Disapline tips? Behaviour advice!

(9 Posts)
Hawest1 Mon 01-Jun-15 23:01:24

My DS1 is 2, will be 3 in August, he is driving me insane! He speaks to me like rubbish, just seems to bark orders, he hits, bites, pushes, bullies his younger brother (just turned one a couple weeks ago) & just about any other child he meets (including his uncle who is 11)
The health visitor & myself agreed today that he is gettin worse & it seems like all his emotions come across as anger & aggression, except happy, as he finds it hilarious & acts proud when he hurts someone. He is being referred for extra help for his behaviour but that could take up to 6 weeks to even hear back if he's been accepted for it or not, so I need some useful tips to last me until then.
In my house hold there is me, my partner, DS1, DS2 & my partners DS, it's got to the point we no longer do things as a family as DS1 always finds a way to ruin it anyway. My partners DS no longer feels welcome in our home, he has admitted on several occasions that he is scared on DS1. Shouting just seems to go in one ear & out the other, same with 'talking on his level', We do have a naughty step, but it seems the novelty of that has worn off & it no longer has the desired effect. My partner says I am too soft but I literally have no idea what to do!! Please help!?

WanderWomble Tue 02-Jun-15 12:44:15

Smack him.

I don't mean beat him black and blue, but a well timed smack can do wonders.

Hawest1 Tue 02-Jun-15 17:30:27

He used to get a smack on the hand but it didn't work either, he started hitting back. We then found out while he was with his dad he was being smacked to the extent of hand print bruises across the back of his legs/bottom. So smacking is definitely off the table!

CultureSucksDownWords Tue 02-Jun-15 17:47:56

Presumably he doesn't go to his dad's anymore? That level of smacking where finger bruises are evident afterwards is abusive. I wouldn't be surprised if this has contributed to his behaviour.

He's almost the same age as my DS and to me he seems like a very young toddler, he's 2 yrs old. The naughty step is unlikely to work at this age as he really won't understand the concept of it. He's also probably still struggling with having a younger brother and adjusting to that.

How is his sleep and his daily routine? Do you get out of the house with him every day, as that can help?

Do you give him lots of praise when he does something right/kind/gentle? Try and give more praise than negative comments - this can be hard but it can really help. Try and give him clear simple instructions and rather than tell him no or stop, tell him what he should be doing instead.

Hawest1 Tue 02-Jun-15 22:04:21

Hasn't seen his dad for 8months or more. & a social worker was involved before then because of that.
I completely understand the jealousy part, a baby is a big change for everyone & I know most of his behaviour comes down to that, but most of the time it starts of a silly argument between them over a toy for example & it's like someone flips a switch in his head & he won't stop until someone physically removes him from the situation or until he's hurt someone.
His sleep varies but most days it's between 8/8.30pm & 7/8am. But recently he has been getting up 2/3 times in the night (usually to pee or because he's wet the bed, we are in the middle of night training as he mastered potty training months ago) his daily routine also varies, every mon, wed & fri he attends nursery in the morning, then he comes home gets lunch & if he's behaved we go & do something like go a walk or go to the park. Every other day he get breakfast maybe watches a film or paints or helps me with some chores, but 9/10 times we barely make it past 10am without a trip to the naughty step or atleast 10 arguments. If he's in one of those moods we rarely leave the house, I don't feel I can leave the house with him being like that as I am scared he will hurt someone or himself. Even playing in he garden is a mission these days.
He does get praised for doing good but it's very short lived as it's usually followed up by something naughty. A couple of days ago for example, he emptied a bottle of shampoo all over the bathroom when he was supposed to be going for a pee, he was put on the naughty step & when I went to get him off noticed he had pulled all the wallpaper off the wall beside it. Then once he was allowed off after that, 2seconds later he was pullin, grabbing, & trying to hit his brother.

CultureSucksDownWords Tue 02-Jun-15 23:09:16

My understanding was that night time dryness is something that happens hormonal when they are ready and not something that can be trained? This link has lots of info about this topic, which might be of use. He seems very young to be training at night, maybe it might take some pressure off generally to put him in pull ups overnight and not worry about trying to get him dry at night?

I personally wouldn't continue with the naughty step, as it sounds like he really isn't understanding what it's for and that it isn't working at all. I think he could use closer supervision during the day - I wouldn't send my DS to the loo on his own, as he would probably get up to mischief! Can you child proof the room a bit more and keep things out of his reach or secured away?

I would also really try and get out of the house, irrespective of how he's behaving. If you go to a place with other children, then you would probably have to do very close supervision and remove him immediately if he is aggressive. It must be very difficult to deal with when you have a 1 yr old as well to manage. Getting out always seems to help my DS's behaviour, so I do think it's worth it.

Really keep going with the praise for good things. Don't worry if they are immediately followed by bad behaviour, it will be like groundhog day but that's what small children are like! It's a long term effect, not a short term one. Another thing that might find helpful is to work on acknowledging his emotions, so you name his emotion when you're talking to him about bad behaviour. So you might say "I can see you're very angry/sad/upset/worried/cross about x/y/z, I'm sorry you feel that way". You then follow through with whatever consequence you would normally do. It can help them express themselves and they know that you have recognised their feelings. Again, this is a long term thing, not a quick fix.

Hopefully the behaviour referral will have some more helpful suggestions and strategies. Out of interest, what does the nursery suggest or think about his behaviour?

WanderWomble Tue 02-Jun-15 23:26:46

Wow, yeah. Smacking so hard you're leaving bruises is crap. I take the suggestion back.

WanderWomble Tue 02-Jun-15 23:27:53

(I don't mean 'you're' as in you, op. Just in general.)

Hope you can get something sorted. Is he getting enough exercise/play time?

Hawest1 Thu 04-Jun-15 07:40:51

He usually goes on his own to the toilet as he usually picks when I'm feeding or changing his brother to decide he needs, so the choices are he goes alone or he pees himself.
He's been doing well with not peeing the bed, so I feel putting pull ups on would just set him back now. Plus pull ups have never helped him, even when potty training he never ever used pull ups as he just seen them as nappies & would purposely use that instead of asking for the toilet.
The health visitor has agreed with me that all his emotions (except happy) come out as anger & aggression, we often go threw different faces & what they mean (the health visitor helped him make a book full of feelings & faces) we will sit with a mirror & talk about feelings. His first stop for his referral is to try & get himself & me to understand his feelings better.
What other methods do u recommend? Other than the naughty step?

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