Why do some children struggle in shops ?

[Babieseverywhere]

I had to get nearly 3 yo DD3 some sandals and 6 yo DS some trainers.

DS was crying and rolling around on the floor in our house, at the mere mention of shopping. He moaned and rolled on seats and general was unhappy at the shoe shop.

But DD screamed and kicked all the time we were in the shop and throughout the quick shoe trying on stage and payment...it was horrible and the looks I had off other customers

The promised treat in the cafe afterwards was pointless, as DD3 continued to meltdown and scream.

Nothing I do calms either child when they are upset and I am still trying to accept I am offically a bad parent to DS (as he is highly anxious and struggles socially)

Yet I sometimes have to take them shopping :( I can't measure feet if they aren't with me. Everything else I do online.

Guess I will eventually get use to other people's tutting and comments. As if I enjoy taking my kids places which they hate.

At least DD1 and DD2 adore shopping and are a dream to get shoes for.

Hopefully that will be the last shoe trip for a while.

[Stuffofawesome]

Shops are sensory nightmares. Too bright too hot too crowded too noisy. Sometimes it is too much for the brain to cope with.

[MrsPeabody]

My ds1 LOVES the shops. New shoes is treated with the same joy as me being given a spa weekend voucher Ds2 screams and cries to go home from entering the shop until leaving. I have no idea what I have done differently.

No advice, just lots of sympathy.

[Babieseverywhere]

I agree, I hate them myself. Lights are too bright, too many people, who stand too close but I don't know how else to get well fitting shoes.

[phoenixrose314]

Young (and prone to anxiety) children hate shopping because it is unpredictable. Young children primarily learn through repetition - which is why they drive us crazy doing the same thing and playing the same game and watching the same movie over and over again.

Shopping is unpredictable - every time you say "shopping" it means something different. Sometimes it's long, sometimes it's short. Sometimes it's loud, sometimes it's quiet. Sometimes they are required to interact (as in trying shoes on), sometimes they are not. It is the sheer unknown of it all that causes these meltdowns... You could try giving them a brief but clear description of exactly what the experience will consist of (not leaving anything out, or they will not believe you the next time!), and also distract and deflect when they are about to meltdown - give them a small toy or book to look at or hold, small cars or trains are great because they can wheel them just about anywhere without causing any fuss. And instead of focusing on their whinging/screaming, just calmly talk about the scene around you, i.e. "I can see you feel upset. Look at all the shoes - what colours can you see? I can see green and red ones."

Don't know if you've already tried all of this, but I hope it in some way helps!! And don't worry about the tutting and staring, they'll find out soon enough when it's their turn!

[Babieseverywhere]

Thanks MrsPeabody...I just feel so judged when the kids aren't happy.

[Toomanyworriedsonhere]

DD hated supermarkets as a baby and I think it was all sensory. She yelled most at the checkout - it made life really really difficult. Looking back I think it was the lighting in the whole shop and then the beeps etc at the checkout.

None of it was my fault/bad parenting!
Perhaps yours have sensory sensitivities too and you're not a bad parent!

[crunchyfrog]

Yesterday 9 year old DS1 sat on the floor in Tesco, hands over ears, and GROANED. DS2 (6) was screaming at his 11 year old sister as she dealt with his "need all the toys" meltdown.

We left with none of the things we needed. Solidarity!

(DS1 has HFA and can't handle supermarkets. DS2 was being bold.)

[Babieseverywhere]

DD3 is pretty much non verbal (repetitive phrases) and doesn't know colours or counting...or does not seem to know.. Therefore conversations are one sided and ignored.

I had her favourite toy with us and even a lolly I had in my pocket as a treat (in case of meltdowns) was ignored.

Just guess some days are going to be better and other worse and I am just going to had to deal with it.

One silver lining, DS seemed a bit frozen by his sisters behaviour and was muted by it.

[Babieseverywhere]

(((crunch frog)))

[phoenixrose314]

Sorry to keep on, but DD3 will become more verbal the more she is talked to - I know it's dull and repetitive for you, but it works. I have a Masters in Early Years education, and just feeling that you're listening to her and talking to her WILL help.

I'm that crazy mum who rabbits on at her kids as she walks around the shop and everyone looks at her like she's crazy - but on the plus side, my son is 2.2 months and knows his colours, can count to 13 and is speaking in almost complete sentences. Just give it a try - you're asking for advice but blowing off everyone's suggestions.... you need to have a little more faith in yourself as a parent.

[Ledkr]

Dd sees any shops as if they are a giant soft play areas. She literally takes off and RUNS.
Today in primark dh had a taste of it and was like this dd was sweating as she was so hyped up.
I just don't go, it's ridicukous.

[Babieseverywhere]

I do talk her (and her siblings) constantly. She might know numbers and colours as I am constantly singing and encouraging her...but very little come back.

She has a speech delay.
DS is offically poorly parented said Comm Paed. ..so no I have no confidence regarding DS and DD3 atm.
But I did the same attachment parenting with DD1 and DD2 and they are happy well behaved children.

[Heyho111]

Totally agree with stuff. Sensory overload - noisy. Crowded ,bright ,busy displays. In a buggy at knee level and restricted. Nightmare for some.

[MrsEvadneCake]

when we need to take the DC shopping then we go early. Get there as soon as the shop opens and before it gets busy/noisy. Where possible I make appointments for fittings etc so that we don't wait too long either. Both DS have sensory issues and it's easier to get done early. We also say where we are going, how long roughly we will be and can go back to the car.

I mostly shop online unsurprisingly!

[Babieseverywhere]

I usually avoid shops. I do food shopping online. I buy clothes from eBay.

I try and go to shops in the evening when DH is parenting the kids or during school day when three kids are at school. Leaving DD3 wuth a friend or my mum.

Will try to get to the shops first thing next time...should be quieter. Maybe take earmuffs or sunshades to reduce light and sound.

And only one child in the shoe shop at a time, so I can concentrate on that child.

[strawberryshoes]

You can buy foot measuring thingies online (just like the ones they use in Clarks)

www.clarks.co.uk/c/foot-measuring-gauge

Which was not the point of this thread, but I hope might be useful!

I agree, it is both unpredictable and a sensory overload, which sounds like a trigger for your youngest 2.

[Babieseverywhere]

Strawberryshoes, I could kiss you.

Buying a shoe gauge is a logical answer. I can measure their feet and go on my own to get the shoes to try on at home. Perfect...next payday.

[tostaky]

I order from amazon - much easier!

[themightyfandango]

Don't be harsh on yourself OP. I have 2 children I could take on marathon shopping trips happily and 2 that I would rather saw my own arm off than attempt even a short trip to Aldi with. If I didn't have the latter 2 I would no doubt wonder why some children struggle. Life experience really is the antidote to judgey pants!

[Mayor]

I had to buy a foot measuring thingy, measure DD's feet whilst she is asleep in bed (she has sensory processing disorder) and then order shoes online. She loves the fact the parcel arrives and the shoes (usually) magically fit. I normally order a couple of sizes as in Clarks you can return to store so I just take back the size that doesn't fit. She's more willing to try them on in her own time at home too.

[TheRainInTheWoods]

DS struggles really badly and like you we avoid wherever possible.

We used a social story for shoe shopping. We have another for the supermarket. They help a bit. He likes to wear a hat sometimes if we absolutely have to go. We can't use glasses easily as he wears hearing aids too and the hat can be pulled down over ears. He takes a cuddly toy often too and the toy behaves badly (often) and gets 'explained to' by DS.

And then, sometimes, it still all goes wrong and we end up leaving everything and making a very quick exit...

[UseHerName]

Poorly pArented?!what on earth did they say that to you for?! That's not gonna help

[Babieseverywhere]

Thanks for all the posts...Internet and stealth feet measuring sound the way to go.

It might not be helpful, but it was the Comm Paed honest opinion and camhs seem to think DS has attachment issues...cry me a river....but whatever the label I want him to worry less and be happier.

[Millie3030]

I heard another tip was to draw around their feet just on paper with a pen then take the drawing to the shop and measure that, as you can get length and width. And it's free!