Help i don't know what to do with 4 yo DS ...........

[tron]

he's always been quite physical. He started reception class this september. In nursery he had a book so I knew what he'd been up to and they even had an Ed Psych out to observe him (he was perfect that day). Anyway, I was at a book fair this afternoon in the school hall when the acting head mistress came up to me, she said hello to DS and asked how he'd been today. I said good afternoon, a few problems this morning. She then told me infront of everyone how they'd had a number of complaints about him andit needs to be addressed, and the pupil support worker needs to be involved. I knew 2 mums had spoken to his teacher, 1 told me that she'd said that her DD and my DS have never really got on and just to keep an eye on them, but I found out another mum (who is supposed to be my friend but has recently been ignoring me) has been telling everyone her DS is scared to come to school because my DS is horrible to him etc. Her DS is very sneaky and gets alot of the other kids into trouble. I came home from the school today in tears and haven't really stopped yet and I don't know what to do. Sorry this is so long but I'm at the end of my tether ......

PS he also hit the class room helper last week as he coulnd't have what he wanted - he's never him me or DH or my friends or grandparents childminder etc

Please help

[fortyplus]

poor you. It was wrong of the Acting Head to discuss it in front of everyone.
Your 'friend' must be stressed if her ds is scared to go to school because of yours but she will only make matters worse by ignoring you and spreading tales.
You need to assure the staff that they have your full support in dealing with him at school. You must sit him down and talk to him about his behaviour and the effect it has on others - all kids are selfish at that age and he just wants his own way without realising how unacceptable he's being.
Just keep a firm, consistent approach and whatever you do don't beg and plead with him or get hysterical.

[jakeandbensmummy]

This is really sad to read and you must be feeling awful. I think I would take the bull by the horns. Arrange to see the acting head and discuss your concerns. Make sure she knows you did not appreciate her casual approach to confidentiality and that the comments she made were innapropriate and certainly in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I do worry when children so young seem to get a 'label' as it colours how everyone sees them and their abilities and could affect their performance and behaviour in the long term as children tend to live up to our expectations of them and if these expectations are low then...well, I'm sure I don't need to draw a diagram.
He's your son - what do you think he needs? Have you talked to his teacher? What is he good at? Does she know?? A decent teacher should know at least one thing about every child in their care by the end of the first half term. A good teacher will use what she knows to help the child learn.
I think you need to tackle this head on and make it clear that you want to cooperate with the 'powers that be' to get the best for your son.
Ignore all the playground politics, sometimes other mothers just look for a scapegoat to make their own (far from perfect) children look better than they actually are.
Chin up chuck.

[fortyplus]

dh was nagging me to get off the pooter when I wrote my post - though i wanted to write something as you hadn't had a reply at that stage. Just like to reiterate - jakeandbensmummy has posted more succintly than me and I agree 100%. Let the school know that you are committed to supporting discipline, but that they have not acted appropriately so far.
You deserve an apology from the Acting Head - she should know better.

[Wacker]

I got a book recently because I was worried about my DS1's behaviour in reception:
The Unwritten Rules of Friendship: Simple Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends
by Natalie Madorsky Elman, Eileen Kennedy-Moore

It describes many different types of children and why their behaviour makes them unpopular/unsettled and what you can do to help.

I have found it really helpful.

[tron]

thnkas all - i spoke to his class teacher today and explained that I was upset about what the acting head had said but anything that may help DS I'm willing to go along with - they are talking about getting him one to one helper or calling in someone to observe him again, turns out this other boys mum when to see acting head aswell as the class teacher. I'm stuck between feeling so angry I could run her over with the car to being so embarrased that my child is so horrible to feeling guilty it's all my fault.

Other mums have noticed the other woman is being funny - she's not speaking to one of them as her son took too long in the toiler and perfect child wet himself

[fortyplus]

tron - you're really not alone on this one. Have you seen the thread Behaviour / development : Not co-operating at school at all ?
It is really HORRIBLE when your dc behaves like this and meets with disapproval, but I know loads of people who've had similar experiences. You musn't blame yourself. One of my sons had twin boys in his class who had the sweetest most caring mum ever. One of them was perfect child, the other a little demon. That's the thing with kids - they're all individuals and we expect them to conform at such a young age. You'll get there, promise.