Terrible day with a three year old - give me your perspective

[Albertatata]

Everything has been a battle. Nothing has been fun today. I don't think I am handling things well, but I have a very mobile 1 year old as well.

My eldest is just turning three and he just seems so grumpy & unmanageable compared to other children. He is stubborn, strong willed and defiant but the problem is that it makes my blood boil and I'm losing my temper all day.

He just doesn't listen to a word I say at the moment for eg. 'Stop using something', which he takes no notice of then I'll repeat stop doing it because x/y/z, then when he continues I say if you continue to do that then I'll have to take it off you. He continues. I take it off him then he will get angry &either hit/spit at me - then time out step for 2/3mins. And repeat - I feel like that has been my entire day. (I do time outs for hitting, kicking,spitting or biting or hurting his brother).

Afterwards he says sorry and we talk about why he was on the step but then he refuses to listen/ do something else & it feels like the cycle starts again.

It has felt endless today, after having had a relatively good weekend


He also seems to spend the entire day moaning about how much he wants to see Daddy (daddy working overtime all bloody week).

I am feeling really low. Nobody else's child seems so, what's the turn, spirited/high maintenance/angry all the time. I think it's down to me losing my temper with him all the time.

I am exhausted, my youngest is just turning one & I have no support (in fact I have the opposite- a highly judgemental & critical but completely hands off mother coming to stay tomorrow)

Give me some perspective.

[MisForMumNotMaid]

You sound remarkably together actually for someone who's spent the day out with a 1 and 3 yr old and has a parent visit tomorrow.

My youngest is now 3. I have a 2 year gap between the eldest two so I remember 1 and 3. I remember it particularly strongly because its when my husband walked out. Its a tough age. The good news is it really does get easier. The other good news is that when you have the experience behind you of surviving this with your eldest and observing friends DC doing exactly the same going through this phase next time round is far easier.

I know it doesn't feel like every one elses children are have their challenging moments when you're having a day of it but they really do.

With DD, my third who's 3, i'm so much more laid back. If she wants to throw a wobbler and challenge me I quietly and calmly give her ultimatums that I have no qualms about seeing through. Its a confidence I've learnt.

It does get easier. Your efforts will be rewarded by a wonderfully moulded person developing from the tantrum throwing toddler of today.

This too is just a phase!

[Festivalqueen1]

I have a 3yr old a bit like that, and I lose my temper at the sheer defiance. I know exactly what works with him...but the energy it takes is incredible:

i have to use Lots of positive instruction. instead of using 'dont' and 'stop' i use 'please do this', followed by how proud I will be if he does it first time I ask. Then, huge praise when it works and he is amenable.

If he doesnt do something I ask, I dont ask again, I get my 9 month pregnant backside off the sofa and gently but firmly maneuver him.

[Festivalqueen1]

Having said the above, it is so hard to maintain and with a spirited wilful child, it is necessary to keep your attention on them. not easy when you have another child / sleepless nights etc. I have no idea how I'll cope when this baby is born. Good luck, and dont worry. you really arent alone. I too have no support and partner working all hours. its tougher than tough sometimes.

[startwig1982]

I have my ds who's 3 and dd who's 3 weeks and it's really hard. Although ds's behaviour isn't that bad, because I'm tired, it seems awful. We do timeout and I have to threaten taking away toys to make him stay there. He's good at apologising and we move on but it can be a battle.

Going out with both is proving to be a bit of a challenge!

[Festivalqueen1]

ooh also regarding the hitting, spitting, biting: I nipped that in the bud by removing myself from him. Firstly I put him on time out for about 5 mins or so. the recommended 3 mins never bothered him as he just waited for the timer to get off. he was more concerned when I removed the timer, put him on time out and ignored him, getting on with something until I was ready to talk. im sure super nanny would strike me down for that but it worked. I also didnt cuddle him afterwards. the behaviour was unacceptable and he wasnt going to get a cuddle for saying he was sorry. I merely discussed the behaviour with him when his time was up, thanked him for his apology, and asked him to go and play for 5 mins alone. He has a strong mummy preference so removing myself emotionally for even a short period of time had an effect. hope that helps.

[MexicanSpringtime]

I don't know if this is relevant, but at one point when my dd was nearly three, she was doing a number of things that had to be corrected, but nothing worked. I ended up deciding that she had ceased to love me and without love she would never obey me. So I decided I would only correct one thing at a time and ignore the rest until the worst conduct had been corrected and it worked.