4 year old won't get dressed!

[AppleSnapple]

Hi! I have a lovely 4yo ds who is generally good, kind and lovely etc but he does know how to push my buttons and morning dressing is an issue currently. He is at school so we have a definite time issue in the morning- he sees me getting ds2 dressed and wants me yo dress him too. He is WELL able to dress himself but just won't- often ending in tears (mostly his, although I've been close, tears of rage on my part though!!) and ridiculously, to get us out the door on time I often end up dressing him, while hating my inconsistent parenting and berating him for acting like a baby!

I know, when the red mist descends, I need to step back, and walk away, but leaving him makes no difference- he just won't do it. I have made threats, tried bribes, reasoned with him etc but he knows when it comes down to it I will capitulate, because I have to!

I am currently drawing up a reward chart as he us generally responsive to those, although we currently have (a very successful) one on the go at the moment for his reading so I'm not too sure that he will be able to focus on 2 separate charts.

I'm desperate thoufh. It's starting the day on the wrong foot, then I stop him off, I feel guilty for getting cross.... Etc. Any suggestions short of sending him to school in his PJs? I dont think I'm quite desperate enough for that ... yet ....!!

[Elysianfields]

Send him to school in pjs!

I would shove a bag of clothes in the car, then take him to school, and either wait while he dresses in the car or send him in with the bag depending on your relationship with the school.

I only had to do it once....

I am sure there are kinder ways but they are ususlly hard to implement ar 830 in the morning!

[ElleOhElle]

I feel your pain but have no advice I'm afraid, hoping someone comes along with a genius suggestion
DD is 4 in a couple of months and is totally incapable of getting herself dressed, it drives me crazy especially as I'm now trying to deal with my 10 week old screaming at me.

[AppleSnapple]

elysianfields I knew someone would tell me to do that- and it's probably what i would advise someone else too... It's pretty hardcore though isn't it? My only hesitation to date has been that we walk to school and I dont really want to force him to get dressed on the side of the road but I supose we could drive one day, to make sure I don't get reported to social services!!!!

Thank you for the advice. Am I terribly naïve to think I can break his spirit without resorting to this????!!!

[youngestisapyscho]

He is only 4, surely it can't hurt to help him get dressed instead of having tears and tantrums and making everything take longer then it needs to?

[DeanKoontz]

Just dress him. He needs to know he's your baby too. You'll all get out of the house calmer and quicker and I guarantee you want still be doing it when he's 18

Additionally, whenever you get the chance, and at other times. Drop into the conversation, when he is listening, just what a clever boy he is. And how great he is at putting his own socks on. My mum was great at having that kind of conversation with me and dd pretty much always took the bait.

for you. The morning thing is hard.

[GoogleyEyes]

Can you re-plan your morning to include something he likes right after he gets dressed? For example, if he's downstairs and dressed by x time he can have a treat cereal, or 5 minutes playing on your phone, or a sticker?

I am harsh and say no clothes, no breakfast. But my dd likes her food so much that that works well without anything extra. And she did test it once and yes, I was prepared to let her go to nursery with no breakfast. I didn't think she'd starve before snack time.

[DeanKoontz]

I also do 'no breakfast' till you're dressed. But that's because mine sleep in the buff pretty much, and I'm not very bothered about sending them to school covered in cornflakes.

[yomellamoHelly]

My dd (5 1/2) won't get dressed either. She is on warning that in year 2 she dresses herself or goes into school in her pjs. May implement this before food as well depending on how long she takes. Am slightly worried already as she is ridiculously stubborn!
With eldest we'd ban tv until he was ready (pre ipad era). Would something like that work? (Breakfast would have ended up down him.)

[GoogleyEyes]

yo I used an apron until she was fairly reliably at not wearing her cornflakes.

[jazzandh]

I did/do no breakfast until dressed - however I do often help my 4 year old get dressed.

He is quite capable of managing himself, but it takes ages and when time is precious it is easier and less aggravating alround to spend 5 minutes doing this (assuming your DS is compliant!!)

I have enough time however as DS1 (10) sorts himself out so I only have to help one child...

[disneymum3]

Wouldn't it be easier to just dress him yourself. Save the agro of tears and tantrums.
I am a firm believer in picking your battles, and to be fair I don't think this battle is worth the stress.

[AppleSnapple]

You're right, all of you- I suppose no point having a huge battle about something so trivial but school spoke to me last week about it- says he always needs help/encouragement to get into PE kit etc doesn't do it when asked, and so on. So I thought he's prob like that in school because I'm not enforcing it at home, ... That was my thought process. I suppose I have rather gone from zero to 100 in a very short time so I can't blame him for rebelling... It's just so bloody frustrating when I know how easily and nicely he can do it but he just chooses not to!!

Thanks so much for your thoughts :)

[disneymum3]

I would just let his teacher know that you have a similar problem at home. But that he is only 4, he is still learning, and to have some patience, it won't last forever.

[HollyAndIvyTime]

First off sympathy, as my 4.5 year old is the same and we also have to be out in time for school.

Having also had tears (both of us) tantrums, bribes etc etc I have concluded that nothing really 'works'. He is capable of doing it himself, but just now he doesn't want to.

I guess starting school is big for them. Plus here, we have a new baby on the way. So I figure developmentally for now, he just has a need for us to help him - to feel loved, connected, know we are still there for him, whatever it may be. So I am trying to put my frustration aside and just go with it. It won't be forever........!

[AppleSnapple]

You're so right. I know I'm probably too strict and expecting too much... It's just so frustrating and I'm afraid I'm having to dig very deep to find the patience to put up with it! I will try and look at it as an emotional need, rather than being bloody minded!!!!!

[MrsJacksonAvery]

I've just read 123 Magic where it advises using an oven timer for 'Start' behaviour. I have one shaped like a chicken, which DD 4yo loves. Has changed mornings for us - 20mins to be dressed and downstairs, then set again once downstairs to be out of the door. We have to be out by 7.20am so mornings can be tough. Rewards for beating the time might be: Tv whilst having hair done/iPad in the car/Frozen CD in the car! Good luck ??

[ToysRLuv]

I'll admit tgat I still dress my 5 year old. He can sort of do it, but often refuses for ages (stubborn as a mule and would probably go to school in pyjamas if I let him) and then gets tangled up/frustrated. I don't know any secondary schoolers who can dress themselves, so have no worries, really.

[ToysRLuv]

"Can't" dress themselves, obvs!!

[Violettatrump]

Make it fun? Pretend he's a dinosaur or a dog or a robot and give instructions in a silly voice.

[threepiecesuite]

I dress my almost 5 yo. It takes 2 minutes but a hell of a lot longer if left to herself. She does own pants and vest, I help with rest, she does shoes and coat and hat.
Mornings are fraught enough without arguments.

We are practising self-dressing at weekends.

[Goneintohibernation]

I'm not sure it is a battle worth having TBH. Have you tried making a game of it? DS at that age loved trying to get dressed "like a fireman" super quick, ready to rush off and put out a pretend fire. If not I would just do it for him for now, and hope he starts to want to do it soon.

[addictedtosugar]

DS2 is 4 this spring.
I will help him get dressed when we need to get out of the house (DH leaves at 7, I leave with the boys at 7.25 in the week), but at the weekends, we encourage him to do it him self. Often being very silly helps. So, one morning might go:
DS2, time to get dressed. Trousers. Put out your arms.
No, Mummy, trousers on legs.
Arms out, DS2. why wont these trousers go on?
On my legs Mummy.
Oh. I think you need to show me, as I'm confused.

Then, OK. So clothes go over legs. I got it wrong. Legs out for this teeshirt on.

You get the idea!



The other thing I've heard is its always better to start things off, and let the child finish it - because then its achieving something rather than failing. So, pull teeshirt over head, and get them to put arms in, rather than let them pull over head, and then have to fail at getting dressed, as they can't then do the arms. Over time, get them to take over earlier and earlier.

He is now doing bits of uniform days (polo and trousers), and quite a bit of causal clothes days (5 days a week - pre school 2 full days)

[IndecisionCentral]

DS is 4.5 and we've had/have those battles. Some days we still do.

Things that help:
Acknowledging to myself that he's still young and he sometimes needs to be my baby too. He sees me dress his sister and I suppose he can't understand why she should get that attention and he doesn't.
So I help him, but I ask him to do bits - pop your pants on and I'll help with your socks...
Races - bet you can't be dressed by the time I'm out of the shower.
Reward - if you could help me by getting yourself dressed today you can have a marble for your jar (we switched to marble jar rewards).
Timing - on school days we don't go downstairs for tv/breakfast until he's dressed. If he's taking a while I just remind him there'll be no time for tv or breakfast if he doesn't crack on.

He won't want help dressing when he's 14 OP. Once I let DS be a bit babied he immediately started doing more himself. I think he just wanted the reassurance that I would do it. Kids eh!

[MrsKCastle]

My DD2 is a little younger, but responds really well to me being 'silly mommy's. It takes patience and gritted teeth, but can diffuse the tension and end up with a happier child and happier parent.

So I'll say 'Come on then, you need to get your pants on your head! Haven't you done that yet? Hurry up!'

'Hmm, that's not right is it? Let me think.... oh yes, pants on your elbow, quickly now!'

'Wrong again? Oh dear me, well quickly pop them on your feet.'


'Do they really? Oh! Can you show me?'


And so on....

[MrsKCastle]

Oops, I've just looked back and seen that I've pretty much repeated addictedtosugar`s post. Apologies for not rtft!