Really struggling with ds 4

[slightlyinsane]

My ds is 4 (5 in June) and I am at an all time low with his behaviour towards me.
He was a difficult baby with intolerances and was exceptionally clingy and required masses of attention. As he got older the attachment to me continued and by the age of 2 would only sleep in my bed 9 times out of 10 his head had to be touching mine. he was a handful for me but just lively and usual boundary pushing. At 2 1/2 we moved and I became a sahm which after a settling in period he started to calm down and sleep in his own bed. At 3 we finally got a referral for salt and he had 6 wkly blocks of input. The salt said he has disordered speech rather than a delay. fast forward to now and his behaviour towards me is shocking, he demands attention all the time, can't sit and do an activity on his own. He either has complete meltdowns when he doesn't get his own way or I ask him to wait a few minutes while I'm busy, or he turns round tells me he's doing it and then tries to do whatever he wants. His meltdowns usual consist of him screeching at me, trying to hit or kick me, throwing things, he's also had a few occasions where he's tried to tip his sisters pushchair over while we're walking. He still struggles with his speech which is having an impact on him at nursery, struggling to form friendships and preferring adult company/interaction over kids his own age.
I am at an absolute loss as to what to do with his behaviour as he is becoming increasingly difficult, I struggle to find any patience with him whatsoever these days, he knows this which makes everything worse. Rewards etc don't work, having 1 on 1 time with him makes no difference to how he is before or after. I Really can't cope with him much longer, I was woken up at stupid o'clock this morning with him hitting and kicking me because 1 of his blankets was in the washing machine. He new it was he'd put it in their and was fine with that because it was dirty and he likes it clean, he had his other blanket but still had a meltdown about it.
What can I do with him before I reach breaking point?

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

If he struggles with speech, do you think that could be a trigger for his frustration and anger? Is he seeing a speech therapist at all and have you had his hearing checked?

If he has intolerances, are you absolutely sure he's not reacting to something? I'm CMPI and I'm bloody vile if I'm having a reaction.

Can you get a break tomorrow? Is there someone who can take them both out for a couple of hours so that you can sleep, read or see a friend?

[slightlyinsane]

Thanks for replying. He has his salt assessment on Monday, was having blocks of sessions up until December, then we moved and he got lost in the system free! I'm hoping it's all linked to his speech but it's been going on so long I can't see the light at the end anymore. Hearing wise both myself and nursery think he's fine as he doesn't miss anything.
His intolerances were never officially diagnosed, long story about stupid gps etc, but going from the help and info I now have for my cmpi twins I think he's fully outgrown it.
Daddy is off tomorrow so its a family day and he'll behave better I am lucky in that my dad takes the big 3 for weekends quite regularly, which ds loves as he gets to use grandads tools.
It's just really hard finding anyway to handle him when he's being so difficult and aggressive towards me.

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

What do you do when he is violent?

[slightlyinsane]

I've tried ignoring, removing, telling him we don't hit etc and he'll just carry on until he's got it out of his system. He's not fussy where he does it, if I've forgotten his scooter for nursery pick up he can do it all the way home

[odyssey2001]

Sorry to be blunt, but have you spoken to your GP about a paediatrician referral to investigate autism? You're SALT may also have an opinion on this matter as S&L issues are quite common with ASD.

[slightlyinsane]

Odyssey thanks for the bluntness. I Have been looking into various things, admittedly only on Google but then I stop and tell myself he's fine and it's just me that needs to change the way I handle him because he can behave for others. Definitely going to be having a very honest chat with salt tomorrow.

[Crazyqueenofthecatladies]

Another one thinking intolerances are playing a role here, once the reaction flips from acute to chronic (normally in first year to 18 months), so many parents seem to think their kids are fixed when in actual fact their symptoms have just changed. Behavioural issues, especially focus, temper and empathy, seem to be the strongest indicators of food allergies in older kids. Dd turns into a fighty space cadet if she eats dairy now, whereas when she was small it was reflux, screaming, blue baby episodes and eczema. Df and sf trials could be a real eye opener.

[slightlyinsane]

Thanks crazy, I really do think he's outgrown it, he like his older sister and younger 2 have all been gut reactions to things, so was a screaming baby etc and had a fairly dairy free diet until 2 1/2 ish when things were nearly ok and moved on to Cows milk etc. I need to speak to my twins dietitian so I'll ask her opinion, thanks. Seen as I'm doing df and sf for twins he can join in for now, just milk that would be a battle he loves huge amounts of cereal and milk

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

I really do think it's worth going dairy and sf for a while.

[Crazyqueenofthecatladies]

I bet he wouldn't notice or mind if you swapped milk for Koko milk, my non df son has it and likes it alot, plus its fortified. Ask the dietician but also do your own research, medics still really are so variable in their knowledge on intolerances, I've had some shocking advice for DD from some of them. But yes just because it was only gut based in the past doesn't mean it can't now be affecting behaviour. In many instances children simple learn to live with the constant feeling of heartburn and tummy pain, but what a surprise, they are super grumpy, have problems concentrating and dealing with emotions. As do I if my tummy hurts like hell.

[BertieBotts]

Don't rule out ASD/etc because he can behave for others. Poltergoose is much better at explaining this than me but it's very common for children struggling with issues such as this to "hold it in" for other people, situations etc (commonly school or nursery for example) but then react much worse at home. If you seem to have a jekyll/hyde child who is perfectly behaved at school but a total nightmare at home this is a symptom, especially since you have other children who are presumably not as challenging as he is? And plus you said that some things got significantly better when you became a SAHM and hence he was spending less time outside of the house having to moderate himself. It's that thing where people say "Oh but it's a good thing because it shows he feels safe with you!" (reassuring, huh?!) except in extreme if you like. I believe the term is "masking" if you want to google it.

The intolerance could indeed be something to look into too. But speak to the SALT about ASD.

[Crazyqueenofthecatladies]

There's also evidence of an overlap between ASD and food intolerances. Not necessarily cause and effect, although behaviour is exacerbated if the offending foods are left in the diet, however there's definitely a link.

[slightlyinsane]

Thanks for all the input. Salt identified all areas of concern with his speech pretty quickly so that's a plus. She is also going to get the educational psychologist involved to help with behaviour and transition to school. Now need to work on diet before I look at the next step

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

That is all positive news

[odyssey2001]

I'm so glad things are moving forward. Good luck with those next steps.