3.8 year old scared of car (long, sorry)

[LadderToTheMoon]

Our DD (3 years 8 months) has developed a fear of travelling in the car to the extent that she won't even get in the car.

There was an incident over the summer where the car needed topping up with oil on our way to a day out (car had an oil leak). DH opened the bonnet with us still sitting in the car which I think might be what scared her. The whole time we were out DD kept saying that she wanted to get the train home (we were on a steam train). We explained that we had to go home by car, but she kept making reasons/excuses why she couldn't. When we got back to the car park, DD went into full-on fight or flight mode. She shook, she cried, she fought us, she literally ran across the car park. Nothing we could do would get her in the car. I sat down with her on the kerb and spoke to her for ages to calm her down, which worked, but the moment I mentioned the car it set her off again. We tried picking her up and getting her into the car, but she's a big three year old (same height/weight as a five year old). She struggled so much we were scared we'd hurt her.

Luckily the mainline train station was nearby, so I reluctantly decided to take her home by train whilst my DH drove home. When DD and I arrived at our local station, DH was there waiting for us in the car. Amazingly DD got in without a fuss. DH and I spent the rest of the day scratching our heads wondering what on earth had got into her.

We took DD out in the car a few more times but then the oil leak got worse . DH tried fixing the problem to no avail so in the end we decided to get rid of the car. DH borrowed a car from a family member to tide us over while he looked for a new one. Unfortunately DD’s car seat wasn’t suitable for the borrowed car, so for about a month she didn’t travel anywhere by car. (We live in a town with shops/cafes/parks/preschool within walking distance with bus and trains nearby so it wasn’t a problem getting around.)

We’ve had the new car for about a fortnight. To begin with DD seemed really excited about it, but every time we suggested going somewhere by car she said she didn’t want to. She said that she doesn’t like the new car – it’s too noisy/too dark/too small etc. We haven’t needed to take her anywhere by car so we left it. But she was meant to go to a birthday party the other day. As soon as she realised it would mean going by car she said she didn't want to go. We got her dressed up, wrapped the birthday present, wrote the card together on the morning of the party, but when it came to getting in the car, she just wouldn't. She started walking up the road, then we got her to come back, but she just stood by the car, not getting in. We didn't want to upset her (and cause a scene on our road) by picking her up and trying to force her in. In the end she did get upset and went to sit in the porch. We called it a day at that point and she missed out on the party.

We're at a loss how to get around this one. We know there will be times when she absolutely has to go somewhere by car. But at the moment I've no idea how we'll get her in it. Has anyone been in this situation? How did you get your DC to overcome their fear?

[doradoo]

Can you get her to 'play' in the car - sit in the drivers seat - climb in the boot etc whilst there's no pressure of an imminent journey? Let her look under the bonnet explain very simply how it works - play with the lights etc just so she gets used to the car again?

Is she into dolls/teddies? COuld you get a car seat for one of them to go in the car with you/her?

[Ehhn]

You need to build her up slowly. Open up all the doors, open up the boot. Then just potter about around the car not doing anything. Then shut it all up and go back indoors. Make no fuss, no mention, just chatter away as normal. Repeat until there's no issue. Build up. Get dd to help clean the car with lots of praise and big girl rewards, making it fun and silly by making soapy pictures etc. maybe put a toy on the back seat, leave the door open, then ask dd to get it. Praise.

Then get dd to play with the car, doing up seat belts, sitting in different seats, drawing pictures in the back of the car. Talk to her about the different bits of the car and what they do (safety belts, handbrake, steering wheel). Maybe sing the wheels on the car go round and round. Then go back in.

Read stories about going on car journeys and adventures.

One day, build up to switching on the engine, then one of you show dd around the whole car, why it makes those noises, how it is safe.

Keep going until she feels confident/bored with the whole thing!

[Ehhn]

Cross post!

[LadderToTheMoon]

Thank you both. My original post was so long that I didn't say that we have been mooching around the car with her. The other day DH had the bonnet up and DD had a ruler for some reason so was measuring the car. Yesterday we went outside after dinner, opened the doors etc. I tried sitting in the car seat which made DD laugh. She gets as far as leaning her upper body in but no further. I guess we need to carry on doing what we are doing and hopefully she'll be happy to travel by car soon.

[doradoo]

I guess she needs time then?

I think I'd be inclined where possible to not offer alternative transport modes - if she can manage well enough without the car then it becomes more of an issue to use it.

If she misses out on enough stuff (playdates / parties like you mentioned / grand parents etc) perhaps she'll start to see the car as a means to an end.

Does she get car sick?

Have you asked her what she thinks the problem with the car is? Perhaps she can verbalise her worries a bit and you can logically go through them with her?

[NewEraNewMindset]

Oh gosh that sounds difficult for all of you. It's a worry as you don't want to do something that could cause a long term problem but equally the longer it goes on the more ingrained the fear could become.

Do you have other children that sit in the car too? If not I wonder if you could get one of her friends to share a car ride with her to somewhere that she enjoys going?

[LadderToTheMoon]

That's exactly right - we don't want to do anything to make it worse (I.e. force her into the car for example) but realise the longer it goes on the worse it can become.

She doesn't get car sick. When we've asked what's wrong with the car she just says she doesn't like it/too noisy/too dark. I've literally just remembered that she said she liked the old car best at dinner time today. I'm wondering whether it's linked to us having moved house to a new area seven months ago. She was just-turned three when we moved but she still remembers and talks about it several times a week. She sometimes says about liking the old house better. There have been a few lower-level anxieties since we moved for example not wanting to go into certain rooms, if DH brings her home but I'm not there she's reluctant to go inside (she always does, but I'm told bribery is often involved).

God, this is starting to seem like a much bigger issue than just the car.