Setting boundaries with 3yo

[CaptainSinker]

My Dd is a lovely, funny, sweet 3 yo. She has a very focused and determined nature.

I find it hard to set boundaries on her behaviour, e.g. letting her interrupt conversations, boss me around too much. DP finds it easier to be firm with her, and gets frustrated that I let her "rule the roost".

I am trying to be more firm with her as I want her to learn how to show respect to, and get with, others. It doesn't come naturally though so I am looking for tips/encouragement! I think it is hard because I have quite a non confrontational personality, I work full time so want to make the most of time with her, and because I want her to be happy! I am trying to remind myself that her life will be better if I help with this aspect of her social development.

[Bearandcub]

Persevere with the rules, whatever they are in your house, but be prepared that at 3 she in only likely to remember 4/5 and complete 1 or 2 at a time.

You would be better off trying to stop time than stop a 3 yr old from being bossy, however you can incorporate a loose rule (be polite) to ask nicely to stop demanding language and tone. So you do not respond positively (irrespective of your decision) to a question until its asked nicely: Please can I have more orange juice rather than "juice now".

For interrupting you could introduce "excuse me please" to get attention rather than launching into whatever. The real issue with interrupting though is not let adults talk but wait your turn. Perhaps focus on taking turns and why this is a good thing.

[CaptainSinker]

Thanks Bear.

That gives me some food for thought.

She is very good with please, thank you etc, but I can be talking to my Mum (or whoever) and she will be grabbing at me, constantly saying "I need my toys PLEASE. come here PLEASE. Stop PLEASE." Makes conversation impossible.

So some work on turn taking seems a good starting point.

[Bearandcub]

Yes conversation is impossible unless they are engaged in something so it might be best to set up a game with juice/ snack on the table to give yourself more opportunity to talk without disruption. At 3 though you will be plagued by this a little while longer.

Chin up though, she's doing well in please and thank you so you can give that a big tick!

[CaptainSinker]

Oh, thanks. I can't emphasise enough that she is a sweet little thing.

I just have to work hard on not giving in on things too easily, so she can at least start to learn that she can't always have everything exactly as she wants.

[Goldmandra]

The trick is not to reward the behaviour you don't want to see.

If you're talking, ask her to wait one minute but make sure you give her a turn to speak when that minute is up. That way you are rewarding her for waiting. If you allow her to pull you around and nag and interrupt constantly, eventually giving in and getting her what she wants, you are rewarding her for her persistent nagging.

Thank her when she waits patiently and make an effort to interrupt or curtail your conversation yourself so she doesn't get to the point of having to do it for you.

[mrscog]

Joining in with interest as my 2.5yo is the same. My problem is he isn't even old enough to wait a minute so it feels like I'm always giving in to pestering. Do I just have to ride this bit out until he's a bit older?

[Goldmandra]

Mrscog, you need to time your responses to what he can achieve. If he can wait five seconds, ask him to sit down, say "Sorry, I just need to deal with this" to the person you are speaking to and then praise him for waiting and respond to him.

As he gets older, the time he can wait will get longer.

[mrscog]

Yes, that's what I need to do - I fall into the trap of expecting too much and then giving up when he doesn't behave. But I need to remember how little he is. My mum is constantly reminding me he is not 4!

[Goldmandra]

One of the best mantras in childcare is "Start where the child is". It has pulled me up short on many an occasion when I have forgotten to make activities start with what the child can do rather than what I think they should be able to do.

Targets are only any good if there is a clear and accessible route to get to them

[LastingLight]

When your dc interrupts a conversation and you tell him to wait a minute, hold his arm or put your hand on his shoulder to reassure him that you know he is there and will give him attention shortly.