persons life. They feel they are grown up but are still treated like children by everyone, according to them She is going to push the boundaries, almost daily. She is awashed with conflicting emotions and moods and, similar to a toddler, will resent anyone who dares to try and stop her doing what she wants to do, regardless of how ridiculous or unreasonable it is. Continue to set boundaries but, as others have said, do pick your battles carefully or else you will be living in a permanent war zone. I do think she is entitled to have a bath every day, it cant cost that much, even with a water metre. She does need to learn that she cant hog the bathroom for hours though. In time she will grow out of this difficult stage so grit your teeth and try to build some happy, positive memories along the way.

Fairylea Mon 03-Aug-15 13:52:27

I agree with you about everything except the bath. In my opinion absolutely everyone should have a bath or a shower everyday. However no one needs to be in there for 3 hours! Get a timer and set it for 30 mins max.

AndyDUK Mon 03-Aug-15 13:54:43

Thanks all!

We have one bathroom and one toilet at present. Both in the same room. We have a shower she can use, which I think is acceptable but I'm going to relent today and pick my battles (with a time limit imposed).

I tend to deal with her quietly calmly with humour, although sometimes she doesn't see the funny side :-) . Calm and composed and not rising to the challenge..

Thanks for all your hints and tips, I'm learning rapidly, to let the eye rolling, and storming off to the bedroom to slide and shes learning that if she has upset me a simple apology and lets move on works wonders..

Mrscog Mon 03-Aug-15 13:54:53

Do you have a shower she can use instead of a bath? If so I don't think it's unreasonable to request she has fewer baths and showers instead from an economical point of view. Or that her baths are limited to a certain amount of time.

JeanSeberg Mon 03-Aug-15 13:56:10

Your house your rules etc etc. But do you make sure you spend quality time with her besides all the enforcing of rules (which I agree with by the way)?

hesterton Mon 03-Aug-15 14:00:29

It sounds like you are handling her well. Don't forget to keep reminding her that she is a lovely, sensible person who you trust to do the right things for herself as she grows up. Tell her you know she'll be a brilliant adult, but you're about right now to support her to develop into that thoughtful, self sufficient, independent adult.

differentnameforthis Mon 03-Aug-15 14:10:45

I don't think the issue was so much the bath everyday,. more like the three hours she spends in it, probably constantly topping up the hot water!!

Oliversmumsarmy Mon 03-Aug-15 14:13:39

Think I must be the parent who your dd is comparing you against.

1. Dd, 15 is on line till 1am, if she is tired at work or feels tired when she is out with her friends then that is up to her.

2. She isn't really rude to me so I dont have any sanctions in place.

3. No bedtime during the holidays, see no.1.

4. Again I don't get the rudeness

5. We don't have a bath at the moment but she like everyone else in the family showers everyday. We also don't have any doors so someone can be brushing their teeth whilst someone is on the loo and someone is in the shower. Why if someone is in the bathroom can it not be used for 3 hours.

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