My son ignores me. What can I do?(8 Posts)
My son is 2 in October but for a year now he has always preferred his dad. Im with him majority of the time so I originally put it down to him missing his dad. But over the past few months it has become worse, my son now refuses to even acknowledge im here. He will cry when his dad leaves for work and will run up and give him a cuddle when he gets back. He will happily play with his dad but whenever I try to play with him he ignores me and will go off and play on his own. He doesn't cry when I got to work or give me a cuddle when I get back, why is he doing this? He spends Monday afternoons with his Godmother so I can have the afternoon to do some house work but he now cries when she drops him off, so he prefers being with her too! I do everything his dad and his Godmother do, I take him out to the park, play with him but it makes no difference. Take just now for instance, he fell out of his bed (its only a foot off the ground) I ran upstairs when I heard it, he was sat next to him bed not the least bit phased by his fall but I picked him up to check him over and he burst into tears when I picked him up! Last night we were all walking home he was holding his dads hand but refused to hold mine!
It might not sound like much but it is really starting to get to me and I don't want to get to the point when I say to myself "Why do I bother? I feed him, clothe him, bathe him and do my best to play with him and Im getting nothing back". I used to put it down to a phase he was going though, which I read some children do, and when people would ask how he is I would laugh it off and say he's a real daddys boy, but now it is getting to the point were I honestly believe he doesn't love me and wouldn't care if I was here or not. I'm in constant tears over this, I am genuinely hurt. His dad and my family tell me its just a phase and as soon as he gets a bit older he will understand more, but it been a year so I dont think its a phase and why should I be missing out on my sons first years of cuddles and love.
What am I doing wrong and what can I do, I feel like Im failing as a mother . I have always said I didnt want anymore children but would possibly rethink in a few years time but this has made my mind up and I dont want to go though this again it hurts too much!
That sounds really tough. How old is he now? How long has it been like this for?
How much time does he actually spend with you during the week, and is he in some kind of childcare when you're at work?
I am quite sure that he does love you, by the way, but I can see how downhearted you must get if he isn't showing it to you.
I only work part time so he spends majority of the week with me, I work on his dad's days off so he can have him, so apart from being with his Godmother on a Monday afternoon he's at home with me.
So when you're at home with him, after his dad has left for work, does he literally ignore you all day? Or is it just that he doesn't come to you and show affection? Will he interact with you, is he talking yet?
I would try very hard not to take it to heart. He's only 22 months ish, far too young to be actually aware of what he's doing.
I would also have a read of a book called Toddler Calm, which has some really useful advice on how to interact with little ones. I found it really helpful to think about how a little toddler sees the world.
I would also keep telling your son, cheerfully and without any tears, that you love him. Give him lots of hugs etc and praise him when he does anything that is well behaved, kind, gentle etc.
I don't have the answers to this but I can share my experience. Before i had children I would never in a million years have imagined it would be like this when I had a child. Since my DD was 9 mths old shes had a distinct preference for her dad and an aversion to me when daddy is around. Ive been through a range of emotions over this covering hurt, sadness, depression, pain, anger, inferiority complex you name it. Ive always tried to to take into account that shes only a baby and not capable of making decisions or have preferences etc but it still hurts no matter what anyone tells me! Shes 2 now and ive only just started to come to terms with it to be completely honest. Its taken me a long time to accept that shes a daddys girl and she always will be. The worst thing for me has been when shes been ill or hurt or needed comfort- she always wants her dad and wants nothing to do with me when all I want to do is hold her and comfort her and feel completely redundant in the background while daddy comforts her. Its awful.
I have had alsorts of advice over this and the main thing I get is its just a phase, it will come back round to you soon. Well it hasn't. Not yet. But im so used to it now that I just let it be nowadays. I know what to expect at weekends and evenings so I just stay around, carry on with the care while she says "no mummy, daddy do it, daddy read it". Just this morning she was on the sofa watching tv with daddy and I came in and sat down with them on the sofa and she pushed me away physically and said "no go and sit over there mummy! Don't sit here." This is a normal thing for her to say to me when dads around. We just say "no, that's not nice. We're a family. We sit with each other and are kind to each other" and I stay put. What else can you do???
Thats exactly it! I did manage to get him to play with me today but it did take a lot of effort from my side to keep him intrested in me and what we were playing but as soon as daddy walking in he switched off me completley! Hes not speaking yet, he does say a few words (No, Oww, juice) but the majority is jibberish, he understands what things are, we will ask him "Where's Lion, drum, ball ect" and he will go and get them, so he knows what they are so he does understand what we are asking but hes more of a thinking than a speaker.
Everyones saying its a phase but Im missing out on so much! Im just feeling like im failing and im not good enough! I know its not his dads fault but whenever I get upset about it I lash out at him, just wishing things could be different
You've just got to think though how can you be a failure? Is he loved, well cared for, happy, safe, clean etc? If so then of course you're not a failure. I always feel second class with my DD but I look at how shes thriving and beautiful she is and think that's because of me (and DH of course!) So I cant feel a failure. I just think shes exerting her independence and putting across that she can make her own choices. She doesn't understand that its upsetting me as shes not capable of empathy. I fully understand how you feel though, its not nice but they're not doing it on purpose. You've just got to stick together with DH and say "we're a family and we do things together" and keep saying it. Sooner or later they'll get the message, I hope!!
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