8 year old's behaviour just getting worse...

[pinkpip100]

Hi, my ds2 is 8. He has always been the most challenging of my 4 children behaviour wise, his tantrums persisted well past toddlerhood and he has always had a volatile temper. He pushes boundaries, questions rules, hates losing and can be rude and aggressive, particularly towards us and his older brother. He is also loving, helpful and loves positive attention. His behaviour has been a pain at times but usually manageable, particularly if DH and I have stuck to consistent 'positive parenting' techniques rather than backing him into a corner (not literally) with punishment/time out etc. We do have family rules, agreed by all of us, and are very clear about our expectations and any consequences of not following the family rules. DH is more inclined to have fixed consequences so we also use a 'yellow card' system which results in loss of screen time if 3 yellow cards are given.
However, over the past 2-3 months his negative behaviour has been escalating, and, particularly over the last 2-3 weeks, it seems to be totally out of control. Dealing with and/or trying to prevent his aggressive and antagonistic behaviour is hugely dominating family life at the moment, which isn't fair on the others, and I feel like the moments of 'good' behaviour are few and far between. Oddly he hasn't, so far, shown any signs of misbehaving at school. I waver between thinking that he must be really unhappy about something and that is making him behave like this, to worrying that there may be more to it (ADHD maybe? Or something else?). And at other times I think that we're dealing with it badly and that is making things worse. It's really upsetting me and I don't really know what to do next. Any advice or experience on how to deal with it would be very gratefully received. Sorry for such a mammoth post.

[AuntieDee]

Have you considered that a bright child will have worked out the yellow card system? He knows he can be bad twice without any consequence...

[pinkpip100]

Thanks for your reply Auntiedee - the 2 yellow cards are more like 'warnings' - a reminder of the rules and the chance for them to change that particular behaviour. I agree that it probably isn't the best system but am also a bit wary of switching around too much...any alternative suggestions welcomed.

[Andro]

Can you sit down with him when he's calm and ask him?

You have 4 DC, are any of them going through a phase where they're meedin more support? If soi he might be acting out for attention.

[pinkpip100]

Andro, we had a surprisingly calm evening so I spoke to him about it tonight. He did talk about the amount of time I spend looking after dd2, who is 20 months old and has a disability, so maybe he is feeling a bit left out. I try so hard to spread my time (and energy) between them all, as does DH when he's around, but I guess dd2's needs are more immediate and so get prioritised.

[Andro]

Can I suggest then that you take a look on the an boards? The 'goose and carrot' threads are a great place for a bit of a rant/vent/advice/moral support or even just being heard. Some of the people on those boards have experience balancing the needs of more than one child, when a sibling has sn.

Also, does his school have a good pastoral care set up? Your son might find it beneficial to know that there's another adult he can talk to.

[pinkpip100]

Thanks Andro, I hadn't thought of looking on the SN boards for advice about the impact on siblings, I guess because dd2 is still so little and I felt like we were 'coping' with her additional needs. I haven't involved school at all yet, ds2 is so well behaved there and they have no idea there's an issue. It's parents evening next week so I'll chat to his teacher then and see what her view is - he also mentioned some friendship issues so maybe that's contributing to his unhappiness.
Thanks again for your advice.

[Kleinzeit]

Sometimes kids can start to get out of hand at home because the demands of school have increased and they are finding it harder to keep up academically or socially; they manage to keep it in at school but when they get home they're really on edge and fly off at the least thing. If his teacher seems understanding it might be a helpful to speak to her and see if the pressure has gone up there at all. (My DS is an only so I can't advise on balancing the needs of different sibs.)

[pinkpip100]

Thanks Kleinzeit, he is in Y3 and the school had a not brilliant Ofsted last year so there has definitely been a raising of expectations academically - I guess he could be feeling the pressure a bit ... I will sound his teacher out at parents eve next week.

[Southwestmum9]

Wow, when I read your post I thought you were talking about my DD2 (also 8yrs old). Exactly the same behavior, fine at school. However, like you the behavior has escalated recently and last week she got into her first fist fight! It was an accident, but she thought it was deliberate be cause "He's a boy". She is also continually complaining of tiredness despite 12 hours sleep at night. Do you think our kids could be dealing with pre-hormones? I've heard this can occur in kids around 7yrs+, before the real thing kick in.

[pinkpip100]

Southwestmum, I wondered about hormones. I keep panicking that if he's like this now, what on earth will he be like at 13/14? Hope your dd has a good week - I'm trying to take one day at a time at the moment and stay as positive as I can.

[HopSkipCrash]

There are so many threads on here about eight year old boys! I love ours dearly - he is a third child that nearly didn't happen, I am so pleased we have him - but bloody hell, he pushes the boundaries. We have two older boys - it does get easier .

[pinkpip100]

Thanks Hopskipcrash

[lynniep]

Sounds like mine. He turned 8 last week. He is just really really hard work right now. (actually he's always been quite hard work, but at the moment its constant)
He really hates and resents his 5yo brother, which does not help (think horrid henry/perfect peter scenario). He is rebelling big time, against something (rules - only being allowed a certain number of minutes on the tablet?) and is just downright nasty with the things he says and does. He refuses to do anything at home, unless its watching 'stampy' or playing games on the tablet, xbox, which means there is a lot of time where he isn't doing anything but whingeing.
We try and take him out on his own at the weekend, on his bike or just for a walk and he enjoys than (once he's doing it) but during the week its not really an option. I also try and cuddle him as often as I can rather than constantly nag him but you do have to ask him to do something a million times.
He's ok at school. He doesn't pay attention in class but he is bright and when he knows what he is supposed to be doing he's quicker at it than most.
Sorry to hijack your post. DS1 is just so negative. About everything and everyone and it brings everyone down.