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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

What do you do tell them to do when the walking away doesnt work???

27 replies

stoppinattwo · 21/10/2006 17:56

DS has had 4 fights in the last two days. with the same two boys, this has been building up over the last 12 months. The reason for the fights is that he is sick of walking away. And i feel I have to agree with him. These lads just chivvy and name call, barge and wind him up. DS is clever, sporty and is by no means your text book bullies target but he does walk away and it takes a lot for him to blow his top. But the fuse is getting shorter and i am afraid that these boys will get a nasty shock if they dont stop tormenting him. What can i do???

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TwigTwoolett · 21/10/2006 17:58

I think you could tell him that fighting is for the weak of mind

that no matter what the provocation fighting debases him as an individual and brings him down to their level and he's much better than that

and as he walks away he should sneer at them inwardly because they're just idiots with low IQs who will never go anywhere in life .. and one day they'll be asking him if he 'wants fries with that'

stoppinattwo · 21/10/2006 18:00

It is so hard not to want to wipe the smiles off their faces, DS gets angry with me when i tell him to ignore them. They are such cheeky little B's

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Spidermama · 21/10/2006 18:00

I think you should let nature take his course, let his blow his top and hit one of them. OK he'll get into trouble but they'll probably leave him alone in future.

Spidermama · 21/10/2006 18:01

My dd is in a similar situation. I want her to know she has my blessing if she wants to retaliate, even if she doesn't have the blessing of the teachers.

stoppinattwo · 21/10/2006 18:02

Twig, you are right he is better than that, thankyou, but it is so hard to tell a 7 yr old that, they dont understand. I dont know many men who understand, and with all the violence on footie pitches (as this is where most of the bullying happens) they follow by example

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stoppinattwo · 21/10/2006 18:03

I knwo spidermama maybe one good clout will do the trick, I am so divided.

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TwigTwoolett · 21/10/2006 18:03

oops .. thought he was older than 7

think you should tell school and let them deal with it

DominiConnor · 21/10/2006 18:15

Sooner or later you have to make sure that your child picks the right fights, and also that he wins.

It's good to teach your kids that violence is not the preferred option, but bindly sticking to the "walk away" line, risks them seeing you as out of touch, and alienating them.

Take a holistic view, teach how to avoid conflict, but include how to deal with failure.

The tactical situation when being "barged" is awful. Not only will DS probably lose because of bieng outnumbered, but also if he wins the others will probably lie against him.

Thus the optimum is probably to take out the ringleader (or some random member of the group), and hurt him. A sudden unprovoked and determined attack can be very effective.
DS needs to make the target understand that whatever happens, and whoever does it, that next time he will come for him and it will be worse.
If the other side escalate, then he needs to repeat the process (after taking some lumps), but with more vigour.

stoppinattwo · 21/10/2006 18:37

Sooner or later you have to make sure that your child picks the right fights, and also that he wins.

That is exactly the point. dont try and win every situation learn which are the ones that count. Thankfully atm DS has a reputation for being quite chilled, but i can see a change in him. If he came home and told me he had floored a particular individual, I would hope that would be an end to it and i wouldnt repremand him too much even if the school did, although i wouldnt publicly undermine the school ethos.

Thankyou DC you put it so well

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TwigTwoolett · 22/10/2006 10:22

not at 7

stoppinattwo · 23/10/2006 16:23

I think it depends on the child twig, and the environment.

Our primary school is quite a tough school with 200+ kids in it. I do think they need to have a bit about them, to not become overwhelmed. There is a very diverse group of children some with tougher upbringing than others.

DS is still a little boy, he comes home and plays dinosaurs etc etc. But i have since september, seen a tougher little boy - think going into jnrs has changed some of them a bit.

In another area with another child maybe 7 would be too young, but DS is very understanding and very tolerant, if he carries on walking away he will not walk away from the problem. it will follow him. I know that being able to walk away is what sets us apart from a pack of animals, but some of these children dont understand this. DS needs to put the ringleader down. He could do this easily but ATM he chooses not to, but it is getting worse, this weekend has seen more incidents - each time he is finding it harder to turn the other cheek. I have told him to pick his battles carefully and that he does have my blessing to put this horror on his bum once and for all.

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Tortington · 23/10/2006 16:31

depending on the circumstances. i would tell my ds the next time it happened to make sure he twatted them so good they dont come back for more.

yes i am serious.

stoppinattwo · 23/10/2006 16:50

lol, is twat a verb, i always thought it was a noun

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Tortington · 23/10/2006 16:56

i twat
you twat
he twats
she twats
we twat
they twat

they have been twatted

stoppinattwo · 23/10/2006 17:06

it is a very versatile word indeed, dont think I'll be teaching DS it just yet.

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VanillaMilkshake · 23/10/2006 19:42

I was bullied as a child, and was a typical bullies target, had an older single parent, overweight, not the trendiest clothes etc...Things are going to be so different for my DC's - but that's a different story.

The girl who bullied me was....exactley the same, and before we ended up at the same school we had been good friends as we shared a hobby.

I walked away from her all the time, got doors slammed on me, pushed in mud, lunch thrown on the floor. She was pretty horrible, but because she was mouthy where I was meek I had the sympathy vote from lads in my class - who took the p**s out of her, but the other girls - the ones who had it all just laughed at both of us.

One day she was bullying me in class and I had had all I could take, so as she stood behind me calling names etc I tunred in my seat and punched her really hard in the stomach. After that she left me alone.

I dont condone violence - but your son has to show them he's more than capable of playing the bullies at thier own game. After which they should be thankfull he doesnt decide to pursue them indefinatley. And if these bullies are at school it might be worth giving the teachers a 'heads up' that your son is reaching a turning point in his attitude towards them.

Good luck X

brennan · 24/10/2006 07:22

Unfortunately your son is being pushed towards blowing his fuse .let him deal with the situation ,he sounds quite capable,even though he is only 7.I would also talk to class teacher ,perhaps trying to do that first.It's awful to have this kind of problem so early on in their school lives ,but bullies always should be confronted.

kittythescarygoblin · 24/10/2006 07:57

Stoppinattwo, it seems as if you son is taking matters into his own hands and dealing with it as he feels he should. Good on him.

My son is having problems with a child at school, lots of very underhand stuff that the teachers can't see. (bullying nearly always is)
We have tried the 'proper' channels and are giving it a shot with the head after half term. If that doesn't work ( and I suspect that it won't) I've told him he can punch the kid if he wants.
The look of relief on his face was immense. He went from a dejected child feeling powerless and victimised to one feeling strong and in conrtol. I hope he doesn't have to do this, but if he does I've a hunch that the bullying will stop and ds will have our full backing.
I really hope your brave son manages to get some peace soon, good luck.

stoppinattwo · 26/10/2006 07:53

Thanks for all the encouragement.

Bullying is such a worry, I dont even know if i can class this as bullying, I know i refered to bullies in my first post, maybe they are. It just seems to be a chastising mentality, I absolutley hate it!. It is something you may find between siblings (when they are trying to wind each other up) Some of them don't have the mentality, or ability to play fair, nicely but competitively.
Good sportsmanship seems to have gone out of the window. Good frienship not far behind. Innocence was right up there at the front.
It is such a shame. Luckily DS is big and strong enough that he can stick up for himself and his friends, god knows what he would do if he was a bit weedy or quiet.

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kittythescarygoblin · 26/10/2006 08:08

stoppinattwo, bullying can take many, many forms

stoppinattwo · 26/10/2006 09:42

IKWYM i just dont like to think of him being bullied

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Skribble · 26/10/2006 09:52

I think with boys especially sometimes they just have to stand up to them physicaly, (girls its often more verbal), a twatting may be involved or not. My DS was in a similar situation and I made sure he knew that if it came to that the teachers might punish him but that although its not really acceptable that I would understand in this situation.

ginmummy · 26/10/2006 09:54

How about a clever retort? Maybe something like "your breath smells like knobcheese - use some Listerene?" kind of thing.

I trust you'd come up with something a little more appropriate than that, but you get the gist. Achilles heels are good starting points.

I was bullied mercilessly by one boy at school until my sister suggested I call him 'wingnut', whereupon he stopped. I didn't actually know what the word meant (something to do with big ears apparently) but it did the trick as that was obviously his weak point. Another boy used to tease me about having started my periods and he stopped when I asked him if he'd grown any hair on his balls yet (that one was my own at the tender age of 10).

Skribble · 26/10/2006 13:15

We Gave DS lots of cracking lines to use.

We also taught him a few basic self defense tactics in case things did get physical, DH is trainer in this and I have a had training, so we know what works we are not talking kick boxing, or jujitsu BTW.

castlesintheair · 26/10/2006 13:37

I'm not a fan of any violence but like some of the other posters, I believe a one-off physical retaliation can work for boys. I was bullied relentlessly at primary school by both boys & girls. I was about the same age as your DS when about 10 older boys surrounded me when I was cycling along the road. They tried to push me off my bike and one of them had a flick-knife. Something went "ping" in my head and I thumped the one with the knife in the face, did a wheelie and tore off through the middle of the pack sending them flying! I never had any hassle from any boys for the rest of my time at primary school, in fact, I think they were a bit in awe of me and even "liked" me. For girls it is an entirely different matter and something I just had to put up with. This isn't a problem for your DS though and I really wish him and you luck in resolving this IMO PITA journey through childhood.

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