9 year old DD driving me to send her away...(36 Posts)
I'm sorry but this might be long...
I just don't know where to turn any more. Her behavior is becoming so bad that I don't know what to do.
She can cause an argument before I've even woken up properly. She has this constant need to dictate to me and my partner what we are doing. When we are doing it & how long we can. She is rude & so full on that I'm literally at breaking point.
She will talk and answer for everyone even if its an adult conversation. Even if she isn't in the same room you can guarantee her answering it. She has this obsessive habitof ssneaking around, listening to my private (or sometimes not) conversations and will willingly go and repeat them to anyone who will listen (she once told the lollypop lady I was on my period ) she has no filter. At all. She walked up to my sisters boyfriend who she had never met, and stated that she hated him because he looked scary!! Why??!!
That's what I seem to ask myself a lot. Why? At school she is greatwith hher reading. Everything else is poor. She has no friends and is a constant target for bullies. Her teachers want me to do a 'Question book' ... Its a book dd has to carry around with her all the time & write in it before she can ask said question , to make her realize some questions are either a) pointless or b) irrelevant to that situation. (For example, the class where making paper masks and she randomly asked what the weather would be like in Spain?!) Her teacher seems worried but not worried enough. She has to tell dd to be quiet & to concentrate at least 4/5 times before lunch.
Her other 'obsession' is the toilet. If we go into a new house, cafe or restaurant she will hunt out the toilet. Instantly. So now we ask if sherreally really needs to go & we do often go with her now (in the cubicle) to which she admits she doesn't really have to go! That happens a lot in our day to day life. Even at school.
I feel like I'm talking & shouting at a brick wall daily. You can give her instructions and it's like they never left your mouth. She doesn't 'hear' them or 'forgets'
I admit I have fell short a few times & cried in front of her & she just looked at me. Smiles and walks off.
She will answer for me, tell me things that I don't need to know ( she can tell me how many children every teacher has, if they are married or not too) I know who has what & where .
The other thing she does is , for example. I said to her earlier her button was undone on her new PJs .. To which she replied with out even checking no it's not. It's like it shoots out before she knows. She will ask a question. I tell her the answer & all I get is "No its jot" I feel like screaming "WHY ask me then?? If you surly know it!!"
If I'm talking to her step brother , she will start talked for him. I tell her to be quiet & she doesn't. She just carries on talking over me. She gets louder & louder. So her step brother can't talk because she gets in there first.
I feel like I'm raising a 4 year old. It feels that every year she gets older , she gets a year younger. She will fight with my 3 yr old niece for her toys. She is obsessed with babies dolls & buggies. I have seen her get physical & through a massive tantrum if she cannot hold the buggy. She will play with toys in the age range.of 1-3. She cannot do maths at all. She can't even brush her own hair. She has the compulsive need to be a commentator at every event or anything we are doing. She will draw a line on a piece of paper & run in to me shouting me to show me this one line.
I have punished in taking things away. Grounding. Losing out. You name it. But it doesn't count anymore. It's driving a wedge between me & my partner. The whole situation is driving me to sign her over to someone who can cope. Because I'm at my limit now.
I am starting to resent her more and more everyday. I am starting to hate her in fact. I want to love her. I do. But I don't know how anymore. I'm sick of crying & shouting & kicking myself.
What more can I do? Luckily she isn't violent. But still....
This is your daughter and there will be a reason for the way she is. Do you think she will like people being constantly cross with her? She will be feeling your resentment as well.
Personally I think you should call a meeting with the school and see about putting her in assessment to see if she has additional needs of some kind.
Has she been seen by a specialist? Thus does not seem normal for her age. I don't want to upset you but I have an autistic relative who has some of the behaviours you mention. He recall for the children of teachers bit her seeming inability to understand boundaries would hint at her being a possible on the spectrum.
Is she acting this way on purpose, deliberately, for a reaction? Or is she being this way because that's how she is?
please forgive me if I am wrong but I wonder where this is coming from:
She has this constant need to dictate to me and my partner what we are doing. When we are doing it & how long we can.
is your partner her father?
Agree with fanjango. The inappropriateness and failure to understand authority of adults might point to something else.
In the meantime you still have to manage her. I recommend the book "mercury's child" by a brilliant parenting expert called Warwick Dyer.
At least she goes back to school next week!
There sounds like there is an awful lot of things going on for your DD an your family. It must be very difficult to cope with all of that.
I'm not any kind of an expert, but to me it seems that there is more here than simply bad behaviour.
Have you had any meetings with the school's SENCO (special educational needs coordinator)? If her behaviour is poor and she is struggling with basic maths then she needs a lot of support not just a "Question book".
I would also suggest that going to the GP would be a good place to start. Describe all her unusual behaviour like you did in your original post (maybe print it out to show them?) and see if they can refer you on to some specialists.
Wow this sounds really challenging. Well done for hanging in there. I think you should be as proactive as you need to be in seeking support and assessment from wherever possible, school, GP etc. You can't keep doing this alone.
Ok, Firstly, are you sober as you speak right now? I only say that as, bearing in mind the time and it's a bank holiday in the UK, if you're not, you should probably delete this thread asap and rewrite it tomorrow.
If not, I would go and see the school and ask what they think and, if you honestly think there are special needs, push for the resources that are available. I've never even heard of a Question Book, but that's kind of genius!! Good luck x
She was seen by a specialist once. But they were useless tbh. They gave her this kidnap medicine to help her sleep (she sleeps for about 5hours Maximo) and that was it. It was frustrating for all involved but she thoroughly enjoyed the experience.
I'd hate to say she enjoys the reaction she gets. But sometimes I see a flint in her eye. She can be told continuously not to do that certain thing & you can guarantee she does it still. Regardless of the consequences.
My partner isn't her bio dad. No. We have been together since she was 4.
I often wonder how she must feel. I feel bad for her I do. Being told of all the time but you know, it looks like it doesn't register. At all. It is like she doesn't understand. She has made the same mistake over & over & never learns.
My sister asked her the other day when she watched her, does she know she is being naughty & that is why mum cries sometimes? (I had a bit of a breakdown) to which DDE replied yes I do. But its because it rained. That's why .
My sister was a bit confused and said well what if you had to stay with someone else for a while til mum gets better & dd said that would be OK because it wouldn't rain then & then everyone would be happy.
Also not an expert but also suspect that there's more to this than just bad behaviour and you need to get her assessed. Good luck.
TheWholeOfTheSpoon I am completely sober (I do not drink at all, in fact nearly 4 years) indeed it is late, but after a very emotional, teary day I cannot sleep as this just plays on my mind. A lot. I barely sleep as I worry & fret & think about her all the time.
Ok, again I'm not an expert, but many of the things you're describing are typical of autism or Aspergers. There is an online questionnaire test that can indicate whether your child may have autism:
It may be worth filling this out and then discussing the results with your GP. Keep pushing for further referrals to specialists as you need to find an explanation for her unusual behaviour.
I have to say, with a niece who was diagnosed with Asperger's and Dyspraxia at age 7, that Asperger's was what I was thinking too.
I done that questionnaire and it stated that I would need to see a GP for further tests. She scoreda 7 which is medium . Some of the questions were more related to toddler wise Itthought than her age bracket.
It has really put things into perspective now. I don't want to give up in her at all. I have thought Aspergers for a long time. But it's like no one will listen to me. I'm already dreading the morning
Limited, you have to keep pushing and pushing - my sister had to do that for her oldest DD, hence why it took til she was 7 for the dyspraxia diagnosis, and actually her Asperger's diagnosis was about a year after that, thinking about it. Push and push and push - eventually someone will get behind you and help, point you in the right direction, get you seen by the correct people.
I found the comment asking whether you were so sober very offensive and totally inappropriate.
From what you have said your daughter is having difficulty with social communication. It is not caused by something you have done or should have done. It sounds like she has a difficulty in that area.
I would really push for her to be assessed. It is much harder for girls to be assessed because they are such social creatures the effects/symptoms are more subtle. Push via your gp and school. Ask for second opinions if necessary. Good luck
Send her away? She's 9 and your daughter . Pretty much nothing she can do can drive you to send her away.
Try posting on SN children for how AS presents in girls (actually do a search as there have been several threads).
The key thing to remember is that even if you do not have a diagnosis you can start to use similar behavioural strategies if a lot of the issues are the same. The explosive child is a good place to start and any book by Tony Attwood.
One of our biggest breakthroughs (I have two with AS) was treating the behaviour as anxiety driven rather than naughtiness as this really helped us deal with incidents calmly rather than escalating them.
Believe you me at nine sending my two away would have been very tempting but luckily with appropriate support mine have improved vastly. We still get the odd bad day but certainly nothing like we had before.
Ah OP/. You've struggled alone for long enough. DEFINITELY post on the special needs boards they are brilliant over there and will help you on the road to helping your DD.
Your post made me think ASD tendencies too.
In support of the poster who asked if OP was drunk, I think what she was doing was protecting the OP. The title is very emotive and could end up with lots if people piling in giving the OP a pasting, when what is needed is support.
OP it sounds like your DD is really struggling, you will need to push for help for her.
Oneineights treating the behaviour as anxiety driven is excellent.
I hope you can get the help you need. Clearly there are real problems and it's not just a 9 yo being particularly trying.
The whole thing with it not raining anymore and everyone being happy worries me a bit - I would find someone (a professional) who can talk to her about that.
Hang in there
OP, your situation sounds very very tiring and difficult. My son has special needs (AS) with some challenging behaviour, and although I am not a medical expert I would urge you to ask your GP for a referral (maybe to CAHMS?).
Your post was very detailed (the person that asked if you are sober was completely out of order), I really think your daughter needs expert help not only with her behaviour but also with her learning. She very probably needs a diagnosis.
sorry, I posted a mistake earlier. My son has special needs (NOT AT)..
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