So disappointed in my dd

[Deckmyballs]

I realise I'm probably being terribly unreasonable so please go easy on me.

I can't help but be so cripplingly disappointed with my dd and the things that she does.

She is 3.10, due to start school in August next year and can't recognise any of the letters of the alphabet, numbers and only a few shapes despite all my efforts.

I also have a younger ds who gets it right while dd struggles on. It's almost does it on purpose? ds who has no issues doing this. In fact whenever we're playing games to guess these things my younger soars ahead.

Not just this but her behaviour is just awful. She wets her pant, even poos cries/screams whenever we have to do anything other than what she wants that exact moment. She goes to nursery but doesn't say hello or goodbye to the staff and I don't even know if she talks while there. They do a sticker incentive to show good behaviours and despite being there for 10 months she has only ever had 1. I see other kids coming out with them weekly! She can't write her name and refuses to listen long enough to try. Behaviour at home is a constant struggle! She never gets invited to parties or play dates. She puts on a ridiculous baby voice whenever anyone speaks to her...

The list is endless. I do feel like a horrible mother saying all these things buys rely this is not normal? I don't think she has any learning disabilities.

[ChickenFajitaAndNachos]

I would forget about numbers and letters etc and increase your praise of all the lovely things she does. Putting on her shoes , sitting nicely, good breathing!

[Shockers]

"I don't even know if she talks while there."

Ask them!

[Mrsfrumble]

My 3.10 YO can't write his name either, and isn't particularly interested in learning letters and numbers. He can, however, describe how a combustion engine works, how the digestive system functions and how elements combine to form molecules.

What does she like doing? Is she a good climber? Does she like music and dancing, or drawing? Like the PP, I think you should start looking for positives and start encouraging and praising her.

We don't push DS too much with the writing and numbers. Instead we look at science books and watch TedEd talks with him on YouTube, do simple experiments and praise his curiosity.

Have the nursery staff expressed any concern about her development?

[CaptainSinker]

You need to seriously turn down the pressure.

Play is learning. Enjoy playing with her. She doesn't need to be able to write, she is 3.

Spend some more time on the things she likes, and is good at. The other stuff will come.

Maybe the babyish behaviour is telling you something. She needs a little more play and cuddles, and a little less drilling and demanding.

You will all be much happier!

[Flexibilityisquay]

I agree with what others have said. You need to stop trying to make her learn. My DS couldn't do any of the things you have mentioned when he started school, at nearly 5. He picked it all up in no time once he started school, and has done really well at school so far. She is clearly telling you she doesn't want to learn these things at the moment, and she is barely more than a baby. I suspect if you back right off things may well improve dramatically!

[lougle]

Oh the poor child! She's 3. She doesn't need to be able to write her name for another 11 months, which is almost a 3rd of her life. That's like stressing that a 12 year old doesn't yet know the skills he/she will have to acquire by the time he/she is 16 years old!!!

[somewheresomehow]

stop with the disappointment , she is 3 not 13, education is a marathon not a sprint she has many more years to go, oh and who are you trying to impress because that's how its coming across to me

[Sunflowersareblue]

Are you serious? Surely this is a joke? All of this "behaviour" is perfectly normal for any child.

She does not need to learn any of those things for another year yet, blimey, give the poor kid a chance! Being cripplingly disappointed seems a massive overreaction. Have you not heard that different children learn at different rates?

Are you planning on her doing GCSE's when she is 10?!! Dear me.

[Sootball]

Jesus weot

[IsItMeOr]

Okay, so it sounds as if you may have cause for concern that your DD may be missing some developmental milestones.

Talk to nursery about that, and then your health visitor.

I think your worry, and the challenge of dealing with wee/poo/tantrums is - understandably - dominating how you're feeling and thinking about your DD at the moment.

[Sootball]

Wept*

[littlesupersparks]

At my son's 4th birthday I encouraged his (older) friend to write his name on something he had made. I sounded I out for him and he wrote some squiggles, roughly approximate. I found out later it was the first time he had ever attempted writing. Not unusual at all!!!!

My friends little girl had no concept of colours until she went to reception...

Please just let her play and enjoy her for who she is. As far as I know none of the things you mention are even expected until after age 4.

[Zephyroux]

It sounds like you are both having a really hard time. Your feelings are your feelings you can't help that, so stop beating yourself up on that score and let go of any harsh thoughts about yourself because of how you feel.

If I were in your position, I think I would try to challenge myself to genuinely praise dd, or say something kind to her five times each day and maybe respond to her baby needs with cuddles.

[littlesupersparks]

I agree speak to nursery and HV. I hope they can put your mind to rest. With regards to the stickers, maybe ask if nursery can try to 'catch' her being good.

[sanfairyanne]

as IsItMeOr says

speak to nursery
then speak to hv

to see if there are developmental concerns

then work on her self esteem. what can she do? what does she like? concentrate on that and praise praise praise

[sanfairyanne]

also be aware that we can expect too much sometimes from the eldest. she is your oldest child but still a baby really

[BravePotato]

ok, my first reaction is : "bloody hell, poor kid!"

give kids space to grow, nurture them encourage them, bloody fucking letters are not the be-all and end-all of learning

What does she like? What is she good at? Foster and nurture that

[BoffinMum]

I would back off, wait 6-12 months to see what happens, enjoy her in the meantime, and perhaps read 1-2-3 Magic for advice on discipline. Perhaps have a chat with the head of nursery or your local health visitor about your concerns, but as others have said this is pretty normal for the moment.

[ChickenFajitaAndNachos]

she must be doing something good. Even if its 'you were good watching the cartoons' or finishing your drink or sleeping.. I had imput from an organisation called Portage for my sons when they were preschool age because they were non verbal and they taught me a lots of ways to manage behaviour and help them deal with frustration because they could not talk. Could you ask your health visitor if there is any help available for your family?

[KulamLobeseder]

"Disappointed". What a tragic word to read from a parent about a toddler.

You are "disappointed" in your child because she hasn't reached milestones that aren't actually expected of her yet? Your younger child sounds advanced, which is great. But it's completely unfair that you use that as yardstick for your DD. Children develop at different rates. Maybe she's acting out because she can sense your disapproval, and just wants play, love and attention from you.

If you have genuine concerns about her development, speak to a professional. You say she's "not normal" but then say she doesn't have learning disabilities. Which is it? Get her help if she needs it, or otherwise let your poor child just be a child and develop at her own rate.

[AnonymousBird]

OP, during the year before school my son was in full time nursery. Half way (ie. at 4.5 years old) through we got the whole "he can't write his name yet" bla bla bla, we ought to be concerned and so on. I (almost) completely ignored it. I had it in the back of my mind but I did very little about it at home other than to look at letters or words on signs in a very general way.

He is now in year 5 and got the award for personal and academic achievement out of his whole year at school. I'm not boasting, I'm just saying he took his time to get going but once he did he flew.

Leave her be a bit, it really isn't an issue now. Your frustration with the situation may be contributing triggers for her seemingly "awful" behaviour. She needs a break!

[addictedtosugar]

OK, DS2 is 3.5
He will start school with your DD.
I'm chuffed with him. He can write the first letter of his name.
He can "count" 1-2-3-7-4-8-6-7-9.
He doesn't recognise any numbers, or letters other than his first initial.
Depending on his mood, he can identify shapes.
We have wet pants probably once a week from nursery. When he started preschool in Sept, it was daily for about 2 weeks.
He tantrums on the floor when he's asked to do something other than what he really wants to do.
He has "squeaked" his way though several months, and just seems to have come out of it with a massive leap in language.

It sounds to me like your youngest is advanced, rather than his sister behind.

[gamescompendium]

Maybe the children who come out with stickers for good behaviour every week are in need of more encouragement than your daughter to behave well.

Your daughter sounds a completely normal three year old but I think you might have some bonding issues with her, did you feel as happy after she was born as you did after DS was born? Is this disappointment in her an ongoing thing or has it come about recently? If your younger DS can do some of the things that you are asking your DD to do there must be quite a small age gap, were you happy with that gap or was one of your DC a bit of a surprise? I know this might be hard to think about but for both your DC you need to work out why you feel differently about them and work with your GP or HV to improve your relationship with your DD. I don't think from what you've written that you are a bad mother, just that your preference for one child above another seems a bit stronger than average based on those few sentences and that you may need to recalibrate the way you look at your DD so you can see how lovely she really is under the unwanted behaviour.

[Sootball]

Be worried -possibly
Be concerned - maybe premature
Be disappointed? Have my first

[Floggingmolly]

She's 3. Why is it so important to you that she write her name???