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Behaviour/development

Sensitive daughter - Mean Friend

13 replies

GlasgowParent · 10/02/2015 11:11

My daughter who is 6 has been friends with a neighbour's daughter and they are both in the same school, she is also aged 6.

Their relatiosnhip tends to be that the friend knows what buttons to push with my daughter and at times, in front of us, goes out her way to upset her, our wee one is getting better at dealing with it, but it's as if this other girl has some kind of hold on her.

Recently at school assembly we went to watch our daughter's class do a performance where they all said poems, sang and danced to various songs. The neighbours daughter was in the front row whispering, pointing and laughing at the kids who were all up performing. Most ignored them, but true to form our daughter noticed and then seemed to fade from the performance as, on asking her afterwards, they made her feel sad that they were laughing at them all.

What struck me as well was that when the 2 wee girls were acting like this, they actively turned to seek myself and my partner out to see if we were watching, before whispering and laughing again.

Now, I think the behaviour is pretty strange for 6 year olds, particularly the latter paragraph. However, my conundrum is, how do I encourage my daughter to ignore them as she has plenty of other friends but seems to always want to be accepted/please these other 2.

Help!

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ppeatfruit · 10/02/2015 11:49

Oh this is so sad Sad I can remember children like this at my school I guess it happens everywhere.

Maybe talk to the class teacher about it. (i was an EY teacher) and we used to do 'role play' with the class and discuss certain situations and make it clear that we did NOT treat others in this way.

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GlasgowParent · 10/02/2015 12:31

Thank you for that advice.

I was thinking of approaching the class teacher (my own daughter's as they are in the same primary but different classes) at parents evening, if not before.

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ppeatfruit · 10/02/2015 12:50

Yes (I would go before the parents evening, to give you more time) or even the head teacher should be concerned.

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SweetieXPie · 21/02/2015 23:09

I know this is a few weeks old, just wanted to say I feel your pain.
My 6 year old is very sensitive and gets upset if one of her friends looks at her the wrong way.
One of her best friends from last year decided this year she doesn't like her and only seems to want to be friends with her every now and then and it has taken my DD a few months to get used to and ignore, it took a lot of discussion on our part at home to try to teach her to ignore it and realise that there are 25 plus other children in the class.
Very very hard for them, you just want to pull the offending child to one side and times to tell them how nasty they are being Hmm
I hope you LO feels better soon, hopefully she settles with a good group of friends and learn to ignore this child x

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fizzycolagurlie · 22/02/2015 03:30

I agree with the advice you've been given and I think it may be a good idea to phase this friendship out - and new ones in.

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GlasgowParent · 24/02/2015 11:14

Thankyou very much for the additional advice and yes, it does feel sometimes that you want to pull the offending chidl aside, but that's something I'd never act on.

Thankfully the friendship/need to for our wee one to play with the other seems to be diminishing as she has other friends who, they will always have their wee daft arguments, but aren't going out their way to be mean to each other, which is a good thing.

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Noggie · 24/02/2015 11:19

Girls can be so horrid! Your poor dd- I don't think she is being sensitive- the other girl's behaviour is just awful!
Definitely mention the assembly to your dd teacher outside if a parents eve- I'm a teacher and would want to know ASAP- also p eve should be about your daughters progress etc not another child's behaviour. Hope things improve soon and your dd spends more time with other , more fun children x

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Aerfen · 24/02/2015 17:15

Why not discuss this with your daughter and try to find out why she even wants to be friends with this girl?
Having said that I think the other girl must have some unhappiness gnawing at her that makes her feel the need to be so spiteful. Could she be jealous of your daughter? Is your daughter in the class she was hoping to be in perhaps, with other little girls who your neighbours daughter prefers to the girls in her own class maybe? These are all points that your daughter may be aware of if you draw her attention to them.

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GlasgowParent · 26/02/2015 11:33

Aerfen,

On a few incidents before I/we have spoken to our daughter and asked why she wanted to be friends with her if she doesn't make her happy? She seems to listen and agree, and although is getting better, it still seems she has to be friends with her as she pretty much wants to be friends with everyone.

As I said in my OP with regards to the assembly she felt sad afterwards which was horrible to hear. I know that the girl in question, and the other one who were acting up at the assembly have been in trouble at school before for making other girls cry (not my daughter) in school. (This has come via her Mother who is our neighbour) so there is history of them being mean.

I'm not sure if she would be jealous, and hadn't really thought of it like that, but I just think she has a 'streak' in her and knows how to push people's buttons.

It's a conundrum, but foremost I want to protect my daughter but can;t fight her battles for her, so will continue to encourage her to play with her numerous other friends and generally chat about coping mechanisms if 'other' kids are mean.

It's pretty hard (although wonderful) being a parent, and this is her only 6.....Smile Shock Smile

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Rocadaboyce · 26/02/2015 11:52

I was just about to post a very similar scenario. My DD is slightly younger though. I am interested in any advice as how to boister DD's confidence and let her know that this kind of treatment is not kind or acceptable. i have found that her teacher just sees it as a normal social interaction and since there is very little that I can do to stop it when she is at school I want to teach her some coping strategies but feel a little lost as to how. I don't think that it is just a girl thing though, it is jostling for power and the quieter kids are often easy prey.

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Rocadaboyce · 26/02/2015 11:53

sorry for hijack but your post really resonated with me.

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GlasgowParent · 26/02/2015 12:06

Rocadaboyce,
Not at all, hijack away, as if advice will help it's best shared.

The angle we have taken is to encourage our daughter to make as many friends as she wants and play with the ones that make her happy, which she has done. I think there is always a need to be accepted by the 'stronger' (although they are weaker in a sense) kids and that's where we are at.

To bolster confidence and indeed to meet new wee pals enrolling in dancing/singing and things like Tae Kwan Do will help and the latter will give her great confidence.

The crux is trying to encourage them to not accept the meanies, but have the confidence to stick up for themselves by not bothering with them.

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Aerfen · 27/02/2015 01:02

"The crux is trying to encourage them to not accept the meanies, but have the confidence to stick up for themselves by not bothering with them"

Exactly. As soon as the 'victim' no longer wants to be accepted by the bully but simply goes off with others then the impact of the bully is lost.

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