My four year old keeps smacking me and I'm sick of it.

[tickertyboo]

My four year old keeps smacking me. It began when he was three. Around a month ago, he seemed to stop doing it. But for the last couple of days it has started again.

When he smacks me I put him outside in the garden, as that is the best place for him to go. I leave him there for around three minutes. I have also tried taking things away from him that he enjoys.

None of this works. I did not have this trouble with his sister. Please would someone help me as I do not like him when he does this.

[SarahJinx]

I don't have any experience of this, but my first thought was, don't put him in the garden, where he can run and play. Put him somewhere he doesn't want to be, where its boring so he at least starts to think he doesn't want that as a consequence?

[tickertyboo]

He doesn't run or play in the garden. He just cries and bangs on the door, wanting to be let in.

[LittlePink]

The hitting is so annoying isn't it. My 2.3 year old has been doing it since 18 months most days if not every day. Like today she was standing on my leg while I was sat down on the floor and it was really hurting so I told her to step down as it was hurting my leg so instead she leaned over picked up a book and smacked me over the head with it! Double whammy! I'm trying really hard to reinforce and encourage gentle hands, gentle voice. What with the hitting and the shouting it's enough to drive a person completely mad sometimes! I feel your pain.

[tickertyboo]

Thank you LittlePink. It's quite a relief to know that someone else is going through it.

I put the laptop on top of the wardrobe yesterday, after being hit on the way home from pre-school. I've also kept up with the 'it's not right to hit people, especially your mother'. No hits today, so maybe something has gone in.

Anyway, I've just got to ride it out. Like all things that motherhood throws at you. Thanks again for your support. Hope your girl packs in the nonsense soon.

[BustyCraphopper]

There is a theory that small children hit for 2 reasons.

1. To get a reaction
   

1. Because they are angry/sad/upset
   

If that's the case, the best response would be to address these issues by trying to engage with your child a bit more during the day. Two focused 10 minute session is enough as long as it is wholly focussec on them.
AND when they hit - don't punish or shout, but ask them what's wrong, and offer a cuddle.

Try it, it might surprise you. It worked amazingly with dd1 when she was seemingly trying to kill both dd2 and myself. Worked within a week.

[BotoxBitch]

Love it busty

[tickertyboo]

I'll give it a go BustyCraphopper. I should like to add, that I have engaged with my child for the past four years. Non stop. We also talk together about why he smacks me. His answer is 'I don't know'.

He also gets lots of cuddles off me during the day too. However, I will attempt not to shout at him when he does hit me. It will be interesting to see if that works.

[NewEraNewMindset]

I find my 22 month old snacks me when he gets over excited. I tend to then hold his hands to his sides and say 'no, we don't do that, that's not nice'. If he continues then I put him the other side of the stairgate for a few mins and then ask for a sorry.

It generally works but I like Busty's approach. Most bad behaviour is attention seeking and it makes sense to me that positive one on one attention can get good results.

[Sootgremlin]

When I had this I found the bigger my reaction upset/cross/punishment whatever, the more it fuelled the behaviour.

What worked was catching his hand before he made contact with the hit, looking him in the eye and saying "we don't hit" firmly and calmly and then turning and walking away. Repeat as necessary. Once he'd calm down he would usually approach me and then I would explain again about hitting being wrong, and that he might like to say sorry. I found as well that if I asked him why he would say 'don't know' so I would try and empathise instead.

So something like "are you feeling sad or cross, did that make you hit Mummy?" And he would agree or choose one or the other. Then I would say it is ok to be cross or sad sometimes, but when you are say "Mummy I'm cross/sad" and I'll try to help you, but it is never ok to hit"

Busty's advice is very good too for preventing the hitting coming about, my ds's hitting was caused by younger sibling issues and wanting attention so it is particularly pertinent to that situation. If he's an only the cause might be different. Started school? Any other big changes?

[BustyCraphopper]

Sorry op, it came across wrong. Yes I was engaging non stop with my child as well - but having those 10 minutes totally focused on her and totally led by her had more effect than the talking as I'm going and playing with her. And I was telling her off for smacking etc. it didn't work. BUT z2 x 10 minute child led focussed slots, plus cuddles for smacking did. I was honestly surprised. I also showed her how it was nicer to get a reaction by trying to make someone laugh, so now if she's smacking I redirect her into trying to make someone laugh instead

[Sootgremlin]

I agree with the cuddles for smacking - it seems counterintuitive but if you start to view the hitting as being caused by fear rather than the desire to hurt you it becomes easier to react that way. Kind of takes the wind out of their anger.

[tickertyboo]

That's okay BustyCraphoppper. Yes, it's been a better day today. He was about to whack me one, when he suddenly stopped. Mid whack-to-be, I crouched down and gave him a cuddle, rather than going off in a rage with him. He was a changed child. And I am a changed mother. To some extent anyway... Thanks again everyone.