9yr old - playground socialising ...

[binker]

Not sure how to title this and it's tied out with other threads I've posted before concerning my 9 year old ds.
I'm aware that my son spends most of his playtimes at school on his own in the playground (his teacher pointed this out in the parent consultation we had this week too)...she wondered whether it was his choice to be on his own or whether he was having trouble joining in or was being excluded from games. I know that he is very self contained and full of inner resources so he is able to entertain himself quite happily - he is never bored,I can honestly say and is always doing something or thinking up ideas,stories,etc. This is quite similar to me as a child and his father, though I was always quite sociable and played with my group of friends when I felt like it (and I'm happy to say that I still know them now,a zillion years later !).
He is a happy and bright boy,an only child and likes school very much. He is able to play wll with other children as he had a circle of friends at his previous school (we moved away from London 16 months ago) and I know how well he interacts with them - he shares and is kind and thoughtful,not bossy or anything. There is a boy in his year who comes to tea occassionally and they get on really well, so I know he can do it, but it's whether he wants to do it !
I do know the value of frienships though and would really like him to establish some relationships.
Does anyone have a similar experience or any advice ? His teacher has suggested picking a buddy to help him at playtimes which I think is a good idea. I wondered what else might help...

[juuule]

Perhaps he prefers to be on his own at the moment. When he's ready he will probably join in. You've already said he has no problems relating to other children. You don't think he is being excluded by other children. It doesn't sound as though he has any problems socialising with others when he wants to. Why do you think there is a problem? If he does prefer to be on his own then he might not take too well to a 'buddy' being forced on him. Have you asked him what he thinks about that? Is this more about the adults feeling better if the child is not on his own? Isn't it probable that he would make his own friends in time?

[binker]

juuule - actually I do agree with what you say - was just talking to a friend who pointed out that solitude is a much maligned thing these days..and I do think that as adults we do fret if children do seem to be on their own, must be a parenting type thing. As far as I can see he relates ok to other children,he's quiet and a little shy but his last teacher in his report said that the other children responded to his gentle nature. I think he just has difficulties in speaking up in a group and holds back, which makes it hard to break into groups. I talked to him about the buddy thing and his teacher would help him choose someone he feels comfortable with..I suggested a few that I know from reading with them,but it'll be up to ds.

[juuule]

Sounds to me like you know your son well and if he thinks that it's a good idea to have a buddy then it might be just the thing he needs to introduce him into a group. I just felt that if it was a case of him being okay but the adults feeling uncomfortable maybe to be cautious with the buddy idea. However, you seem to be aware of that so, no problem

[binker]

he has been asked to pick a child/children but he hasn't chosen yet,seems a little unwilling,so I wont press it...I don't want to force him into anything but at the same time it might help him along...

[cece]

Is he happy about it?

Just a thought - either invite friend around for tea more? or try to make friends at an out of school club maybe? I understand karate or something like that is good for boosting confidence.

[binker]

cece,yes,am intending to invite this other child over soon (and he will no doubt be invited back there) but it'd be a bit much seeing him every week ! Ds goes to 2 after school clubs and has in the past been to karate (where he did surprisingly well,but gave up after about 2 yrs as it was getting a bit rougher - he has trouble with co-ordination and balance which makes joining in with ball games quite difficult for him) -he also went to Beavers but doesn't want to be a cub. He has individual swimming lessons too which have boosted his physical confidence greatly and he loves it. One of his clubs is a dance club which he likes a lot as he's quite a performer,despite shyness !

[cece]

how about a drama club?