Feeling like a crap mum re Ds behaviour and speech.

[Yoruba]

Just looking for advice about my 2.1 year old ds. I feel like I have completely let him down. His speech seems far behind that of his peers, though I think he has the recommended amount of words for his age and will sometimes combine words they are talking in full coherent sentences and nobody but me can really understand ds.

By this age my dd (5) could recite the words to hairy Maclairy and knew a long repertoire of songs etc. I know you shouldn't compare, I do, but I just feel as if I had tried harder then maybe ds would be talking better. All the info online says that it's basically down to parental input. The last year has been pretty full on, I project managed the renovation of our house, moved and had baby ds (12 weeks) but I feel this has caused me to let ds down, I should have prioritised him. :(

His behaviour is also really worrying. If I tell him off he shouts at me. He's defiant, stubborn and difficult. He also has a violent streak which I didn't experience with dd. hits, bites ( not hard, leaves teeth indentation and an "ouch" but no mark IYSWIM but still!!) throws things, doesn't listen, runs off. I just don't know what to do. I feel like a complete failure.

I don't know when he is trying to be difficult and when he doesn't understand eg at bedtime we were reading a book and talking about the fruit in the picture, I pointed at the bananas and named them, then at the oranges. Ds said "no NANAS!" I said "look ds, there are the bananas, those are oranges." He started screaming that they were bananas. Thing is I'm pretty sure he knew they were oranges, he's named them before. So does he not know or is he just being stroppy?

Please help me, I feel like such an awful mum.

[ThisFenceIsComfy]

I could have written this, word for word.

No advice at all sorry.

I'm at a loss too

[JellyMould]

You're not an awful mum at all, you just have a two year old! His language and behaviour sounds well within the normal range to me. My two year old would also argue that black was white (oranges were bananas) if the fancy took her.

[JellyMould]

Having said that, has he had any ear infections? The not listening, feelings of frustration and speech that is hard to understand are all sometimes linked to glue ear/ temporary hearing loss.

[Iggly]

He's a 2 year old. You've forgotten what two year olds are like.

Plus girls are generally ahead than boys when it comes to speech. My 2 year old dd is compared to her brother at the same age.

Don't beat yourself down and read up on two year old behaviour. Also spend some time with him one on one and you'll see his good sides too.

[Yoruba]

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling really emotional tonight after a difficult day.

Jelly: no no ear infections. I did push for a hearing test at 14 months as I wondered if something wasn't right (no words then) the HV assured me he was fine but didn't test. He has his 2 year review coming up is I may ask again. He can hear me calling him etc I think though chooses to ignore it !

Iggly: I did wonder if I've just forgotten what it's like. Or if I'm subconsciously comparing him to dd now at 5. Plus: I KNOW all children are different but I just feel as if I could maybe have prevented it somehow. It's hard sometimes with three :( dd does talk a lot too, I have to tell her to let ds answer sometimes.

What worries me is everyone we meet seems to think he's behind speech wise.

He does have a very sweet side, I adore him. He's very kind to his brother, takes great care to be gentle, lies on the play mat with him, has never intentionally hit him driven a train down his face though but will wallop dd for no reason how do I deal with that?

[Iggly]

OK if you think he has a hearing problem I would take him to the gp and get a referral. Skip the HV as they're fobbing you off.

Also you can work on his speech. So tell your dd to be quiet as it is ds's turn (my ds doesn't let pur two year old talk at times).

As for hitting - tell him no firmly and keep a watch out for incidents when it happens so you can anticipate and distract. Sometimes my dd goes to lash out but I can usually get there to intervene (if I am in the room) and tell her no to be gentle. She's good at changing hitting to stroking now! They're quite difficult to reason with at this age - more straight forward instructions work better.

[ElPolloDiabolo]

Two probably massive generalisations here but they seem to hang true... Girls tend to pick up speech faster than boys. First borns tend to pick up speech faster than subsequents.

You could start gentle exclusion discipline such as 2 mins on the 'thinking step' for hitting or biting. We had this, and coupled with consistent, calm and firm "do not hit / bite" response seemed to phase it out.

[Jennifersrabbit]

They all develop at such different rates. My DS was similar if not worse aged 2.1, then had a vocabulary and grammar explosion around 2.5. Aged 4 you couldn't shut him up - I remember nurserys faces when I asked if they had any concerns about his speech

My mum who was once a community paed was most reassuring and kept saying to me 'two words at two is fine' (he had a bit more than that!)

Does he communicate well in other ways and seem to understand what you say to him? That can be more significant than how many words. DS made a handful of words do the work of a whole dictionary!

Parental input does matter but it sounds like you are doing just fine with him! Remember what he doesn't get from you he will be getting from his sister. By all means ask for a hearing test but you haven't let him down at all.

Behaviour sounds in the normal toddler range if on the trying end, and the usual firm but gentle strategies others have suggested should hopefully sort it.

Best of luck.

[WAFFLEO]

I could have written your post this time a year ago, as DS2 was hardly talking at all. He's now 3 and a half and is really coming along. I also thought that there was something wrong with his hearing, but the preschool he went to assured me that he was absolutely fine with them.

DS1 (5) was miles ahead at the age DS2 is now, but they are both completely different children. I hope that DS2 doesn't struggle at school but his skills seem to lie in taking things apart and mechanical aspects rather than DS1's general academic flair.

As a final note,you may find that your DC will be completely different with different people - I was convinced that DS2 didn't know his colours or recognise his name and that he didn't understand lots of things, but the preschool workers look at me like I'm mad if I raise it as he can do all of the things I think he can't, he just doesn't do it when I'm there. For example, they have to find their name and stick it on a board in the morning and every time I was there, he would mess around, even if I ignored him but when my friend dropped him off she said he went straight to the names, picked his out, stuck it on the board and sat down - infuriating! Obviously, if you think there is a real problem, pursue it, but it could just be a personality difference between your first child and second.

[WAFFLEO]

With regards to the hitting, DS2 will lash out at his brother, but if I see it escalating I start a '1,2,3' count and then remove DS2 if he can't calm down and move away and if he does hit he goes straight into a time-out for a couple of minutes. He thrives on attention - either good or bad if you see what I mean, so I just take that away. Good luck! And you sound like you're doing everything you can - the 2-4 year old bit can seem like some kind of punishment!

[orangepudding]

I would recommend you speak to a speech tjerapist. In my area they have drop in clinics once a month so you can discuss whether or not your child needs a referral.
I say this because my son now six has verbal dyspraxia. He is the youngest of three. I did compare him to his siblings but was told by those around me that his speech was behind because he was a boy, he would catch up etc. I didn't seek help until he was four. I regret not asking for help at 2 when I knew there was a problem.
The chances are your son will catch up but it's worth getting some reassurance from a professional.

[BravePotato]

Boys can be very different to girls.

But you are not allowed to say that on MN.

Boys typically develop speech later than girls.

They are also less likely to sit still and do quiet activities.

They are also great fun, and it gets easier!

[headoverheels]

I experienced this with my DS2 at the same age - the speech issues and the stubbornness and violence (hitting not biting in his case). After my DS1 and DD, who were not like this at all, it came as a real shock! Like you I tried not to compare, but it's so difficult.

Don't despair. Stay calm and consistent. He is just being a two year old (albeit more challenging than some) and will eventually outgrow it. My DS2 is now a relatively well behaved 4yo - I honestly never thought I'd be able to say that!

[Boofuls]

I just came on here to write almost the exact same post, you have my sympathies! DS is 2.5 and I'm currently 31 weeks with DC2 and wondering why I am letting myself in for this again. This morning he has been on the naughty step countless times, to no avail. He has just successfully pulled the curtain rail from the wall and when I tell him off, he just laughs. Am hiding in the other room to calm down and get a break...

[LittlePink]

Its not just my DD then! Shes 2.2 yrs old and so defiant and uncooperative. Had an awful day with her yesterday, this morning was looking like it was going to turn out much the same way but then we went to a friends house which diffused the situation and she was lovely, then I parcelled her off to bed for a nap as soon as we'd got home and had a quick lunch. Shes so up and down, i never know what shes going to be like from one minute to the next. Im wondering what round 2 will be like when she gets up. Her behaviour is on the whole difficult and her favourite word is NO! Next favourite "i don't like it". Next "don't touch me!" Next "go away mummy". You get the jist. All very normal I hear. Great.

[Yoruba]

Just thought I'd come back and update this thread.

He hasn't bitten since (thank god)

After I posted this we started doing "exclusion" a bit, so when he hit we just removed him from the situation said no firmly and that we don't hit. Left him for a minute. Then got him to say sorry (pretty standard I guess) he is still hitting a bit but much better and he is t defiant about it anymore when told off, also if I hold his hand whilst he does it he will kiss it better, say sorry and say "are you ok?".

I'm going to get his hearing checked though as he now tells me he can't hear me. Though if I ask him what I've said he can repeat it back to me so I don't know. Best to check though I think so we are on a very long referral list!

We'll see how things go next week now dh is back at work and dd at school!