Nearly 3 year old and pushing

[feelingquitelost]

My almost 3 year old dd keeps pushing people, she pushes us, her baby sister, other children at nursery. I don't know what to do, when I tell her 'no, stop it' she says 'I want to push'. Nursery says it's just a phase. We put her in a time out when she does it at home but I don't feel like it's making much difference. Any advice on how to put a stop to it?

[BadMother2014]

Do you use a time out method. You should make a behaviour chart and reward her good behaviour and if she pushes someone you take something away on the chart. Give her an incentive like a day out or whatever if she completes her good behavioru chart for the week

[Iggly]

When does she do it?

Say no pushing and tell her to stand still and tell x she's cross (I'm assuming that's it?).

[mipmop]

As well as telling a young child what not to do, also talk about emotions and tell them what to do when they feel sad / scared / angry etc. My 3yo and I have been talking about this stuff recently, and he likes role playing, so we created a game out of it. He will pretend to be angry / scared whatever but won't tell me he feels bad, so I can't help him. Then it's my turn to feel bad and he'll say "What's wrong? I can't help you if you don't tell me. Tell me what's wrong and I'll help you." The role-playing seems to be getting through. Also we talk about how everyone gets angry / sad etc and what people might do (push, grab , cry... tell someone they feel bad) and which of these options can help them to feel better.

[mipmop]

We've also talked about walking away.
(My 3yo has a friend who is going through a very bossy phase, so I've told my child to walk away or tell me when the friend is doing certain things like shrieking.)

[lauriebear]

www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/3-year-old-picking-up-pushing-hitting-from-peers-at-school I found the bit where she numbers stuff on how to deal with it helpful in my similar situation. Don't be mortified just give her the tools to express herself verbally not physically, the timeout and no explanation as to why it's wrong and what to do about it might just make her more frustrated and aggressive. She is probably mimicking another childs behaviour and since she has language skills now you might find (worth a go) saying first why pushing is mean - "we don't push because it upsets/hurts people" then trying to teach empathy "you wouldn't like to be pushed, would you? How would you feel if I did it?" then sympathy "why do you want to push? Are you frustrated? Do you not want to do this thing?" Then verbalise what she should do instead and why. This really helped us because we taught DC how to cope with frustration instead of just chastising or isolating we gave them the skills and ability to talk through situations that frustrated them/they disagreed with and they came to an understanding as to why it was necessary (and complied)e.g. "I can see you don't like being in the shopping trolley but maybe you can help me get the shopping done faster so we can go home and play this way" or they were able to negotiate a solution making everything more harmonious "why don't we pretend the trolley is a car to make this more fun? You can point which way to go!" HTH

[lauriebear]

x post with mipmop there - I think I will try the walking away thing with my DC too, that's a great tip, thanks.

[feelingquitelost]

She does it if she thinks someone is about to do something she doesn't like, for example if I am going to do something she doesn't want me to or her sister is coming close to her toys. She also does it if another child is annoying her. Sometimes she just seems to do it because I'm there, or dh is there or whoever. I do try to talk to her about how she feels and identify what has triggered the pushing, why it is not nice and how it feels, but she is not that verbal and cannot really express herself that well. I will try to talk more about what she should do instead and maybe role playing too.

[Iggly]

If she isn't that verbal I would get her hearing checked. Just in case.

[feelingquitelost]

She can definitely hear, she is speaking in 2 languages, I just think her English is a bit behind some of her peers, not by any means all though. It is her minority language though.

[Iggly]

Can she understand them? It might be frustration that she cannot make herself understood properly.

[feelingquitelost]

I think it is sometimes frustration, but I think she is also a bit defiant/stubborn as she will just ignore things that she doesn't want to respond to but she always hears if it's something she wants. It could be she is just learning to stand up for herself at nursery and is copying that behaviour at home. Though I think she often starts it there too. I was quite a hitter as a child too, mostly to my younger sibling but I'm not sure what would have stopped me, I just got the rage and hit out. It wasn't until she properly hit me back that I stopped. My parents did try many ways before that though.

[feelingquitelost]

I think those 10 steps could help, it is hard to have that one to one time sometimes and I tend to think I should be spending any one to one time doing an activity as I think she is frustrated by the baby interrupting everything. I guess spending time just cuddling her and talking to her would be a good start and that is probably something I also lacked a bit as a child.