Joint webchat with Conservative and Labour housing minister and shadow housing minister, MONDAY 2 MARCH 1pm x

Is my baby playing me?????

(37 Posts)
Taler Tue 05-Aug-14 15:01:03

I really want to give her the benefit of the doubt but she's making it so hard!!!

She is sleeping soooooooo badly at the mo!!!!!

And she's gotten into the habit of pooing when you put her down, which she never used to do. Does she really know at 9 months that poo = being picked up and changed?

I feel there has been no consistency whatsoever with her sleeps, especially her night time one!

What does "going through the night" mean? She hasn't had a feed for months but she inevitably wakes for what seems no apparent reason pretty much every night!

It's driving me bonkers

TheGirlFromIpanema Tue 05-Aug-14 15:17:44

A nine month baby could OBVIOUSLY not play you They don't exactly have much control over there bowel movements either hmm

I am struggling to understand how you could get to a stage in life where you have a nine month old baby yet you seem to believe a baby needs to be given the benefit of doubt over weather their sleep patterns are (I assume) all about annoying you confused

I hope this isn't a real OP.

TheGirlFromIpanema Tue 05-Aug-14 15:18:22

their obviously.

itiswhatitiswhatitis Tue 05-Aug-14 15:19:52

Fairly certain a 9 month old can't poo on cue! But I remember thinking some pretty irrational things when I was sleep deprived grin

CultureSucksDownWords Tue 05-Aug-14 15:32:11

No, she is not "playing you", it's just not possible for her to be manipulative at this age. In fact, not for a very long time yet.

It's just an unfortunate coincidence combined with sleep deprivation.

"Sleeping through" means 5 hours of unbroken sleep eg from 12 to 5 am. Have you seen the Isis sleep project for explanations of baby sleep patterns? I have found it very helpful.

Taler Tue 05-Aug-14 15:53:23

Thank you everyone except for the girlfromIpanema. I can only hope to be as clever as you one day

CultureSucksDownWords Tue 05-Aug-14 16:13:01

It does seem like sleep is all over the place when they're this age. If she's waking in the night not for a feed or for a change then it could well be a bit of separation anxiety. In which case keep doing what you're doing and she'll come out the other side.

Alternatively it could be teething pain if she is grumpy or otherwise unsettled.

widdle Tue 05-Aug-14 17:04:09

I understand where you are coming from OP - my 14 month old is going through a horrible sleep pattern too at the moment and I have had some very irrational thoughts at 3am grin

Unfortunately I think Culture may be right - some babies have a sleep regression around this age (and at 14 months apparently hmm)

My DS will also wait until I have just changed him then do a massive poo - it feels deliberate to me...

itiswhatitiswhatitis Tue 05-Aug-14 18:00:11

I think we all assume that babies just start to sleep for gradually longer and longer stretches and then finally sleep all the way through and some do, ds1 was a dream but ds2 was a total bugger at 6 months he slept a solid 4/5 hours but after that would wake up sometimes hourly, sometimes 2 hourly or be awake for the day at 4am. There was no rhyme nor reason to his sleep patterns and frankly it was awful!

Taler Tue 05-Aug-14 19:32:58

Ok, so having done some reading it would seem the sleep regression is a big possibility.

My question though is how best to deal with it?

I want my baby to feel safe and secure knowing that if she felt unwell me and my DH would be there, or if she woke up with those big cries (you know the ones, that are so full on) where it's a bad dream we would go into her. BUT she can't get used to us going in at every single time she cries.

Take tonight, she has already woken twice (and only got taken to bed an hour and a half ago), both times we went in, took her out and settled her properly. This is after last night her sleeping AWFULLY (probably had maybe 3 hours in total, broken! And only 1 nap today!).

If we let her cry though she inevitably would just work herself up so much whereby she then sometimes vomits!! Naturally we want to avoid that but how the hell do we do so as well as let her cry?!?!??

hollie84 Tue 05-Aug-14 19:37:46

I never left mine to cry because I want them to know I will always come to them. But you have to decide what works best for you.

Can she settle herself to sleep at bedtime or do you put her down asleep?

ThisIsLID Tue 05-Aug-14 19:38:36

I wouldn't let her cry tbh. Gentler approaches work better ime.
What we did with dc2 is to put her back in the cot, all calm, and stay with her with our hand on her belly. She usually fell back asleep quite easily. As her breathing calmed down, we've remove our hand slowly and went out if the room. This allowed her to learn to settle herself again wo going through all the crying etc.
that and keeping the room dark when we went in. Light, I found, worked like a sign it was time to get up!

DanaBarrett Tue 05-Aug-14 19:47:02

Babies don't have wants, only needs, and those needs are intense. Could she be teething? Is she having a developmental leap (check the wonder weeks)? Sorry to say it but if she's not sleeping she has a need that has to be filled else she will continue to cry. What you do is up to you though. She will eventually 'get used' to not being picked up if she cries, but really a bit of team work is needed.

One of you calm baby while the other makes teA/does housework/whatever, then swap for a bit.

If she's simply not tired, I've found the simplest thing to do is to take them back downstairs and let them play while you get on with what you need to do. But sheath simply want cuddles and reassurance too.

MrsChickPea Tue 05-Aug-14 19:56:24

Hello... Taler you said (at 19:32:58) that she's woken twice tonight after only going to bed an hour and a half a go. Perhaps that was a bit early? I can only go from my experience, but at that age, we stuck to a bed by 7pm routine and that worked well. 6pm seems a little early. Obviously the rest of the world might tell me I'm wrong! Only illness and starting school made us go to an earlier bed time (only for brief period).

CultureSucksDownWords Tue 05-Aug-14 20:00:19

Honestly, at that age, I did go to my DS every time he woke crying and I never left him to cry on his own for more than a few seconds just to see if he would settle.

I used some of the techniques already mentioned - stayed by his cot and stroked his back until asleep. Occasionally picking him up if he wasn't settling, calming him and then trying again. IMO the more you can reassure them and respond to them at this age the more secure they are as they get older.

It may be a complete coincidence but my DS is now (at 2 years plus) a really good sleeper who rarely wakes in the night and will go to bed with no bother 99 times out of 100.

Poppet45 Tue 05-Aug-14 20:05:23

Sleep regressions are the time you most desperately feel like resorting to sleep 'training' but also the times when they are least likely to suceed.

Taler Tue 05-Aug-14 20:11:42

Mrs Chickpea, her bedtime is usually about 7:30 but after last night having the worst night sleep and today the only nap she had was this morning, waking at 10:40, meaning being awake for over 7 and a half hours!!!

I did try to settle her for a nap after lunch but even though she had displayed signs prior, she fought it every step of the way so eventually got her up and then it became too late for any daytime naps.

That's why we brought bath/bottle/bed forward tonight - she was v ratty and RIDICULOUSLY tired!

Just come back from yet another waking!!! Hand on her chest did nothing, picked her up and she stopped crying instantly. If there was god forbid something 'wrong' then she wouldn't have stopped crying straight away or settle again so easily.

I'm sure it must be down to her developmental leap. Just don't know how to manage this, having had only 2 hours sleep last night and work tomorrow sad

CultureSucksDownWords Tue 05-Aug-14 20:18:52

Would it help to think of the thing that is "wrong" is that she is in need of reassurance. Hence her stopping crying when you pick her up - you fixed what was wrong.

The need for reassurance and comfort is just as real a need as a nappy change or hunger. Arguably it's more important.

Do you have a partner around who could do some of the settling so that you get some sleep?

DoYouThinkSheSawUs Tue 05-Aug-14 20:20:11

There might not be anything "wrong" except she needs you. It really is ok to pick them up, let them sleep on your lap in the evening if they want, go to them for every little cry. It doesn't make them needy, they will grow out of you needing to so that.
That she stopped crying when you picked her up just showed that it was you she needed smile

DoYouThinkSheSawUs Tue 05-Aug-14 20:21:07

What Culture said, grin

CultureSucksDownWords Tue 05-Aug-14 20:23:05

Snap grin

Kewrious Tue 05-Aug-14 20:27:55

Sometimes I would do this manoeuvre where I would 'pick up' but DS would still be in the cot. So hand under head and cradle him but not actually lift him. And once he was calm, I would just leave a hand on his back. If she hasn't had a feed in months at night then you are sort of on the right track, just keep things calm. In the dark, just do the semi cot pick up, settle and say 'night night'. Rinse and repeat for days on end. Also, someone once said to me, 'talk to your kid before bedtime, even as a baby', tell them you will go to sleep and Mummy and Daddy will be there, but you sleep by yourself etc etc. and repeat ad nauseum, and one day they will understand. It all sounded a bit hippy and I am not one, but I resorted to it. Also can you have the cot in your room, so at night when she awakes,you just lean over and put a hand on her back as reassurance. We did that for a long time, and one day he didn't need it any more. It was all more gentle than CC or CIO and we never had regressions when he was ill/teething etc. I was v firm that night time was sleep time, and kept the fuss to the minimum but did offer reassurance again with minimal fuss.

DoYouThinkSheSawUs Tue 05-Aug-14 20:31:34

But you said it better grin

OP - I know it's hard on little sleep. No, really, - I KNOW. Dd1 didn't sleep more than 2 hours in a row until 2yo and regularly had sleep regressions where it was hourly. And she wouldn't accept DP as an acceptable substitute.
Not everyone's bag but we had to cosleep in the end. I survived. Hellish at times, but I lived, and now at 2 she sleeps for England, and becoming more and more independent. Not clingy. Accept all offers of daytime help so you can nap. Get to work early so you can catnap in the car etc. good luck smile

creamandsugar Tue 05-Aug-14 20:33:07

Any changes in her diet at all? Pooing when you out her down, think back to what she ate/drank? Reflux? Put something under back legs of cot to have head little higher than feet.

mummytime Tue 05-Aug-14 20:33:55

You and her Dad need to share so you both get enough sleep to function. Don't leave her to cry, she will work herself up.
She will not be crying for you in the night when she is 18, however much you "spoil" her now and pander to her needs. What you need to do is whatever works for your family. It will get better, but won't settle into a real routine for up to 18 months. There are always teeth, colds, light nights etc. to disrupt things.

Btw I had a child who cried themselves to sleep, it was a bit noisy but only lasted a few minutes and was different to a distressed cry.

Cut back on everything else to help you get through this time. Good luck.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now