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Behaviour/development

Feel so low, 7 year DS so rude, unkind, gives nothing good back.

12 replies

Pattymc1 · 24/04/2015 19:47

He has been demanding since forever and it gets me down as I worry about his future. He has not been diagnosed with anything but he definitely has ADD tendencies and although bright and switched on he is immature emotionally and can be unlikeable and alienate peers by being unkind or just always wanting his own way. He has so many good moments and when he's on form he is great company but when he's not he is so rude and I don't want to be around him. Now is younger brother is copying behaviour I feel I have lost my kids! Makes me more distant and I get depressed about it. Wish I could rise above it and stop criticising but I can't ignore such rudeness can I? Anyone else able to empathise? Xx

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lastlines · 24/04/2015 21:53

Yes, very able to sympathise. I think a lot of them go through a very rude phase at that age (and again in their teens.)

I used to say: 'That sounds rude. I only listen when you speak nicely.' Or I'd ignore them if they demanded something until they said please. If they get what they want from you more easily when they are polite, then they'll catch on quickly for an easy life.

The main thing that helps you stay in control is not to lose your temper, I found. Also, when you do catch him being nice or polite, show a lot of admiration and appreciation. They like that.

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holeinmyheart · 24/04/2015 22:21

A Seven year old is far too young to rationalise, as in, ' if I am nice and polite and do as Mummy says, she will like me more.
Your son is responding with raw emotion to the world as he is experiencing it.
What is happening to you is very hard. Bringing up small children is very demanding and tiring. When we are tired, perhaps we are not as patient as we could be, if we had had lots of sleep etc.

You sound so fed up and exasperated with your DS. You don't sound as though you like him much. ( I am not suggesting that you don't love him) He may not understand why, but he will feel your feelings about him.

If when he talks, you turn away, or you don't smile, or encourage him and you are constantly snappy and are constantly criticising him etc, He will gradually shut down. If he can't get something from you, he may be naughty as at least it is getting a reaction.

There is no way that I am suggesting you are a bad Mother either, because you have posted on Mumnet, so you know that something isn't right. Sometimes we just can't see the wood for the trees.

I know when I was young Mum I got very tired and sometimes I felt like throttling my children and on occasion I did not behave well.

The more miserable I felt the worse my children seemed to behave.
Take some deep breaths, count ten in the face of bad behaviour, praise anything and everything positive that he does, try not to shout or appear aggressive towards him.

Plan nice things to do together and see if your positive efforts over the next two or three weeks make any difference to his behaviour.

He is the child and you are the adult. You are the only one really who can make a difference to this situation.

You also do sound a bit depressed and as though you feel that things are escalating out of your control. So do you think you might be ?

You don't mention any DP or anyone who would help you and the Dcs to have some fun together.
Hugs

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twainiac · 24/04/2015 22:35

I totally empathise, completely. But I'm afraid I have no advice - we are going though the same and it's really soul destroying. Mine has 'autistic traits' as a diagnosis, so I try to cut him a bit of slack accordingly, but I feel miserable lots of the time.
Sorry, hope it gets better for you.

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Variousrandomthings · 24/04/2015 22:44

Gratitude. Find things to genuinely thank and praise him for. Find things you like about him and dwell on those. Make him feel liked because he can tell you don't like him.

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Variousrandomthings · 24/04/2015 22:45

And make sure your behaviour is a good example to him.

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Pattymc1 · 25/04/2015 13:16

Thank you everyone I really appreciate all the advice and never take it the wrong way. Holeinmyheart you hit the spot many times and yes I think he can just read my facial expressions and see and sense my distaste in his attitude poor thing! Also the point about him only being 7 it's so true. Yes he knows right and wrong but ultimately he expresses his emotions there and then and is uncapable of holding back.
It is such a help to hears other mums stories and advice and just knowing I am not alone.

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holeinmyheart · 25/04/2015 22:13

Aw, we have all been there.
I don't think a Seven year knows the difference between right and wrong because they can't really comprehend the consequences of their actions.

i know I love my DCs more than myself but on occasion I have been so furious with them that I have felt antipathy towards them.
Mainly when they were teenagers and I felt they should understand cause and effect.
However, as the got even older I think they have turned into really nice people.

Your children grow up so quickly, it seems as though the miserable waking up in the night stage, tantrums, unreasonable behaviour ( they are actually just being children) etc, will last forever, when you are in the thick of it.

It actually goes by in a flash. If you treat your children as you would like to be treated yourself, with respect and patience, you can't go far wrong.
They will repay you in shedloads when they are older.

They will remember a unhappy childhood. They may not remember the EXACT WORDS but they will remember the feeling.

Please don't give yourself any cause to regret how you behaved. What is happening NOW is your one go at being a good parent.
There is no going back and doing it again.
Hugs

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Pattymc1 · 28/04/2015 04:00

Thanks so much for the words of wisdom, I think you should write a book. I have just been making that extra effort to talk to him about things I know will interest him and it's making a difference already. I forget his world is so far from mine, he doesn't want to talk about what he had for lunch, he's still obsessed with making camps, trampolines, dinosaurs and cellotape!! Patience and kindness that's what I keep reminding myself xx

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holeinmyheart · 28/04/2015 05:34

Well thank you. I remember my childhood as there was nowhere to go for comfort and love.
I wouldn't want any child to have experienced what I experienced.

Honestly, any kindness towards your little boy will be rewarded. After all you are giving him by your actions a great start in life, which a happy childhood.
It will enable him to face the world and its challenges with confidence, if he knows you are at his back protecting him.

Shouting , bullying, sneering, impatience, lack of respect towards him has the double edged sword of you also knowing that you shouldn't be behaving like that towards him, as it is wrong.

You sound like a good Mum. Take care of each other. Xx

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fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 28/04/2015 06:34

Do you mean ASD traits?

someone else mentioned them anyway.

If so..he will not learn good behaviour so easily and you will need to explain and teach it a bit more than other kids. He won't just absorb it and learn by modelling it.

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fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 28/04/2015 06:35

I mean things that are obviously bad to do might not be so obvious to him?

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Bettercallsaul1 · 28/04/2015 11:09

What lovely (and helpful) posts, holeinmyheart!

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