My DD (2.2) is lying to me

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

I'm feeling a bit sad today. My DD, who is 2.2 year old, keeps lying. She's only just 2 for goodness sake. I know lots, of children lie and I know it will happen at some point, but she is only just turned 2!

I first noticed it a few weeks ago, when I would for instance place a hand on her back and guide her inside the house and she would turn around with tear-filled eyes and say "ow mummy, you pushed me". I thought maybe she didn't really understand the difference between an encouraging hand and pushing so I would calmly explain that I wasn't pushing, I was just helping her.

Then it was "DBro pushed me/hit me/kicked me". Sometimes I wouldn't see it and I would maybe give her the benefit of the doubt and would tell my DS to be nice, but other times I am there and can quite clearly see that he hasn't touched her.

And then today my friend and I were waiting with our younger DC for our older DC to come out of school and DD came up to me with tears in her eyes and her saddest face saying that my friend's DS had pushed her over. He was nowhere near her and she had been playing on her own. She was only a metre or 2 away from me, I could see quite clearly...she didn't hurt herself at all. It was completely made up.

I'm just baffled and quite sad about it. How do I deal with this? I've told her it's not nice to make up stories but it doesn't seem to go in. Not sure if it's relevant or not, but she's just started at nursery 3 weeks ago.

[EmbarrassedPossessed]

She's 2.2. Far too young to be "lying " as an older child or adult would. I would simply view it as experimenting with language and with consequence. It could also be a way of experimenting with her imagination.

It doesn't merit feeling upset and sad, just correct her cheerfully and move on.

[Lovelydiscusfish]

My dd (2.6) lies quite a lot! She once memorably spent a whole morning faking an illness at nursery so that she could come home and play on our new piano! She also plays tricks on us by hiding stuff, sometimes. I don't think any of it is malicious, tbh -I think that, as a pp said, she is just experimenting with the world around her.
I guess if you are worried, you could tell your dd the story of the boy who cried wolf?

[Iggly]

She isn't lying.

She's describing what is happening. Technically you are pushing her when guiding with your hand. And she knows pushing isn't nice.

The other times - maybe something happened and she didn't know how to articulate it so pushing was the only world she knew to use.

She's too young to get stories like the boy who cried wolf (I have a 2.9 year old dd and she's bright but that would go over her head).

I would give her more words to use and also acknowledge her upset. My dd is like this and gets quite angry if she thinks I'm doing something wrong!

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

Thanks all. I think it was today's incident that shocked me most when she said that another child had pushed her over and the child in question was nowhere near her. I am absolutely sure that nothing else happened that would have upset her. It was totally made up.

Her brother is telling tales about her a lot as she is going through a very naughty stage at the moment, so she's probably just copying. Fine when it's just a sibling thing but it did make me quite sad that she tried to drop another child in it.

Not a stealth boast, but her language, vocabulary, understanding and ability to express herself is amazing for her age. I really don't think that she was just unable to articulate what happened...she knows that me helping her up the step into the house is not the same as pushing, and if something else had happened today she would have been would have been able to explain it better than "XX pushed me over".

But Embarrassed, I understand and agree what you are saying about her experimenting with language and consequence and I think that's probably a large part of it.

Lovelydiscus, that story made me laugh!

[Lovelydiscusfish]

I think children at this age can deliberately say things which they know aren't true. Well, I know they can, because my dd certainly does. Sometimes to be funny or entertaining, and sometimes to make something happen, to get a particular desired outcome. My dd blatantly does this sometimes, and will admit it afterwards, and sometimes say why she did it.
As I said, I don't personally think it is a problem at this age. But we have no reason to think the OP's dd necessarily believes these children have pushed her, or done something she lacks the language to describe - she might be making it up. I was not being entirely serious about the boy who cried wolf (sorry!) but to be honest, people do use stories to get moral points across to their children, from a very young age, so I would have thought that to do so could be an option for the OP if she feels really strongly. Perhaps not the story I mentioned, as I doubt she would want her dd to feel at risk of being eaten by a wolf!

[Timeforabiscuit]

If your daughter is a literalist -don't do the wolf story at this age, morality tales work best on five year olds as they kind of get the principle of natural justice ( and are the tinsiest bit blood thirsty).

We described it as story telling, rather than lying, and gave her plenty of chances to show off imaginative stuff. When she did a story that would get someone else into trouble or I was absolutely sure I'd seen how an incident had happened I'd just midly comment that it didn't happen that way,very lightheartedly, and get her talk explain how it actually happened.

They do tell some fantastic whoppers though

[EmbarrassedPossessed]

Lovelydiscusfish, I do think children of this age can say things that they know aren't true. But it isn't lying and it isn't a moral issue, for me. It's about them having a fluid relationship with reality - they're playing with what is real and what is not, to figure out how the world works.

I would step well away from labelling it as malicious lying, or a moral issue. I wouldn't be worried about her bringing another child into it. She's not going to grow up to be an inveterate liar!

[Lovelydiscusfish]

I see Embarrassed - and yes, I agree, it's not a moral issue for me either. And perhaps I shouldn't use the word "lie", as it does have moral connotations - I wouldn't use it to my dd.
I guess it could be a moral issue for me if I felt my dd had deliberately lied to hurt someone, as I am convinced from other stuff she has done that she does have enough understanding of cause and effect to try to make that happen, if she wanted. Just like she'd understand that hitting someone or saying unkind things she could see were upsetting them, or taking their stuff, would hurt them (she does understand this, not in the complex way an older child might, but at a simple level she can empathise) She never has lied like this at all, though, so phew! And I don't think she would.

[Givemecaffeine21]

My DD is 2.2 and makes things up too, but I don't think she even knows she's doing it. I was told by someone who was a teacher (and had several children of his own) that a child's first lie is an important developmental stage and happens at around 4 years old, I guess because they are understanding truth and time a bit more, so I'm taking all her little 'DS hit me/pulled my hair' when he's nowhere near with a pinch of salt.

[Ticklemonster897]

Making up untrue stories is a sign of cognitive development. Some try it out young aged2, others late aged 4. I recon you have avery bright child there because it takes a lot of understanding for a child so young to work it out. She's experimenting and it's getting the reaction she wants sometimes. Attention good or bad. Id be wondering what's happening at nursery? Can you ask if she's doing the same there? Next time can you say To her 'that's an interesting story but what really happened'

[Ticklemonster897]

And I don't think this means that she will be a manipulative teen or adult. I expect she will have a good awareness of relationships and emotional intelligence as you will help her develop her. Moral compass over the years

[Seeline]

I'd be more concerned about why she is doing it. It seems to be that she knows she will get your attention if she tells you she is hurt/upset. Perhaps she is feeling a bit unsettled after starting nursery, or maybe she is not getting as much attention there as she is used to - staff have more kids to deal with there and perhaps she is feeling a bit lost. Ask at nursery whether she is doing the same there.
Make sure she gets more attention when she is at home. Tell her she can have cuddles etc even if she isn't hurt

[monkeywrench]

I have heard too that "lying" is a developmental stage and that it takes a particular cognitive development to be able to lie, there was some study with kids alone in a room for another pupose but with biscuits on a plate or something and they were being secretly filmed, when asked if they had touched the biscuits most young children were honest yes or no, but the slightly older kids lied, because they thought they shouldn't have touched them (or maybe it was a box they looked in, i forget now) rarely one of the much younger kids lied and the scientist believed that this showed earlier cognitive development, so you should be secretly proud :) she will grow out of it for sure, all kids tell porkies at some stage or another.

[monkeywrench]

here:

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/media-spotlight/201311/when-does-lying-begin

and here:

www.telegraph.co.uk/science/7730522/Lying-children-will-grow-up-to-be-successful-citizens.html

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

This is making me feel better and I'm generally feeling more relaxed about it today.

I think the thing is that I only have my DS to compare with and he was such an honest boy (note the past tense...he's almost 6 now!!) and I don't think he told his first lie until he was about 4, and even then he was very honest about the fact that he'd lied! So to have my little 2 year old make something up that blatantly wasn't true was a bit !

But yes, I'll tell myself that it's because she's so bright and imaginative, and I'll correct her and move on!

I do think she is experimenting with words and language at the moment as she has said some quite unkind things too to see what reaction they get. For instance the other week, I pulled her chair out for lunch and accidently knocked her foot, to which she said "Mummy, I don't like you, you hurt me". Again, I was a bit shocked and saddened by it, but I did take it with a pinch of salt as I recognised that as just looking for a reaction.

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

I will have a word with the nursery too and ask if there's something similar happening there. It does make me worried that might go in and start saying "Mummy hits me" or something (I absolutely don't and never have!!).

She seems to be loveing nursery and the carers have commented about how well she's settled in and how happy and confident she is, and I have generally been very pleased and impressed by how well they seem to know her considering she's only been there 3 weeks. It's a small nursery and she's only there 3 mornings a week and there certainly doesn't seem to be a lack of attention. She looks to have formed close bonds with all 4 of the carers.

[gastrognome]

My DD1 used to tell the most incredibly tall stories from about 2.5 to 3.5. She would come home from nursery saying so and so hit me or so and so bit me and nine times out of ten it was pure fabrication.

She even told me that her nursery friend had climbed through her bedroom window and torn a poster on her wall (that she had clearly torn herself).

I used to ask a few leading questions to determine whether it was true or not, and then I'd gently remind her that making up stories isn't always a good idea. She grew out of it, anyway, with no lasting effects.

Now at age 6 she is as self righteously honest as she could possibly be.

[Timeforabiscuit]

Actually the self righteous six year old is the worse stage, at least you're confident you have the moral high ground with lying, less so with mummy's stash of chocolate!

[naty1]

Its just to get interaction DD does i did a poopy', when she knows she hasnt. Its just part of language and imagination.
Its just stuff theyve heard and repeated, i expect from nursery.