3yr old having major toilet issues since arrival of little brother

[raveydavey]

Hello MNers,

I'm new here, so go easy on me! I hope someone can offer some advice as my DP and I are at the end of our tether.

I'm a dad of two boys aged 3 1/2 & 1. Our eldest has been playing up with using the toilet ever since we had our second child a year ago. Before the baby he was going fine by himself; flushing, washing his hands, turning the light off etc no problems. He is normally a very independent child.

Soon after our 2nd DS arrived though his behavoir deteriorated, and this was most marked by starting to refuse to go for a wee. Over the summer months our routine is quite erratic, so it was hard to get him settled into using the toilet in our caravan, which we spend a lot of time in with my work at festivals.

When we came back home at the end of August though, he was suddenly fine again, going by himself at nursery and at home, and only asking for help when he needed a No.2. But things started going downhill again and by Christmas, and ever since, virtually every wee is turning into a battle.

The doc says there is nothing physically wrong, and most people we speak to say it is a matter of control. It affects me more than my partner, as when he reluctantly agrees to go it has to be with me, and when he won't go it is me who has to drag him kicking and screaming until he does it.

It is now affecting our lives quite a bit - days out are a nightmare and he is causing a lot of disruption with his very patient nursery. If anyone asks him why he doesn't want to go he will list any number of nonsensical reasons ranging from a spec of dirt, the wee smells, there's a monster in the toilet, I'm not standing in the right place. Correct one issue and he will find another. This will continue until patience breaks down on both sides and we have an argument.

We've already been through various tactics of withholding treats, rewards, being cross, being not cross, letting him wee on the floor, putting him back in nappies (he hates that particularly), warning him he'll get poorly, telling him we can't go to fun places etc etc. He just seems resigned to it.

Also, we are trying to give him as much attention as possible - but it's not always possible as I'm sure you all know.

Sorry to waffle on - just want to give the whole picture. As well as our excellent nursery we've taken advice from knowledgeable friends, family and various mainstream and alternative health practitioners, but everyone is out of ideas. Thanks for your time!

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

Poor you and poor him. I'm no expert but regression on the birth of another baby seems totally normal for me. It sounds like this is what coukd have happened initially, then it seems to have turned into a battle of wills, do you think that could be right?

I'd start again, as if he isn't potty trained and try to forget the phase where he was doing it.

See if your library has got a copy of this book. It's not prescriptive, rather gives confidence from other people's stories and some tips. I found it really useful.

how about buying a couple of potties and keeping one in the too with him at all times? Often toddlers don't like to leave the room to use the toilet.

Peer pressure worked with my DS too. Bothers was a boy who was 2 years older in our street and my DS absolutely adored him. We talked about what a big boy he was, didn't wear nappies, didn't have accidents and used the toilet like a big boy.

Another thing you could do is to give him a sticker every time he uses the potty. Keep some treats in, they don't have to be expensive, and once he has 10 stickers, give him a treat.

I'd also let him chose his potties and take him out on a big boy shopping trip to chose his big boy pants. Once my 2 had "big pants" they really didn't want to get them went. Try to take him on the shopping trip without your other child and tell him how nice it is to be shopping for big boy pants with him, because he's a big boy now.

[BarbarianMum]

Been there, done that, with ds2 (though for sligtly different reasons).

This is what works (although not what comes naturally):

Ignore, downplay, ignore.

^^My friend, who had similar with her oldest dd when she had dd2, told me that but it was about a year before I was prepared to try it. Like you, I'd tried loads of stuff first and a problem became a big problem.

It's about control. You can't make him do this but you can stop giving him lots of attention for doing it. So:

-stop reminding him to go to the loo/asking him to go to the loo/dragging him to the loo (fine to accompany him if he asks you )

-act (and it is an act) as if you couldn't be less bothered when he has an accident (be very bored about it -ok go change then). No reaction at all.

-get him to do as much of the changing/cleaning up as is reasonable for his age

-no punishments for accidents (you'll get a lot for a while)

-no rewards for clean/dry days

-a bit of positivity if he asks for the loo (but don't go over the top)

-lots of positive attention at other times (and don't lose it when he has an accident in the middle of having a good time with you).

-take lots and lots of changes of clothes out and about with you.

-get your dh/nursery and everybody else on board with this.

-don't talk to him about him going to the toilet at all. Ever.