HELP.....HELP......HELP I am at wits end

[amy1977]

HI, I am new here and found the site trying to work out my dilema. I have one DS 3 1/2 who started nursery (after failed attempt last yr at diff one) two weeks ago, as well as at a chilminder who picks him up 2 of the days. He was going to the CM once a week for the summer with no real probs but in the last 10 days both the CM and nursery teacher have been pulling me aside to say thta dan has bit, hit, pinched and kicked on occaision. The main victims seem to be a girl with special needs (whom he tells me tonight is his best friend at nursery) and the childminders own DS (same age,also slight SPN). Each incident is a one off, and he is disciplined, says sorry and all is well, until today. He apparntly bit the little girl without provacation and refused to say sorry and showed zero remorse. I felt totally belittled by the nursery teacher and ended crying myself.....dumb ass!! He syas he did it cause she hits him, but NStaff say no, never.
DS has been cared for by family up to now and I think it is attention seeking and am afraid they are not praising enough but quick to jump on him when bad.And we have come down really hard on him, but what if it's simply trying to get the kids/adults attention? Also CM and him seemed close in the summer....hugs at end of day, sitting on knee while talking to me and cuddling(ripped my heart out that one mind) but she has suddenly gone really cold with him and didn't look at or aknowledge me or him at nursery pick up today.
I feel as though they are saying that I am a bad mother and that I am raising a terrorist or something....surley it is a settling period while he learns to play and socialise with children not just adults and although I need to know about it, do they really need to make such a big deal????? I mean I am paying them at the end of the day, any sugestions???

[Oracle]

Ouch sorry but you may be paying them to care for your son but he is 'your' son. This is probably not what you want to hear but biting other children can turn into a big issue. We had one little chap in our nursery who was excluded after three weeks and there was no other choice as the other parents were up in arms and went to the local rag.

Are you saying that you would rather not know what is happening? Each incident may well be a one off but they are now begining to add up.

Why did last year at nursery fail? I am not trying to put you down here because I had all of this with one of my sons when he started nursery. We had to pul him out because he was attacking the staff not the children. Just sending him every day did not improve his social skills. Some children need to be taught their social skills. It turned out that our son has SEN himself - and I am not implying that your son does but there may well be a reason that has not been found yet. Could he be afraid of the SEN children some children can be.

You could try positive discipline and make sure that everyone who has a hand in his care carries this out to. Everytime he does something good no matter how small he gets a reward - maybe a sticker tots tends to love them but it does not have to be stickers. So many stickers may add up to a treat. However the bad behaviour is ignored - of course biting can not be ignored but other things can be. If he realises that he gets rewarded for being good then he might realise that he likes it.

I will run away and hide now

Oracle

[amy1977]

HI Oracle.

The fialed nursery attempt was because he had been going about 5-6 weeks then fell off a swing at the park and spent 6 week on traction in children's ward, then wasn't allowed to crawl of walk for another 6 weeks so by the time we put him backin it was after Christmas and he was so distressed and would not settle. It was upsetting everyone involved including the staff and other children so we felt it best to try again when he was three. He's never been violent apart from the usual pushing the boundries like all toddlers. He sya he is being hit at nursery and CM's so I explained that it is wrong for someone to hit you, but he must no hit back just say loudle' no, don't hit me I don't like it', so the staff will hear.
It's just so hard to know if you've made the right descion on childcare esp when it comes to CMs.

[bluejelly]

No real advice but don't beat yourself up too much, sure he's not a terrorist!
Lots of kids go through these phases
I would suggest the postive parenting approach favoured by Dr tanya byron etc
Lots of positive praise, very clear boundaries, keep telling him how special and lovely he is...
He'll get there in the end I'm sure. Good luck

[PeachyClairHasBadHair]

It might be that the failed attempt (poor lad- ouch) has still got memories for him; ds3 was abused (in my opinion) at his first nursery aged 15 mnths (they sat hiom down, shouted at him then isolated him for one biting incident whilst teething- nd by isolated, complete- not even staff- for over an hour) and it took a while to settle him in to this one, two years later.

It may also be that he has SN; emptahy isues can signify this- have a chat with your GP / HV?

positive parenting good- pasta jar ideal fort this. I also favour the love bombing technique (constant hugs / kisses etc over sustained time = self esteem, you can bring it back down after- I am sure you can find a better description on the Net). He's not evil, he's 3.5 and you're not a bad parent- you're not even there when he does it!

[Wacker]

I would 'positively' change the CM.

You say she barely speaks to you or him. No wonder he is misbehaving - imagine what she is like when you are not there. If she is not being positive with him, he will not improve.

I would have some story for your DS that does not make him feel bad - journey too long, money too much, etc and find a new CM.

Also, children generally don't lie about being hit at this age, and I would tend to believe he probably is being hit too at nursery ! Stick up for him at nursery - I had similar problems at nursery - one time they pulled me aside and told me DS1 had been hitting someone and I asked him about it and he said he hit x who was hitting y, because he told x to stop and wouldn't. But he got the punishment.....nursery has missed all the beginning ( they can't see everything!) but it certainly did stop a 'rot' setting in and him being labelled.

Labelling is what makes this problem so hard to stop - as soon as positivity stops, behaviour deteriorates. If he has been labelled at nursery - go talk to them and stick up for him and tell them some good - i.e. he says he was being hit first etc.

[Sunnysideup]

I just want to re-assure you, your ds is not a terrorist he is just 3!

I definitely think you need to check that everyone is being extremely positive with him, rewards, praise, warmth etc.....this is really important, specially in this settling in phase. Your ds has basically been at home for 3 years so yes, he needs to adjust, they need to give him this understanding. Obviously misdemeanours must be dealt with and I'm sure your DS will be fine with that so long as the rest of the time he is getting that positive treatment and attention. (BTW, Steve Biddulph says in 'raising boys' that staying at home with a loving parent/carer is best for boys until they are 3 so you got that spot on!!)

I removed my ds from his first nursery school due to a huge lack of warmth, understanding and approval shown by his keyworker; I think the kids have a right to a warm caring environment and the right to be liked. How miserable it must be to sense you are not liked but be powerless to do anything about it. I just say this to say, be strong; feeling a lack of warmth IS enough of a reason to change carers if you feel it's an issue!

[Pitchounette]

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