Hero worship of older sibling - is it normal/healthy?

[spookyskeleton]

DS2 literally hero worships DS1 to the extent that he puts aside his own wants and needs to gain approval/attention from DS1. DS1 is mean to him quite a lot but it makes no difference. DS1 will sulk or just refuse to join in any game/activity that DS2 proposes until DS2 changes his mind to do whatever it was that DS1 wants to do and DS1 is fully aware of this and takes full advantage.

DS1 is literally the most important person in DS2's life but the feeling is not mutual

Is this normal?? I am concerned that DS2 is going to become a 'doormat' in future life and will put aside his own needs to accommodate other peoples which makes me sad.

[spookyskeleton]

Bump

[Heyho111]

How old are they. If S2 is under 4 it's very normal and will probably start to change when they become more self aware from 4 onwards.
Try some turn taking activities. Set up times when S1 chooses a game and you play it for a little while 10 mins or so. Then you say S2 turn to choose a game. Take them to one side and they have to whisper their choice of game to you so the other can't interfere. AsS2 gets stronger they can then say their choice out loud. Also say things like S1 turn to tip/pour/place car in garage etc. Then it's S2 turn. This will help to build compromise for eldest and strength to make own choices for youngest.

[spookyskeleton]

DS2 is 6.5 so much older than 4! DS1 is nearly 9.

I do make them take turns at stuff they both want but then DS1 will just offer DS2 something to switch and DS2 agrees to it Also, DS1 will happily walk away if he doesn't want to do something and I can't make him stay and participate.

[spookyskeleton]

Anyone else experience

[girliefriend]

I have an only dd so not much first hand experience!

However I would have the same concerns as you, I personally wouldn't let the youngest annoy follow your eldest around too much but come to an agreement with the eldest about how much time is reasonable to spend with his younger brother.

[spookyskeleton]

Thanks girlie I do stop DS2 following DS1 around but I can't stop it all the time and sometimes not very often they actually play nicely together without DS1 manipulating DS2. They also share a bedroom so personal space is limited.

[DeeWe]

I think it's still reasonably normal at that age.
I know if ds and dd2 are playing (3 years different but a little older) that ds will usually end up manipulated into doing what dd2 wants. I only interfere if she's refusing to do what he wants after some time of doing what she wants.

I think walking away if they don't want to do it is fine, as long as they haven't played dd2's game for ages with her promising that she'll play ds' when they've done. I take a very poor view of that one.

Also what a 9yo wants to play is usually exciting and accessible for a 6yo, but what a 6yo wants to play can be boring for the 9yo.
For my pair, generally ds is more into dd2's games than dd2 wants to play ds' with a few exceptions.

Dd1 and dd2 (same age gap) have a much more equal relationship with games. Dd2 can still manipulate dd1 into playing her game, but dd2 would rather join in dd1 than the other way round.
That's entirely personality, nothing to do with age or gender btw.

I do also make sure that they all get time and things of their own, and if it belongs to them then they can choose to a certain extent what happens to them. But they do have their own rooms, so I do say "If you want to play with that on your own then you need to take it to your room".