2 1/2 year old bad behaviour

[Mummy93]

Hey everyone :)
Just after some advice about my 2 and a half year old boy. His behaviour has never been great but it's getting worse. All started when he was around 14-15months old so we just made a joke of terrible 2's started early. But it's gotten worse and worse! For instance.... He doesn't listen to a word that anyone says, not me, his dad, grandparents, he just screams when he's asked to do something and runs off or makes a noise like 'arrgghh' and just ignores us. We have a 9 month old daughter who he is horrible to. He won't share with her, he hits her when she cries, anything she grabs he'll take off her with a lot of force and then push her over if she's sag up. We also have a dog who he's horrible to if she's the slightest bit in the way he will pull her ears of her fur and smack her constantly. He doesn't play nicely he throws things everywhere which I know isn't bad behaviour it's just kids playing but he purposely throws things at our tv and has broken 2 Tv's in 6 weeks costing us over £1000 in replacements. The other day he pulled off the wallpaper in the hallway causing us to redecorate majority of the house. When he was told off and told not to do it he went back to it half hour later and pulled off more. If he can't do something or told no and is picked up to be moved away from something he smacks me and his dad in the face with anger. He constantly tries to get hold of anything to mark the walls or draw on them or get hold of anything in cupboards and pull everything out. We have put locks on every single door of the house to prevent this but it's like living in a prison, for instance we will go in the kitchen to get a drink or something and when I say lets go sit down in the living room he will throw a paddy and scream as loud as he can and smack his head on the floor just because I've asked him to leave the room so I can lock the door as he cant be trusted in there alone. He won't sleep in his own bed anymore since moving house 4 months ago. At our old house he couldn't reach his bedroom handle so he no choice but to stay in there and go to sleep and never had issues we would put him to bed and he wouldn't attempt to get out. But here he won't stay in there as he can reach the handles and when we constantly put him back to bed he screams and screams hitting us which leads to him waking up his sister, spent hours doing this eveey night till 3-4am he doesn't give in and I need sleep so he ends up in our bed. Even if I stay in him room he doesn't stay in there he will constantly try to get in our room which is horrible as it leads to me and my partner having disrupted sleep as throighoit the night he will scream and kick us in the face or body if we are near him. If we leave the house he isn't any better when he's told it's time to go or if he can't go somewhere he screams and cries and kicks us when we pick him up, he won't sit in his pushchair and he won't always walk or if he does he doesn't stop when asked to or anything, or he just wants to be carried everywhere and as you can imagine it's hard work as he's quite heavy, especially when trying to push another pushchair.
We thought we'd have a family day out a few days ago to gullivers land. He pretty much cried all day because he didn't want to walk or didn't want to sit in his pushchair, and embarassed us as it isn't a little cry or scream it's a full on paddy. I'm getting to my wits end, I'm tired, I'm drained me and my partner argue constantly because he doesn't think he's that bad or just says he's a kid what do you expect. I know every child is different but I've never seen a child act the way he does day in day out. He isn't talking yet which makes things more difficult as he cries everytime he wants something and never know what hr wants and he's frustrated cause he can't tell us.
I've tried reasoning with him and bribing a little but nothing works. I've tried sticker charts but he doesn't understand it he just cries fir hours that he can't have it and can't have all the stickers in one go. Tried naughty step he just runs off constantly or runs upstairs and causes havoc. Please any advice/help would be appreciated. Thanks :)

[CultureSucksDownWords]

That all sounds really stressful, no wonder you're at the end of your tether.

Firstly I would say forget about the stickers and the naughty step. He's too little, and not being very verbal will also be a hindrance with this.

Instead of concentrating on all the poor behaviour, can you try and flip it around to focus on any good behaviour? Praise him like mad when he does any tiny thing that is nice, helpful, well behaved, kind etc. Plan into your day several points where you can play with him and give him your undivided attention. Make sure you give him lots of praise when you're doing this.

When he does something you don't like, rather than "tell him off", can you change it around to tell him what he can do instead? So with the wallpaper pulling off, you could say "we don't pull wallpaper off the wall, DS" and then suggest something that he can do with craft paper instead. When he throws things that he shouldn't, you can say "we don't throw toys, but you can come and throw your soft ball with me". That way he can do the physical things that he wants to do, but in a constructive way that is safe.

You also need to have a serious talk with your DP about having a united front. You need to agree on a strategy and a plan that you both are happy with and support. It isn't on for your DP to say that this is what children are like. You both need to help him learn how to behave in the way you would like - he isn't going to magically do it on his own.

[plinth]

It all sounds extremely difficult and stressful. You have my sympathies.

How was he before his sister came along? Could the combination of a house move and a new sister have triggered the behaviour?

The non verbal part made me wonder if there's anything going on with him. It must be very frustrating for him not to be able to effectively express himself.

[Mummy93]

Thanks for your replies :)
I do reward a hell of a lot when he does something good, and I do distract and say lets go do something else, but it's like he doesn't understand all he sees is that I'm asking him go stop and move away so he just stands thanks and screams and stamps his feet and will try and throw something or hit something.
His behaviour started when he was around 14-15 months when I first found out was pregnant with my 2nd so don't think it caused it. He never really understood that I was pregnant or he was having a sister, with moving house I understand that could be the trigger to him not sleeping in his room, but behaviour wise he was much easier at our old house so don't think that is the trigger. He has been a bit worse since little girl came along, he is horrible to her as I've mentioned, he hits her, won't hold her or cuddle her or give her a kiss or give her toys. She just sits there looking so upset as she just wants to play with him now she's crawling around, not sure how to handle that. Hr does help with feeding her and giving her a drink etc
Even toys we buy perscifically for her he will take off her and play with its horrible to watch.
With his speech it is being dealt with by hv he us being referred to speech therapy in a few months if no improvement. I can understand his frustration through it. It's quite strange as he seems to go backwards, he said mum and dad around 9-10 months old and then never said it since. Still can't now. He can't join words together though like 'get off' 'whats that' and can say 'let it go' from the frozen film. But not basic words.

[CultureSucksDownWords]

Do you have any time in the week when it is just you and DS? Could your DP take the baby for a couple of hours to let you spend some focused time with your DS?

Also I found the book "Toddler Calm" to be a very helpful book. It takes a different look at how to manage behaviour which I found made a lot of sense to me. There's a website and I think also parenting classes if you think it might help.

[Mummy93]

No get no time alone with them individually.
Family aren't always avaliable as my family works a lot, and partners family make excuses.
My partner doesn't take the kids out on their own or without me, don't really know why tbh.
We managed to have a break from kids other day but was spent decorating due to my little boy stripping wallpaper off. Only time me and my partner spent together for months if not a year was to go for a meal for our anniversary and even then was on a time limit as my mum was watching kids and she wanted to go home as been at work all day.
So yeah I barely get 5 mins to myself or with my partner, my little boy usually gets up when we do at 7am, sometimes maybe 2-3 time a week has an hour nap during day but during that time I clean and tidy up and have little girl to deal with. And then doesn't go bed till we do around 11pm maybe midnight as he won't go in his own room. So never have any time away from him it's full on all day. I'm echausted and then obv he wakes us up during night by kicking us etc.
When I say I need a break to my partner he just says well I don't get a break. But he does as he's at work 9hrs a day, 6 days a week he doesn't see it as break which I understand he still doing something but he isn't around screaming, moaning, demanding kids all day. Whereas I am.
I'm loosing patience with it all due to lack of sleep and lack of control over my little boy. I leave the house maybe once a fortnight if that and that's only with my partner as won't go on my own due to how bad my little boy is outside and most of the time my partner doesn't want to go out as he's having a break from working and wants to chill all day, which leads to me doing everything round the house all day again alone and with the kids. :(

[noblegiraffe]

That all sounds very difficult and I think you need to communicate better to your partner that you need some time on your own without the children before you crack. Even an hour in the evening to have a bath or go for a run or something.

A couple of things struck me from your posts. The first is that you say your little boy doesn't go to bed till 11pm/midnight, and gets up at 7. This means he is getting way less sleep than he needs at this age, and that could be contributing to his behaviour. You say he can't go to bed earlier because he won't go in his room - could you put him to bed in your room earlier? If he is keeping you awake with kicking, could you put a mattress for him on your floor? Could you go to bed earlier? Really you want to be trying to get him to sleep in his own room but that would be easier to tackle if you weren't chronically sleep deprived yourself, so you need to try to make things easier there.

The other thing is that you say you don't leave the house very often. Being cooped up in the house is going to increase the likelihood of things getting destroyed - staying in leads to boredom, cabin fever and too much energy. Children need to get out of the house. Is there a park nearby that is easy to get to? Can you get a buggy board for your DD's pushchair for when he won't walk, and reins for when he will? You need to get him out somewhere where he can run around and let off steam like a park or softplay. If he burns off energy he will probably be better behaved at home, and probably sleep better too. My DS had to be walked twice a day when he was that age otherwise his sleep was terrible.

If you have talked to the HV about his speech, have you mentioned his behaviour? She might have some tips too.

[CultureSucksDownWords]

Do you know what I think would help? Your DP needs to take one or both of the children regularly on his own. To give you a break and to also improve his relationship with them.

He could easily take your DS to an activity on his day off, for the benefit of your DS and you. He's going to have to accept that when you have DC you don't just get to "chill" any more.

Is he home in time for when it should be DS's bedtime? Or could he take some annual leave so that he could be around for a week or so? I think you're going to need his help to sort out bedtimes. Your DS sounds very overtired which is probably causing a lot of the behaviour.

If you and your DP could work on his bedtime together for a solid chunk of time then you could crack it. One of you should be dealing with your DD and one of you focussing on your DS. Do a calming and quiet bedtime routine and then do whatever you need to do to get him to fall asleep in his own bed. Stay with him, on a chair or on a mattress next to him. Don't engage with any chat, just repeat calmly and gently "it's bedtime" or something like that. If he wakes in the night then repeat this process.

Once he is used to falling asleep in his bed, you can work on a gradual retreat from having to sit with him. You would move further away each night until you can go out of the room.

When you and he are sleeping more the behaviour will become easier to deal with and less severe I'm sure.

[plinth]

Your partner needs to seriously pull his finger out and start giving you a break.

Have you spoken to him honestly about what your day to day life is like?

He needs to realise he's got responsibilities once he gets home from work. It's not just "feet up, chill out".

[Mummy93]

We tried a buggy board but he refuses to stand on it. I did used to take him to the park there's a big one near us about 5 min walk. But with my little boy it's a 20 minute struggle to get there with him throwing tantrums if I tel him he's walking the wrong way. Or ask him to walk or sit in his pushchair, he just wants to be held. And it's an absolute nightmare when we have to leave the park as I have to chase him which leads to me having to leave my 9 month old alone in her pushchair the other end of the park. Once I finally catch him hes kicking me hitting me and screaming as loud as he can which is just pure embarrassment infront of other parents so I'd rather avoid it all together as it just worsens my mood and makes me feel even less in control. Everytime my little boy screams/cries it causes my 9 month old to cry and she gets scared. It's a pure madhouse.
My partner has had time off work recently and we did try every night to get him in his own bed. But every night he woke up our 9 month old by screaming so she was awake most of the night. I've told my partner how bad things get during the day and how bad his behaviour is. But he thinks I overeact as he's not usually as bad when other people are here, when people have looked after him they say he's been good as gold as think I make up the things he does or overeact with his behaviour. He's only like it for me. When I say to my partner I'm unhappy as 6 days a week for 9 hours a day I'm on my own battling all day with my little boy to just behave or be quiet. I see my mum for around 2 hours a week if she's not working and that's the only people I really see. My partner tells me if I'm unhappy then to just leave. I don't see this as helping matters. I also tried the reins for walking but he refuses he just sits on the floor crying till I pick him up or take them off. It's not me giving in I honestly go through this for hours. I went out with my little boy a few weeks ago to the park just me and him and I refused ti pick him up it took us around 45mins to get to the park which is normally a 5 min walk.

[Mummy93]

Also I have tried putting him in our bed earlier but he won't stay in there unless we do. Im unable to go to bed at 7-8pm due to having to do everything round the house as usually don't have chance to do it during day with having to battle him all day. So my partner usually watches him while I get on with tidying the house at night.

[CultureSucksDownWords]

Is there a section of the park that is fenced in and contained? I think I would put your DS in the pushchair to get there and then let him have a free run around if there is an enclosed area.

What do you think about the idea of your DP helping with sorting out your DS's bedtime? He can't continue going to bed at 11pm with you, he will be chronically over tired which is making everything else worse. I think you need a concentrated effort for at least a week to crack your DS's bedtime. Other household stuff can wait - just do the minimum (between you and your DP) to keep ticking over.

[JustAnotherYellowBelly]

Is there any way you can leave DP with the DCs for an hour or so? Then just go out. Anywhere.
It sounds as if you and the children are together most of the time so maybe you're both getting tired of each other? No one can stay with someone 100% of the time, it's not a bad thing.

Either that or video your walk to the park - them you could show DP/DM et al how he actually behaves with you.
It really knocks your confidence when you feel unsupported so this could be a way of getting more support?

[plinth]

Sorry but your "partner" sounds like a prick and not a partner in any meaningful sense of the word.

Next time he says "just leave" take him at his word and book into a hotel for the night.

Can you ask your hv about parenting classes? Does sure start still exist? It sounds like you need someone who can give you a few tips for dealing with your son.

[plinth]

I agree with Culture about getting the bedtimes sorted first. Short term pain for long term gain.

[naty1]

Its possible that it is tiredness causing the behaviour, ive noticed DD 2 does get worse towards naptime.
He seems to think hes in charge.
Is he too big to put the sides on a cotbed to keep him in so he goes back to sleeping in his own bed.?

If DD is being awkward wont walk or go in pushchair i just out her in pushchair despite screaming (feel like im teaching her not to mess about (do you have a double pushchair?)
We still have the safety gates up.
I try to go out almost every day walking her, using energy, increasing stamina, changing environment and playgroups about twice a week.
When we sleep trained at 11m it really only took a week and was so worth it (though worried about taking side off cotbed).
We did suddenly have a lot of tantrums after 2. I just try to be strict and ignore anyone around... Maybe their kids were angels.. Maybe they had the same problems.

You could video the bad behaviour to see what your DH suggests or opinions