ds1 is whingy and aggressive and ds2 is starting to copy him

[divastrop]

i dont know what to do anymore.i have posted a couple of times on sn and feeling depressed about my ds1(he will be 9 in january).he has always been whingy,all the time,nothing i have done has stopped him.he doesnt understand why sometimes things dont go his way or why he cant always have what he wants.even when i take him out somewhere he wants to go he always moans about something.he is currently undergoing assessment with a child psychologist,a couple of his taechers felt he may have a mild asd.other people think his behaviour may be due to his early childhood(his father was violent towards me and ds1 witnessed alot of stuff.i split with his father when ds1 was 3).i dont know i am just at the end of my tether with him.
ds2 is 3.3 and was a little angel till he turned 2.he started being 'boisterous',running off in public places and not listening to me.i put it down to him being a normal 2 year old with lots of energy,but although he's improved im still concerned about him.he still runs off when we are out and refuses to hold my hand.now he has started to whinge like ds1 does,and throw things in temper when he doesnt get his own way(ds1 sometimes behaves in an agressive way).ds2 just seems to have too much energy and is always bouncing around at the weekends when he hasnt been at nursery.yet at nursery he sits down when hes told and if they go for a walk he holds the teachers hand and doenst run off.dp says i am too soft on him and still treat him like a baby,that is why he does these things when hes with me.
i dont know what to do.i know ive gone wrong somewhere along the line with ds1 and i dont want ds2 having the same problems.
dd1 who is nearly 8,on the other hand,behaves very well apart from the odd pre-puberty strop etc,but nothing i wouldnt expect from a girl her age.
help???????sorry its so long but i just cant cope with weekends anymore.

[AngeG]

Sorry no answers divastrop, just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and to send you hugs.

[Beelliesebub]

Hi Diva..

It almost sounds like your talking about my youngest lad when he was 8.. I split from his violent father when he was about 3 and he witnessed him being violent to me as well... we had a child psychologist, who decided he was having all his problems because he is left handed. He had me and dh in tears on the kitchen floor ringing childline because we'd got to the end of our tether,they recommended parentline. He bit teachers, if he didn't like what they said he walked out of school and came home. Oh there's so much more but it'd take ages tell you about all of them, he was a complete nightmare BUT there is light at the end of the tunnel.. DS4 is now 14 and the most delightful young man.. In the end it all boiled down to the fact that he had no respect for women and not giving in to him I suppose. My dh and myself very rarely gave him a clout (in fact I think there's been about three occasions) BUT dh will threaten a punishment and he will follow it through. No arguement, no compromise. If he's grounded for a week it's for a week. No parole, no let off for good behaviour. Sometimes I used to feel soooooo sorry for him but dh was right and it's worked. In fact I posted a thread earlier because he was so gorgeous today and washed the kitchen floor for me without anyone asking him. So please don't despair, it really will be ok.

[3littlefrogs]

The best thing i ever read when my boys were small was "Raising Boys" by Steve Biddulph. If you haven't read it, you might be able to get it from your library. It might give you some insights / ideas. HTH

[divastrop]

thank you for your replies.neither dp or i smack any of the children.i used to smack ds and dd1 when they were younger but i stoppped after doing a parenting course with sure start and realising i was just doing what my mum had done and it wasnt working,and i found alternatives.
i think i will have to look for that book as i really have no idea what im doing with boys as i grew up with just my mum and sister.i have noticed both of them listen to dp alot more as he doesnt back down and just tells it like it is.
dd1 behaves better if i explain why im asking her to do/not do something.