Stranger danger

[Starsmum75]

My 2 children who are 5 & 4yrs old have just recently been allowed to play out on the front. So I started a chat with them one night about strangers, which I thought was going to be straight forward. Turns out that as little as they are, they still had my head all twisted by the end of the conversation. I mean wow is it just me, trying to explain to them what a stranger is. Also if they ever find themselves lost, where to go and who to ask for help. As if that wasn't bad enough, at the end of all that, my son says to me "but mum, strangers are not real are they? Just like monsters are not real?" HELP!!!

[lljkk]

Most kids are hurt by people in the family who they know very well. So stranger-danger is a bit of a red herring.

Maybe better to have rules like 'Don't go anywhere without mummy or your teacher' and
'Nobody can ever ask you to hurt yourself or another person'.

My kids understand that things get stolen (money, sweets, etc). And that there are bad people (yours watch TV and films, right?) I just told them that I don't want them stolen or hurt by the bad guys, so that's why they shouldn't go anywhere I don't know about.

[Ashbeeee]

Hello.
The nspcc website has some good stuff to look at that might help. I've put below the 3 simple rules we use(d) for our kids. They still recite them now when we go out (as a joke as they are 16 and 12...)
Sadly though danger for most kids comes from someone they know. . And because they are so young and won't have proper judgement skills for at least 10 years (really!) it's far safer to give them a really simple rules:

1. 'don't EVER go anywhere with ANYONE unless you have asked me first. Even if it's someone you know, or a friend, or a relative , you MUST ask mummy first. Every time. No exceptions. Mummy needs to know where you are.' Someone can always ring you and then hand over the phone to them to confirm that it's ok for them to go with you if the need ever arises.
   
   
2. And when you are out and about in crowded places 1) write your mobile no on their arm in biro and 2) if they get lost go to a woman with a buggy and say 'I've lost my mum can you call her plese to come and fetch me?' Mums with buggies tend to like kids and be safe.
   
   when I felt mine were old enough (as young as 5 for mine but every kid Is different) we chatted about how there are some people who can be horrible to children and try and hurt them or take them away from mummies and daddies (stressing not many of them though as most people nice). Then explained that if ever anyone tries to make them do something they feel is wrong, or to take them against their will they are to scream shout, kick, punch, bite, whatever they need to get away. Then run as fast as they can and hammer on someone's door - or to a person with a buggy.
   
   
3. Also drum into them that grown ups NEVER need to ask kids for directions from a car/van. There are plenty of grown ups to ask, so if someone beckons you over to a car saying 'can you help me?' Dont approach the car, say 'no I'll fetch my mum, she can help' and get away from there. If they are outside the house they should, go straight In taking younger sibling with them. And as they get older encourage them to note colour/make of car and any obvious features of the person asking.
   
   Re the 'strangers' thing. It's really hard for them because I think what we adults mean is someone creepy who seems like they are up to no good. So to help develop judgement I used to chat to random people on the bus, or reply when the slightly odd people would start to talk to us. And then After would ask the kids 'so what did you think of that man?' And they'd say 'a bit strange'. And I'd say 'yes I thought that too'. And then they start to learn what's normal and what's not - they build experinece in a safe way to help them use their judgement later on. Also builds empathy as they can start to recognise people with mental health issues, or learning difficulties and have a nice respectful way to converse with dignity.
   
   Hope this helps to empower your kids and let them play outside. It's a a fabulous freedom that all kids should have.

[Ashbeeee]

By the way the clumsy end to my post seemed to suggest that people with mental health problems etc were 'strange' and that's now what I meant.... ! We had lots of discussions about different types of people and the pRoblemns they wrestle with, to create understanding and empathy. The by-product is that your kids will be able to develop a gut feel of whether someone is odd/ill/eccentric or a creep to be avoided. Trust me they will be more canny than you expect!

[worldgonecrazy]

There is a video doing the rounds of a social experiment which took place in a park. Despite all the "stranger danger" warnings, children up to about the age of 12, still went off with a strange man, just because he had a cute little dog. I think it's hard to get into the mindset of children, they see the world very differently to the way we do.

I think we just need to remember that stranger danger is actually a much, much lower risk than non-stranger danger.

My own plan has been to encourage my daughter to have regular minor social interaction with strangers from a very young age (e.g. talking in the check out queue), in the hope that she begins to understand and empathise with what is normal and what isn't. We also have the "where to go for help" discussions regularly too.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

I've seen that video worldgonecrazy and it's scary stuff, particularly as it's exactly the kind of tactic paedophiles use.

Ds is 4, very confident, talks to everyone - so I'm watching with interest. We've encouraged him to be sociable so i don't want to scare the hell out of him as most people are in fact good, genuine people. And i come from a policing background so am well aware that the stanger danger message is misleading - Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman knew Ian Huntley and Maxine Carr. April Jones knew her killer. Most abuse happens within families and friendships. Sad but true.

We've just started by saying that if he's lost he should find a lady with children, or a man with children if he can't find a lady. And we tell him that he should never go anywhere with anyone without first telling dh and i. When he's playing with his cousins (who are a bit older) then they stay together at all times - nobody gets left behind. And that's it for now as at 4 i think it's all that's necessary because in most cases he's with us anyway. The warnings will get stronger as he gets older and goes off alone a bit more. We've also started explaining the difference between good and bad secrets and that if anybody touches him in a way he doesn't like he must tell us.